Today's date is September 4. 10 months ago, I delivered my dead son. I got to hold his perfect little body in my arms. He never took a single breath. He never opened his eyes. I never heard a single cry, or any sound from him.
Today was the start of school for the kids, for this year. My baby bear Wynter started her first day of 4 year old kindergarten. Today was the first day since November 4 that I spent any amount of time away from her.
Granted, she was fine. She was so excited to go to school, and didn't even seem to notice that 3 hours passed without my being right there.
I on the other hand was just empty. I missed my girl. I missed my boy even more. I was reminded of the worst day of my life all over again.
Feeling Soren move inside my belly lessens the hurt just a little.... knowing that he is growing big and strong, and that I'll have him soon.....
But I'm just so tired of not having a baby in my arms, not having what I should.
I was so excited to pick her up from school, and she was excited to see us. But she wanted to stay at school, so she could play some more. She had a very good day, and we didn't get any calls or emails saying anything different.
Tomorrow is a new day....
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Catching Up....
I am so far behind.... This is terrible!
So here we go. On August 15, we had our nuchal ultrasound. That is the ultrasound where they look at EVERYTHING. Measure arm and leg bones, head, stomach, heart, check blood flow, brain activity, and so much more. My little one is so perfect! Everything measures just right. In fact, this baby is measuring in the 90th percentile!
We were able to confirm - baby boy! I'm thrilled to be having a boy again, because I really want to experience having a son. We decided to name him Soren Casper. Soren is Scandinavian for God of War, or Thunder. It's a very strong name, which I hope translates to him being strong and a fighter. Obviously I was very adamant about Casper being the middle name, to honor his big brother.
He looks so much like Casper, it's uncanny. Part of me is grateful to have a reminder of what Casper would have been. Part of me knows that a permanent reminder is going to cause some heartache. Though I honestly believe it wouldn't matter what he looked like, this new rainbow will always be a reminder of what should have been.... A part of me will always miss Casper.
The nurse and radiologist were both very amazing. I asked the nurse if she would check the entire length of the umbilical cord, explaining that Casper's death was caused by problems with the cord. She look over all of it and checked the blood flow. Everything looked perfect. She even checked his neck, to show us that it was completely clear.
The radiologist checked over everything as well, and confirmed that everything looks great. She said she wanted us to come back in 10 weeks, to check everything again and make sure there are no problems. No complaints from me!
I always feel such a sense of relief after checking out Soren. Knowing that everything is fine, hearing or seeing him. It makes me believe that things might be ok. Of course, time passes and my fear and paranoia takes over.... Until the next appointment anyway.
So normally the clinic will call after the ultrasound appointment and just confirm that everything was ok. But, since my OB was on vacation that week, I knew I wasn't going to get a call. I assumed that if there was any kind of problem, another doctor or nurse from the clinic would have called. Having heard nothing by Friday evening, I took faith in the fact that things were fine.
My next OB check up was August 27th, with my regular OB. I was happy to see her, and confirm that everything was ok. We listened to Soren's heart beat, which was a good 170. Still not losing any sugar in my urine. I asked her about my thoughts - could the knot in the cord closer to the placenta have caused the gestational diabetes to show up or be worse than it normally would have been? She said absolutely - she something about the fact that the placenta controls the way the body processes the sugars that get transferred to the baby. It made me feel a tiny bit better... Just knowing anyway.
After that appointment, I start going every 2 weeks. So my next appointment will be on September 10. I'm not sure if she wanted me to start coming sooner this fast, but I'm ready to start coming more often! 2 weeks after that, I have to get my blood sugar tested - the one where I have to drink the evil stuff and wait for an hour. Not my favorite....
I'm sooooo in love with this baby! I simply can not wait until I can hold him in my arms and kiss him!
So here we go. On August 15, we had our nuchal ultrasound. That is the ultrasound where they look at EVERYTHING. Measure arm and leg bones, head, stomach, heart, check blood flow, brain activity, and so much more. My little one is so perfect! Everything measures just right. In fact, this baby is measuring in the 90th percentile!
We were able to confirm - baby boy! I'm thrilled to be having a boy again, because I really want to experience having a son. We decided to name him Soren Casper. Soren is Scandinavian for God of War, or Thunder. It's a very strong name, which I hope translates to him being strong and a fighter. Obviously I was very adamant about Casper being the middle name, to honor his big brother.
He looks so much like Casper, it's uncanny. Part of me is grateful to have a reminder of what Casper would have been. Part of me knows that a permanent reminder is going to cause some heartache. Though I honestly believe it wouldn't matter what he looked like, this new rainbow will always be a reminder of what should have been.... A part of me will always miss Casper.
The nurse and radiologist were both very amazing. I asked the nurse if she would check the entire length of the umbilical cord, explaining that Casper's death was caused by problems with the cord. She look over all of it and checked the blood flow. Everything looked perfect. She even checked his neck, to show us that it was completely clear.
The radiologist checked over everything as well, and confirmed that everything looks great. She said she wanted us to come back in 10 weeks, to check everything again and make sure there are no problems. No complaints from me!
I always feel such a sense of relief after checking out Soren. Knowing that everything is fine, hearing or seeing him. It makes me believe that things might be ok. Of course, time passes and my fear and paranoia takes over.... Until the next appointment anyway.
So normally the clinic will call after the ultrasound appointment and just confirm that everything was ok. But, since my OB was on vacation that week, I knew I wasn't going to get a call. I assumed that if there was any kind of problem, another doctor or nurse from the clinic would have called. Having heard nothing by Friday evening, I took faith in the fact that things were fine.
My next OB check up was August 27th, with my regular OB. I was happy to see her, and confirm that everything was ok. We listened to Soren's heart beat, which was a good 170. Still not losing any sugar in my urine. I asked her about my thoughts - could the knot in the cord closer to the placenta have caused the gestational diabetes to show up or be worse than it normally would have been? She said absolutely - she something about the fact that the placenta controls the way the body processes the sugars that get transferred to the baby. It made me feel a tiny bit better... Just knowing anyway.
After that appointment, I start going every 2 weeks. So my next appointment will be on September 10. I'm not sure if she wanted me to start coming sooner this fast, but I'm ready to start coming more often! 2 weeks after that, I have to get my blood sugar tested - the one where I have to drink the evil stuff and wait for an hour. Not my favorite....
I'm sooooo in love with this baby! I simply can not wait until I can hold him in my arms and kiss him!
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