Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is a national or international day set aside to remember all the babies and pregnancies that were gone too soon.  My Facebook page is full of people posting  about their losses, missing their babies, and a general sense of "community" among us babyloss moms.  The month of October itself is dedicated to remember babies who were gone too soon, but because it's also breast cancer awareness and several other awarenesses, baby loss gets a tad overshadowed.

Today I have a candle lit, with Casper's name written on it as well as a few of my friends' babies on it as well.  Around the world there will be candles lit at 7 pm local time for one hour, intended to create a wave of light around the world.  To honor our babies and pregnancies.

I miss my son more and more every day.  I thought after a long enough time it would get better.  It seems like I've only learned how to handle it better.  Today is especially rough though.  Plus knowing that just a few weeks from now will be his "birthday."  What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time.  To kiss his sweet face.

I know that once again I am behind in updating my pregnancy.  Things are very stressful with the diabetic issue.  I am injecting myself with 2 different types of insulin each day - once before dinner and once before I go to bed.  I'm still learning how to eat - counting carbs and knowing what is good when.  Dinner time is the hardest, because I am the most hungry and I'm not so great about eating a variety of things.  Trying to change a lifetime of eating habits in a matter of weeks is probably the hardest thing I've had to accomplish.

The diabetic ed counselor I have been working with is really great.  When I get down on myself, she tells me that I'm doing fine.  I know for a fact my numbers are more controlled now than when they were with Casper.  I know that as each week passes, it gets harder and harder - my body works less and less on it's own to handle everything.

On the plus side, my little rainbow baby seems to be handling things just fine.  He moves all the time, letting me know that he's here with me.  Every check up shows a strong heart beat and that he is growing perfectly fine.  In 21 days I will have another ultrasound and another chance to see him again.

I'm worried about our family vacation next week, being so far from my doctor, and having to deal with all the diabetic stuff.  It's hard enough at home, and even harder when I have to be out and about while close to home.  But being all the way across the country is something that terrifies with me.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.  I wish I could fast forward time until the day I'm holding my little boy, healthy and alive.  I don't want to deal with Casper's anniversary, I don't want to deal with my birthday or the holidays.  I don't want to deal with the mounting anxiety, the fears of all that could go wrong.

But I know that I have no choice, I have to struggle through these days and deal with everything that comes. I know the reward will be all the sweeter at the end.

Updates, updates.

It's been a long time, as always.  This is getting to be a pattern.  HA!

So my last appointment was Thursday, Sept 27.  My doc made a comment about me looking bigger.  Should have known that would be a sign....  Soren's heart beat was 151.  I even got to take a peek at him.  He looks great.  Nothing around his neck.  But he is still in breech position.

I asked if the move down to head-down position would maybe get him tangled in the cord.  She said it's slightly possible, but there is really no way to tell.  She said that at my next ultrasound appointment (Nov 7), he will have moved and we can check everything very carefully.  If anything looks worrisome she has no problem taking action.

She's mentioned several times that we can check the status of his lungs by doing an amniocentesis.  The thought scares me, even though she explained that done in the early stages of pregnancy is when that procedure can cause problems.

I just want my baby.

The worst part of the appointment last week was the diabetic testing.  The results came back the next day, and as I was afraid, were positive.  I don't know the extent of the results, but the nurse said she was sending a strict diet plan for 3 days, to be followed by the longer glucose test.  I will admit, I kind of lost it.  Freaked out and panicked.

After taking a nap, I called the clinic back and told the nurse that I wanted to just skip that and move on to the next step.  I am certain the further test would show the same thing, and I didn't want to waste my time with it.  She said she would talk to Dr Jayne and get her opinion.  Dr Jayne said she was with me 100%.  The next step would then be scheduling an appointment with Diabetic Ed.

The whole weekend was a nightmare.  I tried not to eat, and analyzed everything that passed my lips.  I'm caught between eating enough to make me feel full, and making sure I eat the right kind of things.  And knowing that no matter how hard I try, I know it's not right....

My neighbor Denise said she went through GD with her last 3 pregnancies.  We commiserated about it.  She had the same problem - she couldn't get enough to eat, and even when she was following the right "rules" the numbers still weren't right.

So I got a call from DE to schedule an appointment, and they actually had an opening this afternoon.  It worked out perfectly for me.  I went expecting to spend much of the appointment in tears and frustrated.  But it was the same woman I met last year, and she even remembered Wynter and me.  She said right away that she knew I would be worried about everything, but said that the diabetes had nothing to do with Casper's death.  I explained my fears, knowing that it wasn't the reason but walking down that same path had my fear working overtime.  I explained everything that happened with the beginning stages the last time, and she said that we would start from there.

We talked a little about what kind of things I was feeling, and what I was eating.  Apparently a bowl of cereal for breakfast isn't the greatest and fruit in the morning isn't either.  I need more protein type things.  She also adjusted the "number" of carb servings I should eat at each meal, in the attempt to help me fill up.  It was decided that since mornings are really hard for me, she would start me right away with some insulin.

Bad news.....  it's the injection kind.  She said the pill makes the body produce insulin all day long, it's not regulated, and it can cause extremes, which lead to the possibility of fainting.  The injection is more controlled.  Which I'm all for....  Except that now I have to stab myself every night before bed.  (ok, the needle is tiny, and it's really pretty simple...  but me and needles don't get along too well.)

So she tested me there, it had been a couple hours since we had a small lunch.  Number was great.  (came home and had a snack, tested an hour later and it was fine as well.)  She showed me how to use the insulin.  Told me that if my numbers are elevated to call and we can adjust.  I have a follow up appointment with a dietitian next week.

My doc is seeing me every week now, though the way it played out it's more like a week and a half.  She knows my fears are crowding me.  She wants to keep me as calm as possible.  We're going to start stress testing after the ultrasound.  But I'm sure that if the ultrasound looks ok, it will make me feel so much better.  I know that's not the end of the road, but it's a big bend to get past.

I have to say, the worst part of today....  The memories.  Driving past the funeral home where Casper was taken after the hospital.  Being at the same clinic where we learned that he had no heartbeat.  Going through the same steps with the diabetic education people.  I miss my baby boy so much.  So many reminders of him, and what we lost.

As I was getting ready to leave the appointment with Dr Jayne last week, I was looking at his picture on her "wall of fame."  Reading the note written in the card.  I started tearing up.  (been doing that a lot lately)  I mentioned it to her, how much I loved seeing him up there but that it was hard too.  She said that he was with us.  She said she had another patient who lost a baby a few days after birth from a medical condition, and she said that the baby was also with us.

I don't really know what I believe about the afterlife and all that.....  But to know that she believes my boy is watching over me, her, us....  It means a lot.

Until next time...