I realized after a posting in my baby loss group on Facebook that I haven't been here and updated things in just about forever. In fact, it's been so long that I actually had to go back and read through to see where I last left off. So much has happened since then......
To update the gestational diabetes situation, it's such a hassle. As soon as I get things under control, it all changes. I have been trying so hard to keep things under control, I have been literally starving for the last 2 months..... I love food. I always have. I love to eat. Good mood or bad, I just want to eat. Can't do that anymore. The things I enjoy eating aren't good for me or my body right now. Trying to eat the right balance of things from a nutritious standpoint isn't working either.
2 major things happened since I last posted, in terms of the pregnancy.
We went on vacation to see my stepson graduate from the Air Force officer training school. We drove down to Alabama, and then over to Florida to their new station. The drive home took 24 hours. I ended up with a blood clot in my left leg. A combination of the pregnancy and longs hours not moving around enough. My feet and ankles were swollen like the Marshmallow man, and I ended up going in to the ER. So now I have been injecting myself with Lovenox twice a day, which will continue until the baby is born and then I have to take oral medication. Total treatment time is 6 months. They did all kinds of bloodwork, and I do not have any clotting or blood disorders, so that is the good news. (meaning I won't likely have another clot)
The other thing was going into pre-term labor. I have been having weekly non stress tests (NST) *1 since about 31 weeks. The first one, Soren's heart beat dropped a couple times, and Dr. Jayne wanted to investigate further. So I was sent to a different clinic where they did a biophysical profile *2 . Everything there showed up fine, except his lungs were not working - which the tech did say was somewhat common at only 31 weeks. I assumed I was fine, and going home. But Nurse Tammy called as I was driving and said that even though all looked fine, Dr Jayne wanted me to head to the hospital and sit on the monitor for a couple hours, just to see if everything was stable. Well, after being admitted I ended up going into pre-term labor. Because I was only 31 weeks, and St Joe's isn't prepared to handle a baby that early, I was rushed over to Children's Hospital (where my husband works) which has the best NICU in the midwest. They pumped me full of steroids to help Soren's lungs, and gave me magnesium to help stop the contractions.
All in all, they were able to stop labor. I only dialated to 3 cm. The magnesium made me terrible sick, the steroids completely threw my blood sugars out of whack. I am now taking a medication 4 times a day to help prevent major contractions.
I was able to meet the head of the high risk OB department. She is amazing, and we developed a game plan. I explained that I was terrified that I would not be able to keep Soren safe enough inside of me, even though I know that is the best place for him still. Everyone told me that he had excellent survival chances, like 99% if he was born at that point, 32 weeks, even though he would most likely be in the NICU for a time. I asked how soon we could do an amniocentesis to check on his lungs, and she told me 36 to 37 weeks would give a definite positive. I begged for a sooner answer, and she said no earlier than 35 weeks. I asked if we could plan for that, and she said she wanted to run it by Dr Jayne and the other doctor.
I was released from Children's after 2 days, with an ultrasound schedule for a couple days later. The high risk OB wanted me to start having ultrasounds every week, and Dr Jayne had me set up for NSTs twice a week as well as once a week check ups.
At the ultrasound, everything was still looking great. Soren is a mover and a shaker, and always shows off when being "watched." I was able to talk to another high risk specialist (the other doc) and asked more about planning the amnio. She said that I could certainly have the amnio at 35 weeks, but it would likely be a negative result and then I would have to wait longer. She said she would prefer that I plan it for 35.5 weeks or 36, and have a better chance of a positive result. She also said if as time got closer I just could not handle it anymore and wanted to push for the 35 weeks, we would discuss the possibility.
(while I was in the hospital for the pre-term labor, we learned that i was being served with a restraining order by my stepson's mother. on the first anniversary of Casper's delivery, Derek decided he wasn't coming home from his mother's house, which has started a custody battle and so much drama it makes me ... i don't even know. the doctors are all aware of what is going on and the amount of stress it has placed on me, so they are understanding of my need to keep Soren as safe as possible)
So that brings us up to now. It's Thanksgiving, I am 33 weeks and 4 days, I have 18 days until the scheduled amnio, and I am desperate to get this baby in my arms. While I haven't had any more brushes with labor, I still have contractions. My body is at it's limit with all the things I have to endure. My blood sugars are constantly out of whack as each DAY passes. I'm sore, and can't do much of anything. I just keep waiting for one more thing, for something else to happen, and worst of all, for Soren to stop moving... I'm so grateful that he is so active, even it causes me pain, because I know that means he is ok in there. But how long is that going to last?
We have made it past the milestones of Casper's journey, which were agonizing for me to deal with. We passed the day I learned he was gone, the day he was delivered, the point in this pregnancy that I was at with him. Aside from everything that we have had to deal with because of Derek - on the day of Casper's birthaversary - it was such a bad day. I spent most of it in tears, trying to hide it from Wynter and everyone else. The only nice thing was being "surrounded" with love from my babyloss mom community, and family and friends. People who don't know me or my son were more caring and compassionate than most of my family, my flesh and blood. But then they have gone through the same thing and understand....
This past year has been the hardest year I've ever lived. I've struggled to deal with the loss of my son and all of the changes that his death caused to the fabric of my life. I'm still not at the point where I can think of him or see anything of his and not cry. I'm starting to be grateful for the fact that I had him, for even just a short time. But mostly I miss him and would give just about anything to have him back. Even when I realize that it means I wouldn't have Soren.... which of course makes me all conflicted again. But if I had Casper, I would never know anything about Soren... What a retched experience to live through....
*1 - an NST is a procedure where you are connected to a monitor - straps around your belly hold 2 stethoscope like microphones that measure baby's heart rate and the tightness of the uterus. Both are recorded on a chart. You also have a button to press each time you feel baby move, which is also recorded. The monitoring takes about half an hour, and the idea is to watch for consistency
*2 - a biophysical profile is an ultrasound which is graded on 5 things - overall movement, extremity movement, heart rate, lung function, and amniotic fluid. each part has a possible score of 2, for an overall top score of 10
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
Today is a national or international day set aside to remember all the babies and pregnancies that were gone too soon. My Facebook page is full of people posting about their losses, missing their babies, and a general sense of "community" among us babyloss moms. The month of October itself is dedicated to remember babies who were gone too soon, but because it's also breast cancer awareness and several other awarenesses, baby loss gets a tad overshadowed.
Today I have a candle lit, with Casper's name written on it as well as a few of my friends' babies on it as well. Around the world there will be candles lit at 7 pm local time for one hour, intended to create a wave of light around the world. To honor our babies and pregnancies.
I miss my son more and more every day. I thought after a long enough time it would get better. It seems like I've only learned how to handle it better. Today is especially rough though. Plus knowing that just a few weeks from now will be his "birthday." What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time. To kiss his sweet face.
I know that once again I am behind in updating my pregnancy. Things are very stressful with the diabetic issue. I am injecting myself with 2 different types of insulin each day - once before dinner and once before I go to bed. I'm still learning how to eat - counting carbs and knowing what is good when. Dinner time is the hardest, because I am the most hungry and I'm not so great about eating a variety of things. Trying to change a lifetime of eating habits in a matter of weeks is probably the hardest thing I've had to accomplish.
The diabetic ed counselor I have been working with is really great. When I get down on myself, she tells me that I'm doing fine. I know for a fact my numbers are more controlled now than when they were with Casper. I know that as each week passes, it gets harder and harder - my body works less and less on it's own to handle everything.
On the plus side, my little rainbow baby seems to be handling things just fine. He moves all the time, letting me know that he's here with me. Every check up shows a strong heart beat and that he is growing perfectly fine. In 21 days I will have another ultrasound and another chance to see him again.
I'm worried about our family vacation next week, being so far from my doctor, and having to deal with all the diabetic stuff. It's hard enough at home, and even harder when I have to be out and about while close to home. But being all the way across the country is something that terrifies with me.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. I wish I could fast forward time until the day I'm holding my little boy, healthy and alive. I don't want to deal with Casper's anniversary, I don't want to deal with my birthday or the holidays. I don't want to deal with the mounting anxiety, the fears of all that could go wrong.
But I know that I have no choice, I have to struggle through these days and deal with everything that comes. I know the reward will be all the sweeter at the end.
Today I have a candle lit, with Casper's name written on it as well as a few of my friends' babies on it as well. Around the world there will be candles lit at 7 pm local time for one hour, intended to create a wave of light around the world. To honor our babies and pregnancies.
I miss my son more and more every day. I thought after a long enough time it would get better. It seems like I've only learned how to handle it better. Today is especially rough though. Plus knowing that just a few weeks from now will be his "birthday." What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time. To kiss his sweet face.
I know that once again I am behind in updating my pregnancy. Things are very stressful with the diabetic issue. I am injecting myself with 2 different types of insulin each day - once before dinner and once before I go to bed. I'm still learning how to eat - counting carbs and knowing what is good when. Dinner time is the hardest, because I am the most hungry and I'm not so great about eating a variety of things. Trying to change a lifetime of eating habits in a matter of weeks is probably the hardest thing I've had to accomplish.
The diabetic ed counselor I have been working with is really great. When I get down on myself, she tells me that I'm doing fine. I know for a fact my numbers are more controlled now than when they were with Casper. I know that as each week passes, it gets harder and harder - my body works less and less on it's own to handle everything.
On the plus side, my little rainbow baby seems to be handling things just fine. He moves all the time, letting me know that he's here with me. Every check up shows a strong heart beat and that he is growing perfectly fine. In 21 days I will have another ultrasound and another chance to see him again.
I'm worried about our family vacation next week, being so far from my doctor, and having to deal with all the diabetic stuff. It's hard enough at home, and even harder when I have to be out and about while close to home. But being all the way across the country is something that terrifies with me.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. I wish I could fast forward time until the day I'm holding my little boy, healthy and alive. I don't want to deal with Casper's anniversary, I don't want to deal with my birthday or the holidays. I don't want to deal with the mounting anxiety, the fears of all that could go wrong.
But I know that I have no choice, I have to struggle through these days and deal with everything that comes. I know the reward will be all the sweeter at the end.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Updates, updates.
It's been a long time, as always. This is getting to be a pattern. HA!
So my last appointment was Thursday, Sept 27. My doc made a comment about me looking bigger. Should have known that would be a sign.... Soren's heart beat was 151. I even got to take a peek at him. He looks great. Nothing around his neck. But he is still in breech position.
I asked if the move down to head-down position would maybe get him tangled in the cord. She said it's slightly possible, but there is really no way to tell. She said that at my next ultrasound appointment (Nov 7), he will have moved and we can check everything very carefully. If anything looks worrisome she has no problem taking action.
She's mentioned several times that we can check the status of his lungs by doing an amniocentesis. The thought scares me, even though she explained that done in the early stages of pregnancy is when that procedure can cause problems.
I just want my baby.
The worst part of the appointment last week was the diabetic testing. The results came back the next day, and as I was afraid, were positive. I don't know the extent of the results, but the nurse said she was sending a strict diet plan for 3 days, to be followed by the longer glucose test. I will admit, I kind of lost it. Freaked out and panicked.
After taking a nap, I called the clinic back and told the nurse that I wanted to just skip that and move on to the next step. I am certain the further test would show the same thing, and I didn't want to waste my time with it. She said she would talk to Dr Jayne and get her opinion. Dr Jayne said she was with me 100%. The next step would then be scheduling an appointment with Diabetic Ed.
The whole weekend was a nightmare. I tried not to eat, and analyzed everything that passed my lips. I'm caught between eating enough to make me feel full, and making sure I eat the right kind of things. And knowing that no matter how hard I try, I know it's not right....
My neighbor Denise said she went through GD with her last 3 pregnancies. We commiserated about it. She had the same problem - she couldn't get enough to eat, and even when she was following the right "rules" the numbers still weren't right.
So I got a call from DE to schedule an appointment, and they actually had an opening this afternoon. It worked out perfectly for me. I went expecting to spend much of the appointment in tears and frustrated. But it was the same woman I met last year, and she even remembered Wynter and me. She said right away that she knew I would be worried about everything, but said that the diabetes had nothing to do with Casper's death. I explained my fears, knowing that it wasn't the reason but walking down that same path had my fear working overtime. I explained everything that happened with the beginning stages the last time, and she said that we would start from there.
We talked a little about what kind of things I was feeling, and what I was eating. Apparently a bowl of cereal for breakfast isn't the greatest and fruit in the morning isn't either. I need more protein type things. She also adjusted the "number" of carb servings I should eat at each meal, in the attempt to help me fill up. It was decided that since mornings are really hard for me, she would start me right away with some insulin.
Bad news..... it's the injection kind. She said the pill makes the body produce insulin all day long, it's not regulated, and it can cause extremes, which lead to the possibility of fainting. The injection is more controlled. Which I'm all for.... Except that now I have to stab myself every night before bed. (ok, the needle is tiny, and it's really pretty simple... but me and needles don't get along too well.)
So she tested me there, it had been a couple hours since we had a small lunch. Number was great. (came home and had a snack, tested an hour later and it was fine as well.) She showed me how to use the insulin. Told me that if my numbers are elevated to call and we can adjust. I have a follow up appointment with a dietitian next week.
My doc is seeing me every week now, though the way it played out it's more like a week and a half. She knows my fears are crowding me. She wants to keep me as calm as possible. We're going to start stress testing after the ultrasound. But I'm sure that if the ultrasound looks ok, it will make me feel so much better. I know that's not the end of the road, but it's a big bend to get past.
I have to say, the worst part of today.... The memories. Driving past the funeral home where Casper was taken after the hospital. Being at the same clinic where we learned that he had no heartbeat. Going through the same steps with the diabetic education people. I miss my baby boy so much. So many reminders of him, and what we lost.
As I was getting ready to leave the appointment with Dr Jayne last week, I was looking at his picture on her "wall of fame." Reading the note written in the card. I started tearing up. (been doing that a lot lately) I mentioned it to her, how much I loved seeing him up there but that it was hard too. She said that he was with us. She said she had another patient who lost a baby a few days after birth from a medical condition, and she said that the baby was also with us.
I don't really know what I believe about the afterlife and all that..... But to know that she believes my boy is watching over me, her, us.... It means a lot.
Until next time...
So my last appointment was Thursday, Sept 27. My doc made a comment about me looking bigger. Should have known that would be a sign.... Soren's heart beat was 151. I even got to take a peek at him. He looks great. Nothing around his neck. But he is still in breech position.
I asked if the move down to head-down position would maybe get him tangled in the cord. She said it's slightly possible, but there is really no way to tell. She said that at my next ultrasound appointment (Nov 7), he will have moved and we can check everything very carefully. If anything looks worrisome she has no problem taking action.
She's mentioned several times that we can check the status of his lungs by doing an amniocentesis. The thought scares me, even though she explained that done in the early stages of pregnancy is when that procedure can cause problems.
I just want my baby.
The worst part of the appointment last week was the diabetic testing. The results came back the next day, and as I was afraid, were positive. I don't know the extent of the results, but the nurse said she was sending a strict diet plan for 3 days, to be followed by the longer glucose test. I will admit, I kind of lost it. Freaked out and panicked.
After taking a nap, I called the clinic back and told the nurse that I wanted to just skip that and move on to the next step. I am certain the further test would show the same thing, and I didn't want to waste my time with it. She said she would talk to Dr Jayne and get her opinion. Dr Jayne said she was with me 100%. The next step would then be scheduling an appointment with Diabetic Ed.
The whole weekend was a nightmare. I tried not to eat, and analyzed everything that passed my lips. I'm caught between eating enough to make me feel full, and making sure I eat the right kind of things. And knowing that no matter how hard I try, I know it's not right....
My neighbor Denise said she went through GD with her last 3 pregnancies. We commiserated about it. She had the same problem - she couldn't get enough to eat, and even when she was following the right "rules" the numbers still weren't right.
So I got a call from DE to schedule an appointment, and they actually had an opening this afternoon. It worked out perfectly for me. I went expecting to spend much of the appointment in tears and frustrated. But it was the same woman I met last year, and she even remembered Wynter and me. She said right away that she knew I would be worried about everything, but said that the diabetes had nothing to do with Casper's death. I explained my fears, knowing that it wasn't the reason but walking down that same path had my fear working overtime. I explained everything that happened with the beginning stages the last time, and she said that we would start from there.
We talked a little about what kind of things I was feeling, and what I was eating. Apparently a bowl of cereal for breakfast isn't the greatest and fruit in the morning isn't either. I need more protein type things. She also adjusted the "number" of carb servings I should eat at each meal, in the attempt to help me fill up. It was decided that since mornings are really hard for me, she would start me right away with some insulin.
Bad news..... it's the injection kind. She said the pill makes the body produce insulin all day long, it's not regulated, and it can cause extremes, which lead to the possibility of fainting. The injection is more controlled. Which I'm all for.... Except that now I have to stab myself every night before bed. (ok, the needle is tiny, and it's really pretty simple... but me and needles don't get along too well.)
So she tested me there, it had been a couple hours since we had a small lunch. Number was great. (came home and had a snack, tested an hour later and it was fine as well.) She showed me how to use the insulin. Told me that if my numbers are elevated to call and we can adjust. I have a follow up appointment with a dietitian next week.
My doc is seeing me every week now, though the way it played out it's more like a week and a half. She knows my fears are crowding me. She wants to keep me as calm as possible. We're going to start stress testing after the ultrasound. But I'm sure that if the ultrasound looks ok, it will make me feel so much better. I know that's not the end of the road, but it's a big bend to get past.
I have to say, the worst part of today.... The memories. Driving past the funeral home where Casper was taken after the hospital. Being at the same clinic where we learned that he had no heartbeat. Going through the same steps with the diabetic education people. I miss my baby boy so much. So many reminders of him, and what we lost.
As I was getting ready to leave the appointment with Dr Jayne last week, I was looking at his picture on her "wall of fame." Reading the note written in the card. I started tearing up. (been doing that a lot lately) I mentioned it to her, how much I loved seeing him up there but that it was hard too. She said that he was with us. She said she had another patient who lost a baby a few days after birth from a medical condition, and she said that the baby was also with us.
I don't really know what I believe about the afterlife and all that..... But to know that she believes my boy is watching over me, her, us.... It means a lot.
Until next time...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
And today....
Today's date is September 4. 10 months ago, I delivered my dead son. I got to hold his perfect little body in my arms. He never took a single breath. He never opened his eyes. I never heard a single cry, or any sound from him.
Today was the start of school for the kids, for this year. My baby bear Wynter started her first day of 4 year old kindergarten. Today was the first day since November 4 that I spent any amount of time away from her.
Granted, she was fine. She was so excited to go to school, and didn't even seem to notice that 3 hours passed without my being right there.
I on the other hand was just empty. I missed my girl. I missed my boy even more. I was reminded of the worst day of my life all over again.
Feeling Soren move inside my belly lessens the hurt just a little.... knowing that he is growing big and strong, and that I'll have him soon.....
But I'm just so tired of not having a baby in my arms, not having what I should.
I was so excited to pick her up from school, and she was excited to see us. But she wanted to stay at school, so she could play some more. She had a very good day, and we didn't get any calls or emails saying anything different.
Tomorrow is a new day....
Today was the start of school for the kids, for this year. My baby bear Wynter started her first day of 4 year old kindergarten. Today was the first day since November 4 that I spent any amount of time away from her.
Granted, she was fine. She was so excited to go to school, and didn't even seem to notice that 3 hours passed without my being right there.
I on the other hand was just empty. I missed my girl. I missed my boy even more. I was reminded of the worst day of my life all over again.
Feeling Soren move inside my belly lessens the hurt just a little.... knowing that he is growing big and strong, and that I'll have him soon.....
But I'm just so tired of not having a baby in my arms, not having what I should.
I was so excited to pick her up from school, and she was excited to see us. But she wanted to stay at school, so she could play some more. She had a very good day, and we didn't get any calls or emails saying anything different.
Tomorrow is a new day....
Catching Up....
I am so far behind.... This is terrible!
So here we go. On August 15, we had our nuchal ultrasound. That is the ultrasound where they look at EVERYTHING. Measure arm and leg bones, head, stomach, heart, check blood flow, brain activity, and so much more. My little one is so perfect! Everything measures just right. In fact, this baby is measuring in the 90th percentile!
We were able to confirm - baby boy! I'm thrilled to be having a boy again, because I really want to experience having a son. We decided to name him Soren Casper. Soren is Scandinavian for God of War, or Thunder. It's a very strong name, which I hope translates to him being strong and a fighter. Obviously I was very adamant about Casper being the middle name, to honor his big brother.
He looks so much like Casper, it's uncanny. Part of me is grateful to have a reminder of what Casper would have been. Part of me knows that a permanent reminder is going to cause some heartache. Though I honestly believe it wouldn't matter what he looked like, this new rainbow will always be a reminder of what should have been.... A part of me will always miss Casper.
The nurse and radiologist were both very amazing. I asked the nurse if she would check the entire length of the umbilical cord, explaining that Casper's death was caused by problems with the cord. She look over all of it and checked the blood flow. Everything looked perfect. She even checked his neck, to show us that it was completely clear.
The radiologist checked over everything as well, and confirmed that everything looks great. She said she wanted us to come back in 10 weeks, to check everything again and make sure there are no problems. No complaints from me!
I always feel such a sense of relief after checking out Soren. Knowing that everything is fine, hearing or seeing him. It makes me believe that things might be ok. Of course, time passes and my fear and paranoia takes over.... Until the next appointment anyway.
So normally the clinic will call after the ultrasound appointment and just confirm that everything was ok. But, since my OB was on vacation that week, I knew I wasn't going to get a call. I assumed that if there was any kind of problem, another doctor or nurse from the clinic would have called. Having heard nothing by Friday evening, I took faith in the fact that things were fine.
My next OB check up was August 27th, with my regular OB. I was happy to see her, and confirm that everything was ok. We listened to Soren's heart beat, which was a good 170. Still not losing any sugar in my urine. I asked her about my thoughts - could the knot in the cord closer to the placenta have caused the gestational diabetes to show up or be worse than it normally would have been? She said absolutely - she something about the fact that the placenta controls the way the body processes the sugars that get transferred to the baby. It made me feel a tiny bit better... Just knowing anyway.
After that appointment, I start going every 2 weeks. So my next appointment will be on September 10. I'm not sure if she wanted me to start coming sooner this fast, but I'm ready to start coming more often! 2 weeks after that, I have to get my blood sugar tested - the one where I have to drink the evil stuff and wait for an hour. Not my favorite....
I'm sooooo in love with this baby! I simply can not wait until I can hold him in my arms and kiss him!
So here we go. On August 15, we had our nuchal ultrasound. That is the ultrasound where they look at EVERYTHING. Measure arm and leg bones, head, stomach, heart, check blood flow, brain activity, and so much more. My little one is so perfect! Everything measures just right. In fact, this baby is measuring in the 90th percentile!
We were able to confirm - baby boy! I'm thrilled to be having a boy again, because I really want to experience having a son. We decided to name him Soren Casper. Soren is Scandinavian for God of War, or Thunder. It's a very strong name, which I hope translates to him being strong and a fighter. Obviously I was very adamant about Casper being the middle name, to honor his big brother.
He looks so much like Casper, it's uncanny. Part of me is grateful to have a reminder of what Casper would have been. Part of me knows that a permanent reminder is going to cause some heartache. Though I honestly believe it wouldn't matter what he looked like, this new rainbow will always be a reminder of what should have been.... A part of me will always miss Casper.
The nurse and radiologist were both very amazing. I asked the nurse if she would check the entire length of the umbilical cord, explaining that Casper's death was caused by problems with the cord. She look over all of it and checked the blood flow. Everything looked perfect. She even checked his neck, to show us that it was completely clear.
The radiologist checked over everything as well, and confirmed that everything looks great. She said she wanted us to come back in 10 weeks, to check everything again and make sure there are no problems. No complaints from me!
I always feel such a sense of relief after checking out Soren. Knowing that everything is fine, hearing or seeing him. It makes me believe that things might be ok. Of course, time passes and my fear and paranoia takes over.... Until the next appointment anyway.
So normally the clinic will call after the ultrasound appointment and just confirm that everything was ok. But, since my OB was on vacation that week, I knew I wasn't going to get a call. I assumed that if there was any kind of problem, another doctor or nurse from the clinic would have called. Having heard nothing by Friday evening, I took faith in the fact that things were fine.
My next OB check up was August 27th, with my regular OB. I was happy to see her, and confirm that everything was ok. We listened to Soren's heart beat, which was a good 170. Still not losing any sugar in my urine. I asked her about my thoughts - could the knot in the cord closer to the placenta have caused the gestational diabetes to show up or be worse than it normally would have been? She said absolutely - she something about the fact that the placenta controls the way the body processes the sugars that get transferred to the baby. It made me feel a tiny bit better... Just knowing anyway.
After that appointment, I start going every 2 weeks. So my next appointment will be on September 10. I'm not sure if she wanted me to start coming sooner this fast, but I'm ready to start coming more often! 2 weeks after that, I have to get my blood sugar tested - the one where I have to drink the evil stuff and wait for an hour. Not my favorite....
I'm sooooo in love with this baby! I simply can not wait until I can hold him in my arms and kiss him!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Trouble always comes ...
Yesterday morning, my dear sweet baby bear (4 year old Wynter) was cuddled in bed with me and kicked me in the belly. Pretty hard, for a little girl. It hurt. For a good hour. And we all know me, I was panicked. I posted on Facebook, and my wonderful friends assured me that it was most likely ok, and that I shouldn't worry too much. What bothered me was that after a couple hours of really paying attention, I wasn't feeling baby Bubble moving too much.
I ate. I had some MnM's (baby's favorite!). I drank lots of fluids. And I did my best to calm myself down and not stress out.
After Jay came home from work, we went out and ran some errands and went to eat. Still nothing like I was used to. So I told him I wanted to go to the ER and check the baby out.
Even though there was barely anyone there, it took forever. Of course a major trauma came in while I was there, but whatever.
First the checked for baby's heart beat, and it was a strong 162. That made me relax just a little bit. The doctor came in and checked me out, feeling baby in my belly and talking me through everything. He said that he was pretty sure everything was ok, and that there wasn't really too much they could really do. I said I would call my regular clinic the next day and just touch base with my doctor.
He said he would call the doc on call and just check with them if I wanted. So he did. Turns out Dr. Jayne is on vacation. This on-call doc said that he thought I should get a Rhogam shot just to be on the safe side. And that was the start of the insanity.
They had to draw blood and run panels. Remember the days when that would take about 10 minutes? Not so anymore. It took almost 2 hours. Jay was losing his patience with Wynter, who does not handle hospitals very well to begin with and was tired to boot. So he took her out in the car, where she was much better. But then she had to go potty, so he ended up taking her home.
I was waiting..... and waiting..... and waiting...... The nurse brought me water and blankets (the hospital was FREEZING!!), and both doc and nurse checked in with me a couple times. I finally asked if I could just go home and get the shot later. The nurse said she would talk to the doc. He came in and said it would be easier for me just to wait a little bit longer and he would push it through as fast as he could.
So I texted Jay that it would be about a half an hour, and she came in to poke me. I had to wait 20 minutes to make sure I didn't have an adverse reaction (after like 6 of these damn Rhogam shots, I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but whatever!).
Well, apparently while waiting out in the car for me to come out, my poor baby girl was having a breakdown. Worried about Mommy and baby, and why I wasn't out yet. Daddy was a tad exasperated by the time I finally came out, but Wynter was convinced that something was wrong with the baby.
The last time Mommy spent that much time in the hospital, Casper never came home. I think she knew that, remembered that.... She had me in tears and scared again, remembering.
But I got her calmed down, we came home and had Taco Bell, and she got to play with some play-doh. The trauma of the night was mostly forgotten.
She let me sleep in, since she slept until after noon. But the emotions of the night before caught up to her, and she messed herself. That has never happened to her (since she became potty trained) and she was distraught. I think her poor tummy took the brunt of the stress.
Once again, after mommy cleaned her up and reassured her everything was ok, she played with her play-doh and all is well.
I am recuperating as well. Little one is moving a little. Before I left the hospital, the nurse checked baby's heart beat again, and it was still in the 160s. Baby was moving and squirming a lot, and I didn't feel any of it. Just heard it on the monitor. That also made me relax, a lot.
This morning, my body feels like it was run over by a Mack truck. Sore and achy. Still so tired. But I'm not as worried as I was yesterday, and I'm excited for my ultrasound on Wednesday. This little one is certainly keeping me on my toes!
I heard a piece of information that kind of freaks me out. My BLM friend who just had her rainbow said that she was so happy to have had a c-section with this pregnancy, because the doctor told her that the umbilical cord was around baby Jack's neck. That was what caused her angel to pass away - the cord compressed his neck during delivery.
It makes me wonder if this "rare" thing really could happen again?
But it makes me all the more vigilant about this pregnancy. My doctor knows my state of mind and worry, so I'm not worried about her. But when I get my ultrasound, and every one that happens after this one, I will make SURE that they inspect the cord - every single inch of it. If anything looks off, I will make sure they pay attention. The idea of a c-section scares me, but if it means life and death for my child, there is no question I will demand it!
I love this baby Bubble so incredibly much. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold and snuggle and kiss him/her.
I miss my Casper so much and wish he was in my arms, too. I will never forget him, or ever stop loving him and wishing he was in my arms.
I ate. I had some MnM's (baby's favorite!). I drank lots of fluids. And I did my best to calm myself down and not stress out.
After Jay came home from work, we went out and ran some errands and went to eat. Still nothing like I was used to. So I told him I wanted to go to the ER and check the baby out.
Even though there was barely anyone there, it took forever. Of course a major trauma came in while I was there, but whatever.
First the checked for baby's heart beat, and it was a strong 162. That made me relax just a little bit. The doctor came in and checked me out, feeling baby in my belly and talking me through everything. He said that he was pretty sure everything was ok, and that there wasn't really too much they could really do. I said I would call my regular clinic the next day and just touch base with my doctor.
He said he would call the doc on call and just check with them if I wanted. So he did. Turns out Dr. Jayne is on vacation. This on-call doc said that he thought I should get a Rhogam shot just to be on the safe side. And that was the start of the insanity.
They had to draw blood and run panels. Remember the days when that would take about 10 minutes? Not so anymore. It took almost 2 hours. Jay was losing his patience with Wynter, who does not handle hospitals very well to begin with and was tired to boot. So he took her out in the car, where she was much better. But then she had to go potty, so he ended up taking her home.
I was waiting..... and waiting..... and waiting...... The nurse brought me water and blankets (the hospital was FREEZING!!), and both doc and nurse checked in with me a couple times. I finally asked if I could just go home and get the shot later. The nurse said she would talk to the doc. He came in and said it would be easier for me just to wait a little bit longer and he would push it through as fast as he could.
So I texted Jay that it would be about a half an hour, and she came in to poke me. I had to wait 20 minutes to make sure I didn't have an adverse reaction (after like 6 of these damn Rhogam shots, I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but whatever!).
Well, apparently while waiting out in the car for me to come out, my poor baby girl was having a breakdown. Worried about Mommy and baby, and why I wasn't out yet. Daddy was a tad exasperated by the time I finally came out, but Wynter was convinced that something was wrong with the baby.
The last time Mommy spent that much time in the hospital, Casper never came home. I think she knew that, remembered that.... She had me in tears and scared again, remembering.
But I got her calmed down, we came home and had Taco Bell, and she got to play with some play-doh. The trauma of the night was mostly forgotten.
She let me sleep in, since she slept until after noon. But the emotions of the night before caught up to her, and she messed herself. That has never happened to her (since she became potty trained) and she was distraught. I think her poor tummy took the brunt of the stress.
Once again, after mommy cleaned her up and reassured her everything was ok, she played with her play-doh and all is well.
I am recuperating as well. Little one is moving a little. Before I left the hospital, the nurse checked baby's heart beat again, and it was still in the 160s. Baby was moving and squirming a lot, and I didn't feel any of it. Just heard it on the monitor. That also made me relax, a lot.
This morning, my body feels like it was run over by a Mack truck. Sore and achy. Still so tired. But I'm not as worried as I was yesterday, and I'm excited for my ultrasound on Wednesday. This little one is certainly keeping me on my toes!
I heard a piece of information that kind of freaks me out. My BLM friend who just had her rainbow said that she was so happy to have had a c-section with this pregnancy, because the doctor told her that the umbilical cord was around baby Jack's neck. That was what caused her angel to pass away - the cord compressed his neck during delivery.
It makes me wonder if this "rare" thing really could happen again?
But it makes me all the more vigilant about this pregnancy. My doctor knows my state of mind and worry, so I'm not worried about her. But when I get my ultrasound, and every one that happens after this one, I will make SURE that they inspect the cord - every single inch of it. If anything looks off, I will make sure they pay attention. The idea of a c-section scares me, but if it means life and death for my child, there is no question I will demand it!
I love this baby Bubble so incredibly much. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold and snuggle and kiss him/her.
I miss my Casper so much and wish he was in my arms, too. I will never forget him, or ever stop loving him and wishing he was in my arms.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Hurting....
I waited to write this for a day or 2 so that I could compose myself a bit.... It's been really hard, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this. But I need to get it out.
Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days. Both had baby boys. Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.
Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine. But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why. Stress, most likely.
I'm happy for them. They are both such amazing women. And I know they have have been where I am.
But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies. Not jealousy or anything like that... well, not in a bad way. Does that make sense? It's hard to put into words, I guess.
I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of hurting. I want MY baby.
It's just so hard..... Tears, anger, sadness. All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.
Sigh.
Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days. Both had baby boys. Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.
Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine. But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why. Stress, most likely.
I'm happy for them. They are both such amazing women. And I know they have have been where I am.
But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies. Not jealousy or anything like that... well, not in a bad way. Does that make sense? It's hard to put into words, I guess.
I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of hurting. I want MY baby.
It's just so hard..... Tears, anger, sadness. All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.
Sigh.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
GAH!
I'm really getting bad about this. I think because I post everything on Facebook, I forget about posting here too. But I really want this record here for all time, so that this baby can see everything.
So today I am at 18 weeks and 2 days. My last appointment was on Monday, July 30. My stepdaughter Nikita was staying with us in preparation for her 21st birthday, so she was able to come with me to the appointment. Which was a bit of a blessing!
The appointment started with me walking into another patient's room, where a doctor was WITH a patient! Instead of the bathroom to give my urine sample. Oops!
I came back with the nurse, got weighed (185), blood pressure checked (normal) and then waited for my doctor. First thing we did was listen to Bubble's heart beat. PERFECT! Nikita got a sound recording on it, so now I have 2. We talked about how I was feeling, and she asked if I have been feeling any movement. Which I have, a little, sporadically. She asked if I was going to do the quad screening (for birth defects) and I said yes. Then I asked, since Nikita was there and wouldn't be again for awhile, if we could take a little peek at Bubble. She said of course!
Nikita got up and went use the restroom, and the doc said she would have the nurse get everything ready while she went a checked in with her next patient. I sat kind of anxious, since it usually meant I would be waiting awhile. But less than a minute later, she pops back in and says she doesn't have any other patients waiting! She got the machine in and set up, and started right checking Bubble out. First thing she asked was if we wanted to check gender, if we wanted to know. I said that when I had the extensive ultrasound with Casper, I was so lost as to how the doctor could tell that he was a boy - even though they pointed everything out. She said with girls, it looks more like 3 little lines between the legs. With boys, you obviously see the testes sack.
First we looked at Bubble's head. Baby was sucking thumb, again! The other arm was kinda up raised over the head. We started looking at the heart beat when Nikita came back in. She of course started tearing up, which got me going too! The heart was beating perfectly. Then we moved down to looking at baby's legs to see if we could make anything out between the legs. Based on a first look, I'm pretty certain it's a baby boy! My doc said she had a feeling, from earlier, that I was having a girl. I responded to that almost certain that it was a boy. At this point in the ultrasound, she said it looked like she might have been wrong!
She also pointed out that the reason I might not be feeling too much was because my placenta was anterior, meaning that it was wrapped around my belly and baby was curled into it. So the placenta is absorbing a lot of the movement, but as baby gets bigger I'll feel more. (and I have been too!)
This was kinda where I started sobbing. Sad, because I miss my Casper. But so excited for this new baby. I really do want a boy, not in any way to replace Casper, but because I have 2 daughters already and I really want to experience raising a boy.
We got a couple of pictures, wishes of good luck, and then went to give blood for the quad screen. I stopped by to make a few more appointments (getting to the every 2 weeks point! doc said around the point where we lost Casper, she wants to see me a lot so we can be reassured, since she knew that I would be worried).
So I got blood drawn, and off we went. Having Nikita there with me was really special, and I'm so glad she got to experience that with me. Jay (Daddy) was a little upset that WE got to see and hear baby without him. But he got to see and hear everything we brought home.
The test results came back yesterday, and everything was negative which is normal. Also, there is no sugar in my urine which means my body is not having any trouble processing all the carbs and sugar I'm eating.
Jay and I really think that the reason I started having the complications of diabetes had more to do with Casper being under stress, from the knot and the cord being around his neck. I really want to believe that, but I'm still doing my best and so much better with watching what I eat, and eating better food.
I love the feeling of elation and excitement I have when I leave the doctor's office. It lasts for a good day or 2 after, and it just feels so incredible. I know my baby is doing ok, I know that the chances of things being good are really high. But then the fear and depression start creeping in....
I miss my baby boy so much, and I would give just about anything to have him back. I would give up this pregnancy, and give up my soul to have him in my arms again. I look forward to teaching this baby about his/her big brother who never got the chance to live. Of course this baby wouldn't be here or even a possibility if Casper had lived - he was the last child for a our family. Some people would say to consider that a blessing..... It just makes me sad and hurt.
Well, in 8 more days, we'll go in for the comprehensive ultrasound. A confirmation on gender, measuring all the pieces and parts, and making sure everything is working right. I'm going to demand a thorough inspection of the umbilical, beginning to end. I think I might even ask my hubby to video record the whole thing.
So today I am at 18 weeks and 2 days. My last appointment was on Monday, July 30. My stepdaughter Nikita was staying with us in preparation for her 21st birthday, so she was able to come with me to the appointment. Which was a bit of a blessing!
The appointment started with me walking into another patient's room, where a doctor was WITH a patient! Instead of the bathroom to give my urine sample. Oops!
I came back with the nurse, got weighed (185), blood pressure checked (normal) and then waited for my doctor. First thing we did was listen to Bubble's heart beat. PERFECT! Nikita got a sound recording on it, so now I have 2. We talked about how I was feeling, and she asked if I have been feeling any movement. Which I have, a little, sporadically. She asked if I was going to do the quad screening (for birth defects) and I said yes. Then I asked, since Nikita was there and wouldn't be again for awhile, if we could take a little peek at Bubble. She said of course!
Nikita got up and went use the restroom, and the doc said she would have the nurse get everything ready while she went a checked in with her next patient. I sat kind of anxious, since it usually meant I would be waiting awhile. But less than a minute later, she pops back in and says she doesn't have any other patients waiting! She got the machine in and set up, and started right checking Bubble out. First thing she asked was if we wanted to check gender, if we wanted to know. I said that when I had the extensive ultrasound with Casper, I was so lost as to how the doctor could tell that he was a boy - even though they pointed everything out. She said with girls, it looks more like 3 little lines between the legs. With boys, you obviously see the testes sack.
First we looked at Bubble's head. Baby was sucking thumb, again! The other arm was kinda up raised over the head. We started looking at the heart beat when Nikita came back in. She of course started tearing up, which got me going too! The heart was beating perfectly. Then we moved down to looking at baby's legs to see if we could make anything out between the legs. Based on a first look, I'm pretty certain it's a baby boy! My doc said she had a feeling, from earlier, that I was having a girl. I responded to that almost certain that it was a boy. At this point in the ultrasound, she said it looked like she might have been wrong!
She also pointed out that the reason I might not be feeling too much was because my placenta was anterior, meaning that it was wrapped around my belly and baby was curled into it. So the placenta is absorbing a lot of the movement, but as baby gets bigger I'll feel more. (and I have been too!)
This was kinda where I started sobbing. Sad, because I miss my Casper. But so excited for this new baby. I really do want a boy, not in any way to replace Casper, but because I have 2 daughters already and I really want to experience raising a boy.
We got a couple of pictures, wishes of good luck, and then went to give blood for the quad screen. I stopped by to make a few more appointments (getting to the every 2 weeks point! doc said around the point where we lost Casper, she wants to see me a lot so we can be reassured, since she knew that I would be worried).
So I got blood drawn, and off we went. Having Nikita there with me was really special, and I'm so glad she got to experience that with me. Jay (Daddy) was a little upset that WE got to see and hear baby without him. But he got to see and hear everything we brought home.
The test results came back yesterday, and everything was negative which is normal. Also, there is no sugar in my urine which means my body is not having any trouble processing all the carbs and sugar I'm eating.
Jay and I really think that the reason I started having the complications of diabetes had more to do with Casper being under stress, from the knot and the cord being around his neck. I really want to believe that, but I'm still doing my best and so much better with watching what I eat, and eating better food.
I love the feeling of elation and excitement I have when I leave the doctor's office. It lasts for a good day or 2 after, and it just feels so incredible. I know my baby is doing ok, I know that the chances of things being good are really high. But then the fear and depression start creeping in....
I miss my baby boy so much, and I would give just about anything to have him back. I would give up this pregnancy, and give up my soul to have him in my arms again. I look forward to teaching this baby about his/her big brother who never got the chance to live. Of course this baby wouldn't be here or even a possibility if Casper had lived - he was the last child for a our family. Some people would say to consider that a blessing..... It just makes me sad and hurt.
Well, in 8 more days, we'll go in for the comprehensive ultrasound. A confirmation on gender, measuring all the pieces and parts, and making sure everything is working right. I'm going to demand a thorough inspection of the umbilical, beginning to end. I think I might even ask my hubby to video record the whole thing.
this is the picture of between the legs - right about the middle of the picture, you can see both thigh bones, and in between is a small round sack kind of thing.
this is the back of baby's head, and spine really bright. you can also see that left arm up by the ear.
pardon the crappy picture quality (i'm too impatient to scan them in) but this is a side profile of baby sucking a thumb
Sunday, July 22, 2012
16 weeks today...
So last week I have a freak out, and went to the clinic. Just for a heart tone check. Little one is perfectly fine. Heart beat was strong, in the 160s.
I feel so much relief when I go in and get checked out. I know the chances of something going wrong this time are so slim.... But my head gets the best of me and I end up over-thinking and worrying myself sick.
Last night while trying to fall asleep, I felt a thump in my belly. Just one. Couldn't get a re-creation either. But it made me smile, and I know my little one is working hard growing. I just wish I could fast forward time...
I have a check up at 17 weeks. And soon after that a full ultrasound. I can't wait. I'm almost certain we're having a boy. It doesn't matter to me as long as baby comes healthy.
I miss my Casper so much it hurts. I wish I could see him again, just one more time. I wish I could hold him again, and never give him back....
I love you baby boy, for always and forever.
I feel so much relief when I go in and get checked out. I know the chances of something going wrong this time are so slim.... But my head gets the best of me and I end up over-thinking and worrying myself sick.
Last night while trying to fall asleep, I felt a thump in my belly. Just one. Couldn't get a re-creation either. But it made me smile, and I know my little one is working hard growing. I just wish I could fast forward time...
I have a check up at 17 weeks. And soon after that a full ultrasound. I can't wait. I'm almost certain we're having a boy. It doesn't matter to me as long as baby comes healthy.
I miss my Casper so much it hurts. I wish I could see him again, just one more time. I wish I could hold him again, and never give him back....
I love you baby boy, for always and forever.
Carly Marie - Pregnancy After Loss
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2011/10/pregnancy-after-loss.html
Emotions About This New Little Life You Are Carrying
Falling pregnant after enduring the loss of a baby at any age or gestation can be an emotional rollercoaster. Your innocence has been taken from you. There is not blissful pregnancy anymore. You may feel anxious, worried, frightened, excited, joyful and thankful all in the one day.
You may have many fears about this new road that you have begun to walk and that is completely normal and understandable. There is no real magic cure to get over your fears but there are some things that you can do that may help to calm your mind and worried heart.
Women handle pregnancy after loss differently. Some women distance themselves from their baby as a means to protect themselves from another loss. They feel that if they don’t connect with their baby then they will not suffer so much if the baby dies. Other women do everything possible to connect with their baby. They want to make as many memories as possible.
When Should We Announce The Pregnancy?
This is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong time. Some people wait until they are 13 weeks as that is a time that society believes everything will be okay from that point on… oh don’t we in this community know better than that. Some people try to hold off telling family until they have past the point of the gestation of their previous baby that died. They do this to avoid having family and friends always asking them questions on how they are feeling and so on. Obviously you can only hide a pregnancy for so long before if becomes obvious. Others tell their family and friends straight away so that they have a support network from day one. The only issue people may have that is the baby does pass away they have to go through the experience of notifying everyone of their loss. Do what feels right for you.
This Is A Different Baby
It is only natural that your heart and mind are with your little one that could not stay with you. You need to take this pregnancy one day at a time. This is a different baby, a completely new life. You need to focus your energy on today, not tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow and the week after that and the month after that will only bring you anxiety and that is the last thing you need to feel right now. it is important for you to relax as much as possible. Make sure you can get outside each day for some fresh air even if it is just for 5 minutes. Spend that time focusing on your breathing. Take deep long breaths. Do this whenever you are feeling really anxious.
Support Groups
Find yourself a support group online for people who are pregnant after experiencing a loss. There is a really sweet page on facebook that is uplifting and positive. Talking to others who are going through what you are will be helpful to you and you will not feel so alone. If you read grief blogs you may want to distance yourself a little from the real heavy stuff as you need to remain as positive as possible to help you get through the remaining months of your pregnancy. People will tend to warn you of all the things that could possibly go wrong with your pregnancy… “watch out for this and watch out for that” These people mean only good things for you but at the end of the day there a a million different things that could wrong and if you were going to try and concertrate on them all you will end up in a very bad place. Staying positive can be a real challenge after everything you have been through but it is really important to spend your precious engery on things that will uplift you rather than drag you down into a deep hole. Some people read a positive affirmations when they get up in the morning, others spend time meditating/praying or spending their spare time doing something they enjoy and love. Find something that works for you.
Hospital and Clinic Appointments
You may want to arrange a friend or family member to accompany you to your appointments if you have to go to a place that may bring upsetting memories to you. Having emotional support will be of great help to you. Make sure you tell your care giver how you are feeling and ask them any questions that you may have.
What To Do If You Are Worried ABout Your Baby
Call your midwife or obstetrician. Always go with your gut, if something feels wrong to you or you are worried just go into the ER. Do not worry that you are wasting anybodies time – you are not.
Should I have A Baby Shower?
This is completely up to you. Never feel pressured into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. A really beautiful alternative to a baby shower is a mother and baby blessing ceremony. To read more about them click here.
Should I Bother Having A Birth Plan?
Birth plans are a good thing to have. We all know though that sometimes when you make plans, life gets in the way and changes your plans for you. In saying that though write yourself out a plan for what you would like to have happen on the day of your child’s birth. SPeak to your midwife/ob about your wishes and desires.
We wish you all the peace and love in the world for this road you are walking. We hope you found this information helpful.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
It's been awhile....
I've been greatly overwhelmed by life in general, and just haven't had the energy to sit down and write. But I know it's time, so here I am.
Today, I am 14 weeks and 2 days!
Just over a week ago, I got to see my precious baby. Everything looks great. Dr. Jayne first tried to find a heart beat, but couldn't find it. She said, "Oh it's still early yet." I almost freaked a little, because we had heard it before. But she said no worries, we would just do a little ultrasound. She whisked it in and got everything set up. Right away, my little munchin popped on the screen, moving and heart beating. I got another beautiful picture. She said that the reason we couldn't hear the heart beat is because my uterus has already ascended up, and she wasn't looking that far up with the doppler.
A week before this appointment, I went in because I was scared. I got another picture, as well as a voice recording of the heart beat. The intention, in my head, was that when I was scared or worried, I could listen to the recording and feel a little more at ease. I listen to it at least once a day.... But it just makes me more worried. My brain tells me that everything in fine. My heart tells me - but that was last week. It's old. So much can change so fast....
But problems with my van mean I can't just pick up and go to the clinic. So I keep telling myself that everything is fine, and I'm just over-reacting. But it's still so hard.....
I am almost certain that around 11 weeks, I could feel baby moving. But I haven't felt anything since. And believe me, I have tried! I poke and prod and move and sit still for hours at night, trying to fall asleep, trying to reassure myself that this little baby is growing just fine.
I have books and apps on my phone and I look up stuff online about every little thing happening.... All in attempts to know my baby, that much more. And yet I'm just so scared.
So many stories of happy healthy babies. But so many new stories of grief and heartbreak and loss. New friends on FB who share their story, and I share mine. The telling doesn't get any easier. And I feel so much pain for each of the new people I meet, knowing how much they hurt, how unfair life has been to them.
I miss my baby boy so much. My arms still ache so much. I know I need to focus on the future and taking care of myself for the sake of this new baby.... But I can't stop looking back at what should have been. I know there is no fault or blame.... But is there? Reading up, I have seen it mentioned that cord problems are noticeable during ultrasound. I had an ultrasound just a couple weeks before we learned that Casper was gone. Why didn't they see anything? Were they not looking for something wrong? Were they only focused on his size, because of the medication issue? Why wouldn't they just look at everything? And would it have made a difference? Could they really have done anything?
These thoughts plague me. I hate it. I know it's unhealthy, I know it's too late, I know it was a complete fluke. But it breaks my heart, because I don't want to think that I could have had my son if someone had just gone the extra step...
Well, I'm going to go off and cry a bit now. But I shall leave you with a picture of my beautiful little one...
13 weeks, 1 day
Today, I am 14 weeks and 2 days!
Just over a week ago, I got to see my precious baby. Everything looks great. Dr. Jayne first tried to find a heart beat, but couldn't find it. She said, "Oh it's still early yet." I almost freaked a little, because we had heard it before. But she said no worries, we would just do a little ultrasound. She whisked it in and got everything set up. Right away, my little munchin popped on the screen, moving and heart beating. I got another beautiful picture. She said that the reason we couldn't hear the heart beat is because my uterus has already ascended up, and she wasn't looking that far up with the doppler.
A week before this appointment, I went in because I was scared. I got another picture, as well as a voice recording of the heart beat. The intention, in my head, was that when I was scared or worried, I could listen to the recording and feel a little more at ease. I listen to it at least once a day.... But it just makes me more worried. My brain tells me that everything in fine. My heart tells me - but that was last week. It's old. So much can change so fast....
But problems with my van mean I can't just pick up and go to the clinic. So I keep telling myself that everything is fine, and I'm just over-reacting. But it's still so hard.....
I am almost certain that around 11 weeks, I could feel baby moving. But I haven't felt anything since. And believe me, I have tried! I poke and prod and move and sit still for hours at night, trying to fall asleep, trying to reassure myself that this little baby is growing just fine.
I have books and apps on my phone and I look up stuff online about every little thing happening.... All in attempts to know my baby, that much more. And yet I'm just so scared.
So many stories of happy healthy babies. But so many new stories of grief and heartbreak and loss. New friends on FB who share their story, and I share mine. The telling doesn't get any easier. And I feel so much pain for each of the new people I meet, knowing how much they hurt, how unfair life has been to them.
I miss my baby boy so much. My arms still ache so much. I know I need to focus on the future and taking care of myself for the sake of this new baby.... But I can't stop looking back at what should have been. I know there is no fault or blame.... But is there? Reading up, I have seen it mentioned that cord problems are noticeable during ultrasound. I had an ultrasound just a couple weeks before we learned that Casper was gone. Why didn't they see anything? Were they not looking for something wrong? Were they only focused on his size, because of the medication issue? Why wouldn't they just look at everything? And would it have made a difference? Could they really have done anything?
These thoughts plague me. I hate it. I know it's unhealthy, I know it's too late, I know it was a complete fluke. But it breaks my heart, because I don't want to think that I could have had my son if someone had just gone the extra step...
Well, I'm going to go off and cry a bit now. But I shall leave you with a picture of my beautiful little one...
13 weeks, 1 day
Sunday, June 17, 2012
11 weeks!
That's all. Just wanted to post.
2 more weeks til my next doctor's appointment. Hopefully I'll get a glimpse of Baby Bubble, but for sure a heartbeat.
P.S. More dreams last night. Some very vivid and wacky dreams. But the only reference to Baby was that I was picking through baby clothes, I'm not sure where they came from, but I was passing up anything girly. I had to find only by clothes.
Obviously I know it's just a dream, but I would like to believe my subconscious is telling me this is a baby boy. :)
2 more weeks til my next doctor's appointment. Hopefully I'll get a glimpse of Baby Bubble, but for sure a heartbeat.
P.S. More dreams last night. Some very vivid and wacky dreams. But the only reference to Baby was that I was picking through baby clothes, I'm not sure where they came from, but I was passing up anything girly. I had to find only by clothes.
Obviously I know it's just a dream, but I would like to believe my subconscious is telling me this is a baby boy. :)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Dreams....
I pushed this off as long as I could, and now Im breaking down and writing. yesterday morning, I had several dreams in a row. short little snippets of things that I mostly didn't rememeber.... except the one I couldn't get out of my head. i don't remember a lot of details, but someone was trying to hurt my baby. no regard for my life either. i woke up in a panic and felt sick to my stomach. my whole belly was aching. i had tears in my eyes and my throat felt raw from screaming. even after just waking, i had no real concept of who or what the dream was about, but i was scared for the baby...
i got up and tried to go about my morning routine, hoping to put the dream behind me. i told myself over and over that is was JUST a dream, and that everything was fine. but i just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. no matter what i did, no matter what i tried to eat, i just felt like i was going to throw up.
so without really thinking too much about it, i got on the computer and sent an email to the clinic. i explained about my dream and feeling weird, and asked if i could get in for someone - anyone - to see if baby was ok. i got a call just about 20 minutes later and they were able to get me in later that afternoon.
then all hell broke with my daughter in Texas. she moved down there about 2 years ago because her mom and dad were fighting and she felt trapped in the middle. she said she hated being treated like a child and wanted to be on her own. so she moved down with her oldest brother and his family. she got her GED, started working, and then got her own place. but she ended up getting herself in over her head... we had told her a few months ago that if she needed to come home, we would come get her. we had our tax return coming and would be able to work it out. but she dragged her feet and attempted to make a go of it again, but just dug herself deeper. so now we can't help.... and a big part of me says that since she out herself where she is, she needs to pull herself up and out.
but she is doing what she can, with a little help from her mom and her dad (my husband) and coming home.
so i went to my appointment, with my girls in tow because Wynter refused to let me leave the house without her. got there right on time, but had to sit and wait, which always cranks up my anxiety. but finally they called me back, checked my vitals, and didn't even really ask about why i was there. the computer said it, so i didn't have to try and explain. and again i had to wait for the PA to come in. but she finally did, and was very cool. she got right to it, and started looking for Bubble.
this little one is a mover! every time she would get a lock on him, he would swim away. we got a few beats and he was gone. so she asked me if it was ok that we keep looking, until we could get a good read. i said of course! each little beat made me indescribably happy.... and finally she cornered him and we got a strong steady heartbeat. i felt so much at ease, and all of the tension went right out of me.
baby heart beat was 162.
and my paranoia was relieved.
until next time?
Monday, June 4, 2012
First OB appointment
I absolutely love the clinic I go to. My doctor and her nurse are just amazing.
So I had my first appointment today. Typical of me, I peed before we left the house, so I had almost nothing to leave for a sample... Tammy the nurse came and called me back. She went through all of the usual information. She was charmed by Wynter, who was in a good frame of mind for the beginning. She told me to get changed, because we were gonna do a pap and pelvic exam, and then an ultrasund to check on baby. Well, Dr Jayne didnt want to do anything internal today, because she didnt want to cause any bleeding or spotting and have me freak out. Fine by me!
Well, Wynter got upsey because she was yelled at for touching the ultrasound machine. Then she cried because another nurse came and took the ultrasound machine. But she calmed down and then the doctor came in, with the ultrasound machine. She did an external ultrasound to check on baby - squirming and kicking like crazy! But no picture, cuz the machine was out. Which was ok, because it was just a blob...
She got me cleaned up and then talked me through the "plan" for the pregnancy. She said that any time I had a concern about anything, all I had to do was come in. She would see me every month in the beginning. She wanted to test me early for blood sugar, and test me often for blood sugar. Starting at 28 weeks, she wants bi-weekly stress tests. Every month an ultrasound. And again, if I needed any reassurance in between anything, just to call.
She said during my next appointment, she would do the pap test and exam. She wanted a blood sugar test and all of the other blood work. (instead of putting Wynter through the trauma of watching Mommy get poked).
So all in all, not much happened. But I saw Baby Bubble, everything looks good, and I know my doctor is right on the ball with me. :)
Next appointment is scheduled for July 2.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Vacation... :)
We got to take a nice family vacation, up to my Grandma's house in Eagle River. She has a cottage right on the lake, and we go up every year that we can. Usually we go the weekend of our anniversary, but this year there was a scheduling conflict.
We got our tax return back just in time to take up with us. The weather was a tad unkind, but nothing to stop us! Jay, Derek, and Sara each got pretty sunburns to bring home. Jay was the leader of the fishers, with Mike right behind him. Wynter had great fun helping her great-grandma with everything. Mostly it was just nice to enjoy the fresh air, the beautiful scenery, and the quiet.
It seems to have made a bit of a difference with the bleeding and the SCH, at least from my opinion. I just can't wait to get more information and get checked out next week.
We got our tax return back just in time to take up with us. The weather was a tad unkind, but nothing to stop us! Jay, Derek, and Sara each got pretty sunburns to bring home. Jay was the leader of the fishers, with Mike right behind him. Wynter had great fun helping her great-grandma with everything. Mostly it was just nice to enjoy the fresh air, the beautiful scenery, and the quiet.
It seems to have made a bit of a difference with the bleeding and the SCH, at least from my opinion. I just can't wait to get more information and get checked out next week.
Monday, May 21, 2012
This is NOT going to be easy...
Not that pregnancy ever is.... and I knew it from the get-go. I mean, having Casper die changed my life forever, and made me realize that I had no idea how terrible things could really be. (does that make sense? nothing ever that senseless happened to me before....)
Anyway. This little bubble is keeping me on my toes. There will be no easy going, I'm afraid...
After the ultrasound last week, the bleeding settled down. It was still there, but very lightly. I would notice a little more when I went to the bathroom and had to push.... But nothing that concerned me. Well, all hell broke loose and this weekend I was a fountain. I woke up Saturday morning and bled into the toilet. Like I was on my period. I tried to relax, because I figured one little episode was nothing to freak about. But it came and went all weekend.
This morning, I woke up feeling a sense of dread that I couldn't explain. I felt like the bleeding wasn't right. But at the same time, I was terrified of giving it any attention, because if I gave it attention, that meant that something was wrong. So I posted a message on Facebook, and my amazing and caring friends all badgered me to call the clinic. (I mean that in the nicest possible way, I love them all for pushing me not to ignore it)
So I ended up going in for an ultrasound again. Tammy the nurse was amazing as always. I drank my gallon of water, and floated to the clinic.
Well, right away I noticed during the ultrasound that baby was still there. Baby was bigger too! She said that we would definitely have to do the internal exam, which I figured. But that proved to be just fine too. Definitely bigger, and the heart beat was still there too. Last time it was 118 bpm, and today was 132. All in all, everything looked great. She said that she just didn't see anything to explain the bleeding though.
So she gave me some pictures and sent me on my way, and said that my doctor's office would be calling. Sure enough, Nurse Tammy called shortly before I made it back home. She said that everything looked pretty good still, strong heart beat, and she said that they did find an explanation for the bleed. It was called a subchorionic hemorrhage. Well, that scared the crap out of me. But she explained that it's basically a blood clot right next to the baby. Most of the time, it goes away on its on. The body reabsorbs it and everything is fine. Up to 20% of pregnancies can have a SCH, and most cases are never even known. Worst case scenario, it grows and causes a miscarriage.
She said that Dr. Jayne wanted me to take it easy - modified best rest. No lifting over 20 pounds, no exercise, and no sex. Since I have my first OB appointment already scheduled, they would see how things were going then and see about a follow-up ultrasound.
So there we have it. I'm really glad to have an answer, to know what is going on. I did some research on my own to find out as much as I could about SCH. Nothing scared me, not really anyway. I mean, the chances of things going back are 1-3 % with a really big clot. So I just have to force myself to take it easy and keep calm. Easy right?
Anyway. This little bubble is keeping me on my toes. There will be no easy going, I'm afraid...
After the ultrasound last week, the bleeding settled down. It was still there, but very lightly. I would notice a little more when I went to the bathroom and had to push.... But nothing that concerned me. Well, all hell broke loose and this weekend I was a fountain. I woke up Saturday morning and bled into the toilet. Like I was on my period. I tried to relax, because I figured one little episode was nothing to freak about. But it came and went all weekend.
This morning, I woke up feeling a sense of dread that I couldn't explain. I felt like the bleeding wasn't right. But at the same time, I was terrified of giving it any attention, because if I gave it attention, that meant that something was wrong. So I posted a message on Facebook, and my amazing and caring friends all badgered me to call the clinic. (I mean that in the nicest possible way, I love them all for pushing me not to ignore it)
So I ended up going in for an ultrasound again. Tammy the nurse was amazing as always. I drank my gallon of water, and floated to the clinic.
Well, right away I noticed during the ultrasound that baby was still there. Baby was bigger too! She said that we would definitely have to do the internal exam, which I figured. But that proved to be just fine too. Definitely bigger, and the heart beat was still there too. Last time it was 118 bpm, and today was 132. All in all, everything looked great. She said that she just didn't see anything to explain the bleeding though.
So she gave me some pictures and sent me on my way, and said that my doctor's office would be calling. Sure enough, Nurse Tammy called shortly before I made it back home. She said that everything looked pretty good still, strong heart beat, and she said that they did find an explanation for the bleed. It was called a subchorionic hemorrhage. Well, that scared the crap out of me. But she explained that it's basically a blood clot right next to the baby. Most of the time, it goes away on its on. The body reabsorbs it and everything is fine. Up to 20% of pregnancies can have a SCH, and most cases are never even known. Worst case scenario, it grows and causes a miscarriage.
She said that Dr. Jayne wanted me to take it easy - modified best rest. No lifting over 20 pounds, no exercise, and no sex. Since I have my first OB appointment already scheduled, they would see how things were going then and see about a follow-up ultrasound.
So there we have it. I'm really glad to have an answer, to know what is going on. I did some research on my own to find out as much as I could about SCH. Nothing scared me, not really anyway. I mean, the chances of things going back are 1-3 % with a really big clot. So I just have to force myself to take it easy and keep calm. Easy right?
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Week 6
Your Baby in Week 6 of Pregnancy
You might be coping with full-blown pregnancy symptoms (sorry), but there's plenty of good news too. Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!
Learn more about your baby this week and your baby's head shape.
Your Body in Week 6 of Pregnancy
Your body may not yet have changed on the outside, but there's a lot happening on the inside. For one thing, thepregnancy hormone hCG is causing an increase of blood flow to your pelvic area, and your kidneys are becoming more efficient at ridding your body of waste; add to that the fact that your growing uterus is beginning to push down on your bladder and you've got a perfect (pee) storm. What else is going on in there? Bloating, queasiness, and cravings (orfood aversions).
Learn more about your body this week and frequent urination during pregnancy.
Week 6 Pregnancy Tip: First Prenatal Visit
Sure, you already got the news from your home pregnancy test — but it doesn't hurt to hear it confirmed by a doctor — one reason why you're so psyched for that first practitioner visit. Expect this first of many prenatal checkups to be exciting…and long. You'll have a thorough physical, including a pelvic exam, Pap smear (unless you've recently had one) and blood tests to determine your blood type, Rh factor, and whether you're iron-deficient. You'll also be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, immunity to German measles (rubella), and ethnic-specific genetic diseases. Plus you'll need to pee into a cup (no problem with that — right?) so your urine can be tested for glucose, protein, red and white blood cells, and bacteria. One more thing: Be prepared to answer lots of questions (health histories can take a while), but more importantly, to ask some of your own (bring a list so you won't forget any). Wonder whether you and Joe (aka your beloved triple extra foamy mocha cappuccino) will have to part company now that you're expecting? Why your chest suddenly resembles a map of an interstate highway? If your partner's penis can poke the baby in the eye while you're making love? Don't just sit there — ask! Remember no question is silly now.
Learn more about prenatal testing.
Week 6 Pregnancy Symptoms
Frequent urination: You’re eating for two and peeing for two these days, thanks to your kidneys, which are getting more efficient about ridding your body of waste (yours and your growing baby-to-be’s). You can blame your uterus too, which is putting pressure on your bladder now. To make sure you empty it all out (and save yourself another trip to the bathroom in ten minutes), lean forward when you pee. Then, when you think you’re done, pee again. (Might as well try — you’re there anyway!)
Fatigue: Building that baby (and the life support your growing fetus needs) is hard work, so it’s no wonder you feel exhausted. Listen to your body — if it’s screaming at you to take a break, then take five! But do fit in some exercise: Take a walk or a yoga class; the endorphins you release will lift your mood and help you sleep better. Just don’t overdo!
Breast tenderness and changes: No, it’s not your imagination — your nipples aresticking out more than usual. They may be tender too (so definitely warn your partner about what feels good to the touch and what doesn’t). Why the luscious look these days? All the better to see you with, my dear! Your body is gearing up to breastfeed, and the darker areolas (the skin around the nipples) turn your nipples into a bull’s-eye for your newborn, whose eyesight at birth won’t be very good.
Nausea and vomiting: Whether you are experiencing slight queasiness or hurling breakfast, lunch, or dinner (or all three), look on the bright side. (Though admittedly it’s hard to look at the bright side when your view is the porcelain goddess!) Women who experience some nausea are significantly less likely to miscarry than those who don’t. Combat queasiness by eating small snacks that combine protein and complex carbs — cheese and multigrain crackers, yogurt and granola, whatever your stomach can stomach.
Heartburn and indigestion: Here’s the not-so-great news — the chances of getting through the next nine months heartburn-free are nearly zero. That’s because the muscle at the top of the stomach that usually prevents digestive juices from backing up relaxes. But here's better news: you can minimize the symptoms if you don't rush through your meals and avoid clothes that constrict your belly.
Bloating: Blame the progesterone that’s coursing through your body as you read this — this delightful hormone is essential for maintaining a healthy pregnancy, but it also is responsible for your puff mommy-to-be look. Eat lots of fiber and drink plenty of water to avoid getting constipated, which can aggravate bloating.
Increased sense of smell: Now that you’re pregnant, you’ve got a bloodhound’s keen nose. You can smell your coworker’s lunch from across the room, the cologne your office-mate is wearing, and someone’s dirty sneakers (all at the same time!). What’s the deal with your supersensitive sniffer? Blame your hormones again. If your nose is making the queasies worse, surround yourself with some scents that may make you feel better (if there are any). Some to try: mint, ginger, and lemon.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Roller Coaster
Today was a crazy day. The last 2 weeks, or so, I have been bleeding. Started with just a little red when I wiped in the bathroom, and this last weekend, it was to the point that I had to wear a panty liner and it was covered.
While pregnant with Casper, I went through something similar. Around 11 weeks, I have some weird bleeding. So I went into the ER because it was a Saturday and I was just overwhelmed. Everything turned out fine. They couldn't really tell why I was bleeding, but the baby seemed fine. Strong heartbeat.
Well, if you've ever had a miscarriage, and had to deal with blood pouring out of your body like a waterfall, you understand the fear of blood. Any blood.
So anyway, I emailed into my doctor's office and let them know what was going on. I mentioned that I was taking the aspirin because my OB said in case of any bleeding problems, even though I didn't really have anything like that with Casper.
Well, the nurse called back and asked me a bunch of questions. About cramping, and what color was the blood. She said that she wanted to see about getting me in for an ultrasound today instead of waiting for Wednesday. Won't hear me complain! So I called my stepmom about watching Wynter, since I couldn't handle having to control her. The clinic called back in less than a minute it seemed, and told me they had me in at 2:15. She told me about the water, 32 ounces in 15 minutes, an hour before my appointment. I called my husband at work and told him what was going on, and he said he would try and get the second half of the day off. So I called my mom back again and told her, and she said she could take care of Wynter, not to worry about Jay getting off. I said I was pretty sure he wanted to be there.... He got the afternoon off and came home.
The drinking of the water made me feel like I was drowning. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. The car ride was agony! We got there, checked in, and waiting for what seemed like forever. (Everything seems like forever when you have to pee and can't.) There was an adorable little boy in the waiting room, Wynter was scared of him because he wanted her toy, and I was trying really hard not to burst into tears.
Finally, they called me back and got me up on the table. She explained a little bit about what the plan was, and said that I wasn't going to get any results from her. She got the transducer thing out and ready, and right away I could see a big dark oval, and inside of that a bubble. I knew that was my baby. She measured and moved and looked and measured and clicked. Then we took a closer look at the bubble, and I was straining my eyes to see any kind of movement.
No such luck. She got me up and told me to go pee. The next part was the internal ultrasound. This was what I wanted to see!
Well, we saw movement. She said I needed to be absolutely still so she could try and record the heart beat. I said, "So there IS a heart beat?" My heart dropped to the floor when she said, "Only if I can get a recording." But I needn't have worried - she got 2 really great recording. She even printed off some pictures. She cleaned me up, told me she would go show the radiologist and then they had to call my doctor's office. She wanted me to stay, just in case the radiologist wanted anything else.
About 5 minutes later, she came back and said the radiologist sent me packing! She said I would still get a call from the doctor's office, and told me to have a nice day.
The clinic called about half way home. She said everything really looked fine. She said she had nothing else to offer, no explanation but she didn't think there was anything to worry about. She confirmed my appointment with my OB doctor, and actually changed it so I was seeing the OB and not the PA.
So I started the day thinking the worst. But in the end, it looks like everything is fine right now and I got to see my little bubble.
As I posted on Facebook, even though it's only been 6 weeks, I'm hopelessly in love with this little one. I need this baby, to hold onto my sanity. I can't handle another loss, despite it being early like my husband said (men are clueless, really). Those who me know me know that I don't believe in God or any other religious being. I don't believe in a higher power. I believe in nature and science. I can't pray for good things to happen, I can only hope. I can beg the power of the universe, but I know it's just words in the air.
However, I know I have some people praying for me, and I'll take it. I know I have special friends who are hoping with me, and sending me strength and positive vibes to get through this. I will take anything I can get, anything that anyone is willing to give.
I love my baby bubble, and can't wait for the journey we'll share.
While pregnant with Casper, I went through something similar. Around 11 weeks, I have some weird bleeding. So I went into the ER because it was a Saturday and I was just overwhelmed. Everything turned out fine. They couldn't really tell why I was bleeding, but the baby seemed fine. Strong heartbeat.
Well, if you've ever had a miscarriage, and had to deal with blood pouring out of your body like a waterfall, you understand the fear of blood. Any blood.
So anyway, I emailed into my doctor's office and let them know what was going on. I mentioned that I was taking the aspirin because my OB said in case of any bleeding problems, even though I didn't really have anything like that with Casper.
Well, the nurse called back and asked me a bunch of questions. About cramping, and what color was the blood. She said that she wanted to see about getting me in for an ultrasound today instead of waiting for Wednesday. Won't hear me complain! So I called my stepmom about watching Wynter, since I couldn't handle having to control her. The clinic called back in less than a minute it seemed, and told me they had me in at 2:15. She told me about the water, 32 ounces in 15 minutes, an hour before my appointment. I called my husband at work and told him what was going on, and he said he would try and get the second half of the day off. So I called my mom back again and told her, and she said she could take care of Wynter, not to worry about Jay getting off. I said I was pretty sure he wanted to be there.... He got the afternoon off and came home.
The drinking of the water made me feel like I was drowning. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. The car ride was agony! We got there, checked in, and waiting for what seemed like forever. (Everything seems like forever when you have to pee and can't.) There was an adorable little boy in the waiting room, Wynter was scared of him because he wanted her toy, and I was trying really hard not to burst into tears.
Finally, they called me back and got me up on the table. She explained a little bit about what the plan was, and said that I wasn't going to get any results from her. She got the transducer thing out and ready, and right away I could see a big dark oval, and inside of that a bubble. I knew that was my baby. She measured and moved and looked and measured and clicked. Then we took a closer look at the bubble, and I was straining my eyes to see any kind of movement.
No such luck. She got me up and told me to go pee. The next part was the internal ultrasound. This was what I wanted to see!
Well, we saw movement. She said I needed to be absolutely still so she could try and record the heart beat. I said, "So there IS a heart beat?" My heart dropped to the floor when she said, "Only if I can get a recording." But I needn't have worried - she got 2 really great recording. She even printed off some pictures. She cleaned me up, told me she would go show the radiologist and then they had to call my doctor's office. She wanted me to stay, just in case the radiologist wanted anything else.
About 5 minutes later, she came back and said the radiologist sent me packing! She said I would still get a call from the doctor's office, and told me to have a nice day.
The clinic called about half way home. She said everything really looked fine. She said she had nothing else to offer, no explanation but she didn't think there was anything to worry about. She confirmed my appointment with my OB doctor, and actually changed it so I was seeing the OB and not the PA.
So I started the day thinking the worst. But in the end, it looks like everything is fine right now and I got to see my little bubble.
As I posted on Facebook, even though it's only been 6 weeks, I'm hopelessly in love with this little one. I need this baby, to hold onto my sanity. I can't handle another loss, despite it being early like my husband said (men are clueless, really). Those who me know me know that I don't believe in God or any other religious being. I don't believe in a higher power. I believe in nature and science. I can't pray for good things to happen, I can only hope. I can beg the power of the universe, but I know it's just words in the air.
However, I know I have some people praying for me, and I'll take it. I know I have special friends who are hoping with me, and sending me strength and positive vibes to get through this. I will take anything I can get, anything that anyone is willing to give.
I love my baby bubble, and can't wait for the journey we'll share.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Panic....
I have had spotting for the last week.... Consistant. Every day. Most of the day. Im sure it's stress. I have this skin condition driving me insane. The kids are ... well, kids.
Even so, my numbers rose. I know I shouldn't overthink it. In 4 days, I'll get to see my little bubble.
But I can't help expecting the worse... Waiting for the bad news.... Fearing what I assume to be the inevitable.
After all, there's no rule against disaster striking twice.
But I want this baby. I need this baby. Im already hopelessly in love......
Even so, my numbers rose. I know I shouldn't overthink it. In 4 days, I'll get to see my little bubble.
But I can't help expecting the worse... Waiting for the bad news.... Fearing what I assume to be the inevitable.
After all, there's no rule against disaster striking twice.
But I want this baby. I need this baby. Im already hopelessly in love......
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
One last thing...
In case I haven't mentioned it before, I really have no idea what I'm doing. I played around with some stuff, so who knows if I fixed it or not.
Anyway, I have my ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 4:45 pm. Jay is off work, though he has to run stairs and do some other physical agility stuff for work. (He works for the security department at Children's Hospital. They have to deal with combative patients, as well as escorting people to different places in the hospital and chasing after kids who decide to run away and such things.)
In preparation for this ultrasound I need a full bladder. This is a first for me. I have to drink 32 ounces of water. In 15 minutes. An hour before the appointment starts. I already run to the bathroom a million times a day, so this should be fun. Because yes, you guessed it... I have to hold it through the whole ultrasound. I sure hope I don't pee on the table....
I can't wait to see (even knowing it's just gonna be a speck) my little rainbow baby! :)
Anyway, I have my ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 4:45 pm. Jay is off work, though he has to run stairs and do some other physical agility stuff for work. (He works for the security department at Children's Hospital. They have to deal with combative patients, as well as escorting people to different places in the hospital and chasing after kids who decide to run away and such things.)
In preparation for this ultrasound I need a full bladder. This is a first for me. I have to drink 32 ounces of water. In 15 minutes. An hour before the appointment starts. I already run to the bathroom a million times a day, so this should be fun. Because yes, you guessed it... I have to hold it through the whole ultrasound. I sure hope I don't pee on the table....
I can't wait to see (even knowing it's just gonna be a speck) my little rainbow baby! :)
5 weeks and counting....
http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/5-weeks-pregnant.html
Your Pregnancy: Week 5
Although you've been pregnant for four weeks now, you probably just found out. Congrats! Yippee! Woohoo! The fact that you're actually growing a baby inside you probably seems completely surreal. Don't worry, it's common. Still, do your best not to overthink it. Instead, concentrate on making a nice home for the baby over the next nine months by taking care of you. That means eating right, moving your body (some call it exercise, but that sounds so strenuous) and taking it easy.
Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...
What You're Thinking:
"If I order a club soda with lime on the rocks, I might be able to dupe my friends into believing that there's nothing suspicious going on."
Your body
If you never paid much attention to what you eat—we're talking to you Ms. Cheeseburger and Fries—now's the time to make it a priority to eat the most nutritious food you can.
The average pregnant woman needs about300 extra calories each day. That's right:extra calories! Being pregnant rocks!
Many insurance plans will pay for you to have a consultation with a qualified nutritionist or dietitian, who can help you create an eating plan that will work for you. That doesn't mean you have to give up your vices and just eat boring health food all day. A nutritional plan will help you get the stuff you need for your baby first, then the rest can be icing on the cake. (Literally, you can eat icing if you want to. How great is that?)
Certain "super-foods" like walnuts and yogurt can provide extra bang for your buck, giving you and your baby much-needed nutrients in each bite. Walnuts dipped in icing anyone?
Your Baby
Your baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for. Here's what else is under construction:
With the beating of the heart, blood will begin to circulate throughout the body. Your baby's first organ system will be up and running!
The beginnings of the brain; the cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive systems; as well as all other major systems are under way.
Your baby's new digs—the amniotic sac and the placenta (aka the hotel and the restaurant)—are still forming at this point. (Maybe you should send a housewarming gift.)
All that high-speed development and your baby is only 2 millimeters long—about the size of a sesame seed (check one out next time you're chowing down on a bagel—you won't believe how tiny it is!).
Your Life
Don't wait until the baby arrives to invest in a good point-and-shoot digital camera. (It'll probably take you at least nine months to figure out how to use it anyway!) If you don't already have one, check out Consumer Reports to find the model that's right for you.
With your new camera (or with the one you already have), start taking pics of your growing belly week after week. After it's all said and done, you won't believe you were ever that big (or this small).
Make a list of all the things you want to do before the baby arrives. Want to go to France? (Or even the outlet mall in the next town over?) Start planning, because the next several months will be prime time to get in as much as possible.
Your Pregnancy: Week 5
Although you've been pregnant for four weeks now, you probably just found out. Congrats! Yippee! Woohoo! The fact that you're actually growing a baby inside you probably seems completely surreal. Don't worry, it's common. Still, do your best not to overthink it. Instead, concentrate on making a nice home for the baby over the next nine months by taking care of you. That means eating right, moving your body (some call it exercise, but that sounds so strenuous) and taking it easy.
Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...
What You're Thinking:
"If I order a club soda with lime on the rocks, I might be able to dupe my friends into believing that there's nothing suspicious going on."
Your body
If you never paid much attention to what you eat—we're talking to you Ms. Cheeseburger and Fries—now's the time to make it a priority to eat the most nutritious food you can.
The average pregnant woman needs about300 extra calories each day. That's right:extra calories! Being pregnant rocks!
Many insurance plans will pay for you to have a consultation with a qualified nutritionist or dietitian, who can help you create an eating plan that will work for you. That doesn't mean you have to give up your vices and just eat boring health food all day. A nutritional plan will help you get the stuff you need for your baby first, then the rest can be icing on the cake. (Literally, you can eat icing if you want to. How great is that?)
Certain "super-foods" like walnuts and yogurt can provide extra bang for your buck, giving you and your baby much-needed nutrients in each bite. Walnuts dipped in icing anyone?
Your BabyYour baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for. Here's what else is under construction:
With the beating of the heart, blood will begin to circulate throughout the body. Your baby's first organ system will be up and running!
The beginnings of the brain; the cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive systems; as well as all other major systems are under way.
Your baby's new digs—the amniotic sac and the placenta (aka the hotel and the restaurant)—are still forming at this point. (Maybe you should send a housewarming gift.)
All that high-speed development and your baby is only 2 millimeters long—about the size of a sesame seed (check one out next time you're chowing down on a bagel—you won't believe how tiny it is!).
Your Life
Don't wait until the baby arrives to invest in a good point-and-shoot digital camera. (It'll probably take you at least nine months to figure out how to use it anyway!) If you don't already have one, check out Consumer Reports to find the model that's right for you.
With your new camera (or with the one you already have), start taking pics of your growing belly week after week. After it's all said and done, you won't believe you were ever that big (or this small).
Make a list of all the things you want to do before the baby arrives. Want to go to France? (Or even the outlet mall in the next town over?) Start planning, because the next several months will be prime time to get in as much as possible.
Next step?
Well, I went again for blood tests yesterday (Tuesday). My poor veins look like a pin cushion. Luckily I haven't been bruised as bad as the first time.
So anyway, I went in early so I could make sure I got the results back same day. I don't like waiting. I know patience is a virtue, but I am not virtuous. I know it, and I don't care. Well, I called at 3, and there was no result. That would have given them about 2 hours to process. I called again at 4:30, and there was still no result. The nurse I talked to said she would call down to the lab and see what the hold up was. I sat on hold, and she came back to say that she left a message, and she would call me back if she heard anything before the end of the day. She said not to worry if I didn't hear, it just meant they didn't get it finished. I guess it was a busy day?
So this morning, I sent an email first, asking for an answer if it was available. An hour and a half later, there was nothing. Which is really weird, because Tammy is always really awesome about getting back to me right away. So I called. (Tammy isn't in the office today!) She looked it up, and ... sounded like she was trying to hold back from saying anything. She asked too if I had any bleeding or anything. I started to panic. My thoughts were racing - even though it's only 5 weeks, I can not lose this baby. I'm too attached already. It can't happen to me.... Well, she looked at the results from last Friday, for a reference (it was 1893, by the way), and then told me that the new result from yesterday was 8587. HUGE INCREASE!! So here I am thinking that everything is fine, but she says that she wants to run it by the other doctor in the office. And I asked, "Does that mean there is something else to worry about, or something else going on?" She said no, she just wants to have a doctor looked at it and see what comes next.
See, I hate when I have to deal with people who are not my regular OB (Dr. Jayne) or the regular nurse I deal with (Tammy). Tammy is awesome, and is very upfront with me. She tells me exactly everything. Dr. Jayne will tell me that I have nothing to worry about - when the ultrasound tech told me about the extra fluid with Casper, I was scared spitless. But Dr. Jayne said it was a negligible amount over normal, and she would look into what to do and handle everything. She knows how to calm me down, unless there is something to really worry about. I know she cares, and I know she knows ME.
Ugh. So needless to say, more waiting. Who knows what kind of answers they are going to give me. I want to see Dr. Jayne. I want to get HER opinion, and hear what SHE says about everything! Why can't things work the way I want them to? These other people cause me unneeded amounts of stress (mostly because they don't know the whole situation, and what it means to have a rainbow baby....) and I do not want to deal with them!!!
*sigh*
UPDATE!!! I heard back from the clinic. The nurse talked to the physician's assistance, who said everything looks great, and the next step is the early ultrasound! She wants to wait until next week, since 6 weeks is the earliest they want to do an ultrasound. As it is, not much will be visible, but it's a start!!!
So anyway, I went in early so I could make sure I got the results back same day. I don't like waiting. I know patience is a virtue, but I am not virtuous. I know it, and I don't care. Well, I called at 3, and there was no result. That would have given them about 2 hours to process. I called again at 4:30, and there was still no result. The nurse I talked to said she would call down to the lab and see what the hold up was. I sat on hold, and she came back to say that she left a message, and she would call me back if she heard anything before the end of the day. She said not to worry if I didn't hear, it just meant they didn't get it finished. I guess it was a busy day?
So this morning, I sent an email first, asking for an answer if it was available. An hour and a half later, there was nothing. Which is really weird, because Tammy is always really awesome about getting back to me right away. So I called. (Tammy isn't in the office today!) She looked it up, and ... sounded like she was trying to hold back from saying anything. She asked too if I had any bleeding or anything. I started to panic. My thoughts were racing - even though it's only 5 weeks, I can not lose this baby. I'm too attached already. It can't happen to me.... Well, she looked at the results from last Friday, for a reference (it was 1893, by the way), and then told me that the new result from yesterday was 8587. HUGE INCREASE!! So here I am thinking that everything is fine, but she says that she wants to run it by the other doctor in the office. And I asked, "Does that mean there is something else to worry about, or something else going on?" She said no, she just wants to have a doctor looked at it and see what comes next.
See, I hate when I have to deal with people who are not my regular OB (Dr. Jayne) or the regular nurse I deal with (Tammy). Tammy is awesome, and is very upfront with me. She tells me exactly everything. Dr. Jayne will tell me that I have nothing to worry about - when the ultrasound tech told me about the extra fluid with Casper, I was scared spitless. But Dr. Jayne said it was a negligible amount over normal, and she would look into what to do and handle everything. She knows how to calm me down, unless there is something to really worry about. I know she cares, and I know she knows ME.
Ugh. So needless to say, more waiting. Who knows what kind of answers they are going to give me. I want to see Dr. Jayne. I want to get HER opinion, and hear what SHE says about everything! Why can't things work the way I want them to? These other people cause me unneeded amounts of stress (mostly because they don't know the whole situation, and what it means to have a rainbow baby....) and I do not want to deal with them!!!
*sigh*
UPDATE!!! I heard back from the clinic. The nurse talked to the physician's assistance, who said everything looks great, and the next step is the early ultrasound! She wants to wait until next week, since 6 weeks is the earliest they want to do an ultrasound. As it is, not much will be visible, but it's a start!!!
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