We got to take a nice family vacation, up to my Grandma's house in Eagle River. She has a cottage right on the lake, and we go up every year that we can. Usually we go the weekend of our anniversary, but this year there was a scheduling conflict.
We got our tax return back just in time to take up with us. The weather was a tad unkind, but nothing to stop us! Jay, Derek, and Sara each got pretty sunburns to bring home. Jay was the leader of the fishers, with Mike right behind him. Wynter had great fun helping her great-grandma with everything. Mostly it was just nice to enjoy the fresh air, the beautiful scenery, and the quiet.
It seems to have made a bit of a difference with the bleeding and the SCH, at least from my opinion. I just can't wait to get more information and get checked out next week.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
This is NOT going to be easy...
Not that pregnancy ever is.... and I knew it from the get-go. I mean, having Casper die changed my life forever, and made me realize that I had no idea how terrible things could really be. (does that make sense? nothing ever that senseless happened to me before....)
Anyway. This little bubble is keeping me on my toes. There will be no easy going, I'm afraid...
After the ultrasound last week, the bleeding settled down. It was still there, but very lightly. I would notice a little more when I went to the bathroom and had to push.... But nothing that concerned me. Well, all hell broke loose and this weekend I was a fountain. I woke up Saturday morning and bled into the toilet. Like I was on my period. I tried to relax, because I figured one little episode was nothing to freak about. But it came and went all weekend.
This morning, I woke up feeling a sense of dread that I couldn't explain. I felt like the bleeding wasn't right. But at the same time, I was terrified of giving it any attention, because if I gave it attention, that meant that something was wrong. So I posted a message on Facebook, and my amazing and caring friends all badgered me to call the clinic. (I mean that in the nicest possible way, I love them all for pushing me not to ignore it)
So I ended up going in for an ultrasound again. Tammy the nurse was amazing as always. I drank my gallon of water, and floated to the clinic.
Well, right away I noticed during the ultrasound that baby was still there. Baby was bigger too! She said that we would definitely have to do the internal exam, which I figured. But that proved to be just fine too. Definitely bigger, and the heart beat was still there too. Last time it was 118 bpm, and today was 132. All in all, everything looked great. She said that she just didn't see anything to explain the bleeding though.
So she gave me some pictures and sent me on my way, and said that my doctor's office would be calling. Sure enough, Nurse Tammy called shortly before I made it back home. She said that everything looked pretty good still, strong heart beat, and she said that they did find an explanation for the bleed. It was called a subchorionic hemorrhage. Well, that scared the crap out of me. But she explained that it's basically a blood clot right next to the baby. Most of the time, it goes away on its on. The body reabsorbs it and everything is fine. Up to 20% of pregnancies can have a SCH, and most cases are never even known. Worst case scenario, it grows and causes a miscarriage.
She said that Dr. Jayne wanted me to take it easy - modified best rest. No lifting over 20 pounds, no exercise, and no sex. Since I have my first OB appointment already scheduled, they would see how things were going then and see about a follow-up ultrasound.
So there we have it. I'm really glad to have an answer, to know what is going on. I did some research on my own to find out as much as I could about SCH. Nothing scared me, not really anyway. I mean, the chances of things going back are 1-3 % with a really big clot. So I just have to force myself to take it easy and keep calm. Easy right?
Anyway. This little bubble is keeping me on my toes. There will be no easy going, I'm afraid...
After the ultrasound last week, the bleeding settled down. It was still there, but very lightly. I would notice a little more when I went to the bathroom and had to push.... But nothing that concerned me. Well, all hell broke loose and this weekend I was a fountain. I woke up Saturday morning and bled into the toilet. Like I was on my period. I tried to relax, because I figured one little episode was nothing to freak about. But it came and went all weekend.
This morning, I woke up feeling a sense of dread that I couldn't explain. I felt like the bleeding wasn't right. But at the same time, I was terrified of giving it any attention, because if I gave it attention, that meant that something was wrong. So I posted a message on Facebook, and my amazing and caring friends all badgered me to call the clinic. (I mean that in the nicest possible way, I love them all for pushing me not to ignore it)
So I ended up going in for an ultrasound again. Tammy the nurse was amazing as always. I drank my gallon of water, and floated to the clinic.
Well, right away I noticed during the ultrasound that baby was still there. Baby was bigger too! She said that we would definitely have to do the internal exam, which I figured. But that proved to be just fine too. Definitely bigger, and the heart beat was still there too. Last time it was 118 bpm, and today was 132. All in all, everything looked great. She said that she just didn't see anything to explain the bleeding though.
So she gave me some pictures and sent me on my way, and said that my doctor's office would be calling. Sure enough, Nurse Tammy called shortly before I made it back home. She said that everything looked pretty good still, strong heart beat, and she said that they did find an explanation for the bleed. It was called a subchorionic hemorrhage. Well, that scared the crap out of me. But she explained that it's basically a blood clot right next to the baby. Most of the time, it goes away on its on. The body reabsorbs it and everything is fine. Up to 20% of pregnancies can have a SCH, and most cases are never even known. Worst case scenario, it grows and causes a miscarriage.
She said that Dr. Jayne wanted me to take it easy - modified best rest. No lifting over 20 pounds, no exercise, and no sex. Since I have my first OB appointment already scheduled, they would see how things were going then and see about a follow-up ultrasound.
So there we have it. I'm really glad to have an answer, to know what is going on. I did some research on my own to find out as much as I could about SCH. Nothing scared me, not really anyway. I mean, the chances of things going back are 1-3 % with a really big clot. So I just have to force myself to take it easy and keep calm. Easy right?
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Week 6
Your Baby in Week 6 of Pregnancy
You might be coping with full-blown pregnancy symptoms (sorry), but there's plenty of good news too. Your baby's jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are beginning to form what will eventually become one adorable face. In addition, her kidneys, liver, and lungs are developing, and her heart is now beating 80 times a minute (and getting faster every day). All this and she's still no bigger than the length of a nail head (about a quarter of an inch) from crown to rump!
Learn more about your baby this week and your baby's head shape.
Your Body in Week 6 of Pregnancy
Your body may not yet have changed on the outside, but there's a lot happening on the inside. For one thing, thepregnancy hormone hCG is causing an increase of blood flow to your pelvic area, and your kidneys are becoming more efficient at ridding your body of waste; add to that the fact that your growing uterus is beginning to push down on your bladder and you've got a perfect (pee) storm. What else is going on in there? Bloating, queasiness, and cravings (orfood aversions).
Learn more about your body this week and frequent urination during pregnancy.
Week 6 Pregnancy Tip: First Prenatal Visit
Sure, you already got the news from your home pregnancy test — but it doesn't hurt to hear it confirmed by a doctor — one reason why you're so psyched for that first practitioner visit. Expect this first of many prenatal checkups to be exciting…and long. You'll have a thorough physical, including a pelvic exam, Pap smear (unless you've recently had one) and blood tests to determine your blood type, Rh factor, and whether you're iron-deficient. You'll also be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, immunity to German measles (rubella), and ethnic-specific genetic diseases. Plus you'll need to pee into a cup (no problem with that — right?) so your urine can be tested for glucose, protein, red and white blood cells, and bacteria. One more thing: Be prepared to answer lots of questions (health histories can take a while), but more importantly, to ask some of your own (bring a list so you won't forget any). Wonder whether you and Joe (aka your beloved triple extra foamy mocha cappuccino) will have to part company now that you're expecting? Why your chest suddenly resembles a map of an interstate highway? If your partner's penis can poke the baby in the eye while you're making love? Don't just sit there — ask! Remember no question is silly now.
Learn more about prenatal testing.
Week 6 Pregnancy Symptoms
Frequent urination: You’re eating for two and peeing for two these days, thanks to your kidneys, which are getting more efficient about ridding your body of waste (yours and your growing baby-to-be’s). You can blame your uterus too, which is putting pressure on your bladder now. To make sure you empty it all out (and save yourself another trip to the bathroom in ten minutes), lean forward when you pee. Then, when you think you’re done, pee again. (Might as well try — you’re there anyway!)
Fatigue: Building that baby (and the life support your growing fetus needs) is hard work, so it’s no wonder you feel exhausted. Listen to your body — if it’s screaming at you to take a break, then take five! But do fit in some exercise: Take a walk or a yoga class; the endorphins you release will lift your mood and help you sleep better. Just don’t overdo!
Breast tenderness and changes: No, it’s not your imagination — your nipples aresticking out more than usual. They may be tender too (so definitely warn your partner about what feels good to the touch and what doesn’t). Why the luscious look these days? All the better to see you with, my dear! Your body is gearing up to breastfeed, and the darker areolas (the skin around the nipples) turn your nipples into a bull’s-eye for your newborn, whose eyesight at birth won’t be very good.
Nausea and vomiting: Whether you are experiencing slight queasiness or hurling breakfast, lunch, or dinner (or all three), look on the bright side. (Though admittedly it’s hard to look at the bright side when your view is the porcelain goddess!) Women who experience some nausea are significantly less likely to miscarry than those who don’t. Combat queasiness by eating small snacks that combine protein and complex carbs — cheese and multigrain crackers, yogurt and granola, whatever your stomach can stomach.
Heartburn and indigestion: Here’s the not-so-great news — the chances of getting through the next nine months heartburn-free are nearly zero. That’s because the muscle at the top of the stomach that usually prevents digestive juices from backing up relaxes. But here's better news: you can minimize the symptoms if you don't rush through your meals and avoid clothes that constrict your belly.
Bloating: Blame the progesterone that’s coursing through your body as you read this — this delightful hormone is essential for maintaining a healthy pregnancy, but it also is responsible for your puff mommy-to-be look. Eat lots of fiber and drink plenty of water to avoid getting constipated, which can aggravate bloating.
Increased sense of smell: Now that you’re pregnant, you’ve got a bloodhound’s keen nose. You can smell your coworker’s lunch from across the room, the cologne your office-mate is wearing, and someone’s dirty sneakers (all at the same time!). What’s the deal with your supersensitive sniffer? Blame your hormones again. If your nose is making the queasies worse, surround yourself with some scents that may make you feel better (if there are any). Some to try: mint, ginger, and lemon.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Roller Coaster
Today was a crazy day. The last 2 weeks, or so, I have been bleeding. Started with just a little red when I wiped in the bathroom, and this last weekend, it was to the point that I had to wear a panty liner and it was covered.
While pregnant with Casper, I went through something similar. Around 11 weeks, I have some weird bleeding. So I went into the ER because it was a Saturday and I was just overwhelmed. Everything turned out fine. They couldn't really tell why I was bleeding, but the baby seemed fine. Strong heartbeat.
Well, if you've ever had a miscarriage, and had to deal with blood pouring out of your body like a waterfall, you understand the fear of blood. Any blood.
So anyway, I emailed into my doctor's office and let them know what was going on. I mentioned that I was taking the aspirin because my OB said in case of any bleeding problems, even though I didn't really have anything like that with Casper.
Well, the nurse called back and asked me a bunch of questions. About cramping, and what color was the blood. She said that she wanted to see about getting me in for an ultrasound today instead of waiting for Wednesday. Won't hear me complain! So I called my stepmom about watching Wynter, since I couldn't handle having to control her. The clinic called back in less than a minute it seemed, and told me they had me in at 2:15. She told me about the water, 32 ounces in 15 minutes, an hour before my appointment. I called my husband at work and told him what was going on, and he said he would try and get the second half of the day off. So I called my mom back again and told her, and she said she could take care of Wynter, not to worry about Jay getting off. I said I was pretty sure he wanted to be there.... He got the afternoon off and came home.
The drinking of the water made me feel like I was drowning. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. The car ride was agony! We got there, checked in, and waiting for what seemed like forever. (Everything seems like forever when you have to pee and can't.) There was an adorable little boy in the waiting room, Wynter was scared of him because he wanted her toy, and I was trying really hard not to burst into tears.
Finally, they called me back and got me up on the table. She explained a little bit about what the plan was, and said that I wasn't going to get any results from her. She got the transducer thing out and ready, and right away I could see a big dark oval, and inside of that a bubble. I knew that was my baby. She measured and moved and looked and measured and clicked. Then we took a closer look at the bubble, and I was straining my eyes to see any kind of movement.
No such luck. She got me up and told me to go pee. The next part was the internal ultrasound. This was what I wanted to see!
Well, we saw movement. She said I needed to be absolutely still so she could try and record the heart beat. I said, "So there IS a heart beat?" My heart dropped to the floor when she said, "Only if I can get a recording." But I needn't have worried - she got 2 really great recording. She even printed off some pictures. She cleaned me up, told me she would go show the radiologist and then they had to call my doctor's office. She wanted me to stay, just in case the radiologist wanted anything else.
About 5 minutes later, she came back and said the radiologist sent me packing! She said I would still get a call from the doctor's office, and told me to have a nice day.
The clinic called about half way home. She said everything really looked fine. She said she had nothing else to offer, no explanation but she didn't think there was anything to worry about. She confirmed my appointment with my OB doctor, and actually changed it so I was seeing the OB and not the PA.
So I started the day thinking the worst. But in the end, it looks like everything is fine right now and I got to see my little bubble.
As I posted on Facebook, even though it's only been 6 weeks, I'm hopelessly in love with this little one. I need this baby, to hold onto my sanity. I can't handle another loss, despite it being early like my husband said (men are clueless, really). Those who me know me know that I don't believe in God or any other religious being. I don't believe in a higher power. I believe in nature and science. I can't pray for good things to happen, I can only hope. I can beg the power of the universe, but I know it's just words in the air.
However, I know I have some people praying for me, and I'll take it. I know I have special friends who are hoping with me, and sending me strength and positive vibes to get through this. I will take anything I can get, anything that anyone is willing to give.
I love my baby bubble, and can't wait for the journey we'll share.
While pregnant with Casper, I went through something similar. Around 11 weeks, I have some weird bleeding. So I went into the ER because it was a Saturday and I was just overwhelmed. Everything turned out fine. They couldn't really tell why I was bleeding, but the baby seemed fine. Strong heartbeat.
Well, if you've ever had a miscarriage, and had to deal with blood pouring out of your body like a waterfall, you understand the fear of blood. Any blood.
So anyway, I emailed into my doctor's office and let them know what was going on. I mentioned that I was taking the aspirin because my OB said in case of any bleeding problems, even though I didn't really have anything like that with Casper.
Well, the nurse called back and asked me a bunch of questions. About cramping, and what color was the blood. She said that she wanted to see about getting me in for an ultrasound today instead of waiting for Wednesday. Won't hear me complain! So I called my stepmom about watching Wynter, since I couldn't handle having to control her. The clinic called back in less than a minute it seemed, and told me they had me in at 2:15. She told me about the water, 32 ounces in 15 minutes, an hour before my appointment. I called my husband at work and told him what was going on, and he said he would try and get the second half of the day off. So I called my mom back again and told her, and she said she could take care of Wynter, not to worry about Jay getting off. I said I was pretty sure he wanted to be there.... He got the afternoon off and came home.
The drinking of the water made me feel like I was drowning. I literally felt like I was going to throw up. The car ride was agony! We got there, checked in, and waiting for what seemed like forever. (Everything seems like forever when you have to pee and can't.) There was an adorable little boy in the waiting room, Wynter was scared of him because he wanted her toy, and I was trying really hard not to burst into tears.
Finally, they called me back and got me up on the table. She explained a little bit about what the plan was, and said that I wasn't going to get any results from her. She got the transducer thing out and ready, and right away I could see a big dark oval, and inside of that a bubble. I knew that was my baby. She measured and moved and looked and measured and clicked. Then we took a closer look at the bubble, and I was straining my eyes to see any kind of movement.
No such luck. She got me up and told me to go pee. The next part was the internal ultrasound. This was what I wanted to see!
Well, we saw movement. She said I needed to be absolutely still so she could try and record the heart beat. I said, "So there IS a heart beat?" My heart dropped to the floor when she said, "Only if I can get a recording." But I needn't have worried - she got 2 really great recording. She even printed off some pictures. She cleaned me up, told me she would go show the radiologist and then they had to call my doctor's office. She wanted me to stay, just in case the radiologist wanted anything else.
About 5 minutes later, she came back and said the radiologist sent me packing! She said I would still get a call from the doctor's office, and told me to have a nice day.
The clinic called about half way home. She said everything really looked fine. She said she had nothing else to offer, no explanation but she didn't think there was anything to worry about. She confirmed my appointment with my OB doctor, and actually changed it so I was seeing the OB and not the PA.
So I started the day thinking the worst. But in the end, it looks like everything is fine right now and I got to see my little bubble.
As I posted on Facebook, even though it's only been 6 weeks, I'm hopelessly in love with this little one. I need this baby, to hold onto my sanity. I can't handle another loss, despite it being early like my husband said (men are clueless, really). Those who me know me know that I don't believe in God or any other religious being. I don't believe in a higher power. I believe in nature and science. I can't pray for good things to happen, I can only hope. I can beg the power of the universe, but I know it's just words in the air.
However, I know I have some people praying for me, and I'll take it. I know I have special friends who are hoping with me, and sending me strength and positive vibes to get through this. I will take anything I can get, anything that anyone is willing to give.
I love my baby bubble, and can't wait for the journey we'll share.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Panic....
I have had spotting for the last week.... Consistant. Every day. Most of the day. Im sure it's stress. I have this skin condition driving me insane. The kids are ... well, kids.
Even so, my numbers rose. I know I shouldn't overthink it. In 4 days, I'll get to see my little bubble.
But I can't help expecting the worse... Waiting for the bad news.... Fearing what I assume to be the inevitable.
After all, there's no rule against disaster striking twice.
But I want this baby. I need this baby. Im already hopelessly in love......
Even so, my numbers rose. I know I shouldn't overthink it. In 4 days, I'll get to see my little bubble.
But I can't help expecting the worse... Waiting for the bad news.... Fearing what I assume to be the inevitable.
After all, there's no rule against disaster striking twice.
But I want this baby. I need this baby. Im already hopelessly in love......
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
One last thing...
In case I haven't mentioned it before, I really have no idea what I'm doing. I played around with some stuff, so who knows if I fixed it or not.
Anyway, I have my ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 4:45 pm. Jay is off work, though he has to run stairs and do some other physical agility stuff for work. (He works for the security department at Children's Hospital. They have to deal with combative patients, as well as escorting people to different places in the hospital and chasing after kids who decide to run away and such things.)
In preparation for this ultrasound I need a full bladder. This is a first for me. I have to drink 32 ounces of water. In 15 minutes. An hour before the appointment starts. I already run to the bathroom a million times a day, so this should be fun. Because yes, you guessed it... I have to hold it through the whole ultrasound. I sure hope I don't pee on the table....
I can't wait to see (even knowing it's just gonna be a speck) my little rainbow baby! :)
Anyway, I have my ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday at 4:45 pm. Jay is off work, though he has to run stairs and do some other physical agility stuff for work. (He works for the security department at Children's Hospital. They have to deal with combative patients, as well as escorting people to different places in the hospital and chasing after kids who decide to run away and such things.)
In preparation for this ultrasound I need a full bladder. This is a first for me. I have to drink 32 ounces of water. In 15 minutes. An hour before the appointment starts. I already run to the bathroom a million times a day, so this should be fun. Because yes, you guessed it... I have to hold it through the whole ultrasound. I sure hope I don't pee on the table....
I can't wait to see (even knowing it's just gonna be a speck) my little rainbow baby! :)
5 weeks and counting....
http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/5-weeks-pregnant.html
Your Pregnancy: Week 5
Although you've been pregnant for four weeks now, you probably just found out. Congrats! Yippee! Woohoo! The fact that you're actually growing a baby inside you probably seems completely surreal. Don't worry, it's common. Still, do your best not to overthink it. Instead, concentrate on making a nice home for the baby over the next nine months by taking care of you. That means eating right, moving your body (some call it exercise, but that sounds so strenuous) and taking it easy.
Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...
What You're Thinking:
"If I order a club soda with lime on the rocks, I might be able to dupe my friends into believing that there's nothing suspicious going on."
Your body
If you never paid much attention to what you eat—we're talking to you Ms. Cheeseburger and Fries—now's the time to make it a priority to eat the most nutritious food you can.
The average pregnant woman needs about300 extra calories each day. That's right:extra calories! Being pregnant rocks!
Many insurance plans will pay for you to have a consultation with a qualified nutritionist or dietitian, who can help you create an eating plan that will work for you. That doesn't mean you have to give up your vices and just eat boring health food all day. A nutritional plan will help you get the stuff you need for your baby first, then the rest can be icing on the cake. (Literally, you can eat icing if you want to. How great is that?)
Certain "super-foods" like walnuts and yogurt can provide extra bang for your buck, giving you and your baby much-needed nutrients in each bite. Walnuts dipped in icing anyone?
Your Baby
Your baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for. Here's what else is under construction:
With the beating of the heart, blood will begin to circulate throughout the body. Your baby's first organ system will be up and running!
The beginnings of the brain; the cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive systems; as well as all other major systems are under way.
Your baby's new digs—the amniotic sac and the placenta (aka the hotel and the restaurant)—are still forming at this point. (Maybe you should send a housewarming gift.)
All that high-speed development and your baby is only 2 millimeters long—about the size of a sesame seed (check one out next time you're chowing down on a bagel—you won't believe how tiny it is!).
Your Life
Don't wait until the baby arrives to invest in a good point-and-shoot digital camera. (It'll probably take you at least nine months to figure out how to use it anyway!) If you don't already have one, check out Consumer Reports to find the model that's right for you.
With your new camera (or with the one you already have), start taking pics of your growing belly week after week. After it's all said and done, you won't believe you were ever that big (or this small).
Make a list of all the things you want to do before the baby arrives. Want to go to France? (Or even the outlet mall in the next town over?) Start planning, because the next several months will be prime time to get in as much as possible.
Your Pregnancy: Week 5
Although you've been pregnant for four weeks now, you probably just found out. Congrats! Yippee! Woohoo! The fact that you're actually growing a baby inside you probably seems completely surreal. Don't worry, it's common. Still, do your best not to overthink it. Instead, concentrate on making a nice home for the baby over the next nine months by taking care of you. That means eating right, moving your body (some call it exercise, but that sounds so strenuous) and taking it easy.
Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...
What You're Thinking:
"If I order a club soda with lime on the rocks, I might be able to dupe my friends into believing that there's nothing suspicious going on."
Your body
If you never paid much attention to what you eat—we're talking to you Ms. Cheeseburger and Fries—now's the time to make it a priority to eat the most nutritious food you can.
The average pregnant woman needs about300 extra calories each day. That's right:extra calories! Being pregnant rocks!
Many insurance plans will pay for you to have a consultation with a qualified nutritionist or dietitian, who can help you create an eating plan that will work for you. That doesn't mean you have to give up your vices and just eat boring health food all day. A nutritional plan will help you get the stuff you need for your baby first, then the rest can be icing on the cake. (Literally, you can eat icing if you want to. How great is that?)
Certain "super-foods" like walnuts and yogurt can provide extra bang for your buck, giving you and your baby much-needed nutrients in each bite. Walnuts dipped in icing anyone?
Your BabyYour baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for. Here's what else is under construction:
With the beating of the heart, blood will begin to circulate throughout the body. Your baby's first organ system will be up and running!
The beginnings of the brain; the cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive systems; as well as all other major systems are under way.
Your baby's new digs—the amniotic sac and the placenta (aka the hotel and the restaurant)—are still forming at this point. (Maybe you should send a housewarming gift.)
All that high-speed development and your baby is only 2 millimeters long—about the size of a sesame seed (check one out next time you're chowing down on a bagel—you won't believe how tiny it is!).
Your Life
Don't wait until the baby arrives to invest in a good point-and-shoot digital camera. (It'll probably take you at least nine months to figure out how to use it anyway!) If you don't already have one, check out Consumer Reports to find the model that's right for you.
With your new camera (or with the one you already have), start taking pics of your growing belly week after week. After it's all said and done, you won't believe you were ever that big (or this small).
Make a list of all the things you want to do before the baby arrives. Want to go to France? (Or even the outlet mall in the next town over?) Start planning, because the next several months will be prime time to get in as much as possible.
Next step?
Well, I went again for blood tests yesterday (Tuesday). My poor veins look like a pin cushion. Luckily I haven't been bruised as bad as the first time.
So anyway, I went in early so I could make sure I got the results back same day. I don't like waiting. I know patience is a virtue, but I am not virtuous. I know it, and I don't care. Well, I called at 3, and there was no result. That would have given them about 2 hours to process. I called again at 4:30, and there was still no result. The nurse I talked to said she would call down to the lab and see what the hold up was. I sat on hold, and she came back to say that she left a message, and she would call me back if she heard anything before the end of the day. She said not to worry if I didn't hear, it just meant they didn't get it finished. I guess it was a busy day?
So this morning, I sent an email first, asking for an answer if it was available. An hour and a half later, there was nothing. Which is really weird, because Tammy is always really awesome about getting back to me right away. So I called. (Tammy isn't in the office today!) She looked it up, and ... sounded like she was trying to hold back from saying anything. She asked too if I had any bleeding or anything. I started to panic. My thoughts were racing - even though it's only 5 weeks, I can not lose this baby. I'm too attached already. It can't happen to me.... Well, she looked at the results from last Friday, for a reference (it was 1893, by the way), and then told me that the new result from yesterday was 8587. HUGE INCREASE!! So here I am thinking that everything is fine, but she says that she wants to run it by the other doctor in the office. And I asked, "Does that mean there is something else to worry about, or something else going on?" She said no, she just wants to have a doctor looked at it and see what comes next.
See, I hate when I have to deal with people who are not my regular OB (Dr. Jayne) or the regular nurse I deal with (Tammy). Tammy is awesome, and is very upfront with me. She tells me exactly everything. Dr. Jayne will tell me that I have nothing to worry about - when the ultrasound tech told me about the extra fluid with Casper, I was scared spitless. But Dr. Jayne said it was a negligible amount over normal, and she would look into what to do and handle everything. She knows how to calm me down, unless there is something to really worry about. I know she cares, and I know she knows ME.
Ugh. So needless to say, more waiting. Who knows what kind of answers they are going to give me. I want to see Dr. Jayne. I want to get HER opinion, and hear what SHE says about everything! Why can't things work the way I want them to? These other people cause me unneeded amounts of stress (mostly because they don't know the whole situation, and what it means to have a rainbow baby....) and I do not want to deal with them!!!
*sigh*
UPDATE!!! I heard back from the clinic. The nurse talked to the physician's assistance, who said everything looks great, and the next step is the early ultrasound! She wants to wait until next week, since 6 weeks is the earliest they want to do an ultrasound. As it is, not much will be visible, but it's a start!!!
So anyway, I went in early so I could make sure I got the results back same day. I don't like waiting. I know patience is a virtue, but I am not virtuous. I know it, and I don't care. Well, I called at 3, and there was no result. That would have given them about 2 hours to process. I called again at 4:30, and there was still no result. The nurse I talked to said she would call down to the lab and see what the hold up was. I sat on hold, and she came back to say that she left a message, and she would call me back if she heard anything before the end of the day. She said not to worry if I didn't hear, it just meant they didn't get it finished. I guess it was a busy day?
So this morning, I sent an email first, asking for an answer if it was available. An hour and a half later, there was nothing. Which is really weird, because Tammy is always really awesome about getting back to me right away. So I called. (Tammy isn't in the office today!) She looked it up, and ... sounded like she was trying to hold back from saying anything. She asked too if I had any bleeding or anything. I started to panic. My thoughts were racing - even though it's only 5 weeks, I can not lose this baby. I'm too attached already. It can't happen to me.... Well, she looked at the results from last Friday, for a reference (it was 1893, by the way), and then told me that the new result from yesterday was 8587. HUGE INCREASE!! So here I am thinking that everything is fine, but she says that she wants to run it by the other doctor in the office. And I asked, "Does that mean there is something else to worry about, or something else going on?" She said no, she just wants to have a doctor looked at it and see what comes next.
See, I hate when I have to deal with people who are not my regular OB (Dr. Jayne) or the regular nurse I deal with (Tammy). Tammy is awesome, and is very upfront with me. She tells me exactly everything. Dr. Jayne will tell me that I have nothing to worry about - when the ultrasound tech told me about the extra fluid with Casper, I was scared spitless. But Dr. Jayne said it was a negligible amount over normal, and she would look into what to do and handle everything. She knows how to calm me down, unless there is something to really worry about. I know she cares, and I know she knows ME.
Ugh. So needless to say, more waiting. Who knows what kind of answers they are going to give me. I want to see Dr. Jayne. I want to get HER opinion, and hear what SHE says about everything! Why can't things work the way I want them to? These other people cause me unneeded amounts of stress (mostly because they don't know the whole situation, and what it means to have a rainbow baby....) and I do not want to deal with them!!!
*sigh*
UPDATE!!! I heard back from the clinic. The nurse talked to the physician's assistance, who said everything looks great, and the next step is the early ultrasound! She wants to wait until next week, since 6 weeks is the earliest they want to do an ultrasound. As it is, not much will be visible, but it's a start!!!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Oops, I'm late.... (HAHA!)
I forgot to post yesterday with the update on my hCG results. I called around 4:30, because I hadn't heard anything.... Did you know? No one works in the OB department at the clinic in West Bend after 4 pm? Stupid..... So I got transferred over to the family practice department, and I was able to weasel out the number from a nurse over there.
Silly me, I didn't pay enough attention to the exact number, because I was just so excited to hear - but I know it was over 1800! Which means another more than double result!
Have to call my doc on Monday, and see what comes next.
Tomorrow, May 6, is International Bereaved Mother's Day. A day to honor women (and families) who have lost babies to miscarriage, still birth, death, and infertility as well. I have been so lucky to have met some amazing women who are suffering the loss of their own child or children. We cry together, share together, grieve together. Without their support, I don't think I could handle any of the emotions I've been dealing with.
(well, that's not true. I have some amazing friends and family as well who have been rocks for me. they have been so caring and supportive.)
So tomorrow will be a day of tears and sadness. Much like every day, but with a spot light on this day around the world. If you believe, say a prayer for anyone you know who has lost a child, or the promise of a child. If you don't pray, make sure your friends know that you support them and you're there for them. Remember their child, don't shy away from talking about that child. What we want most is to know that we aren't the only ones who remember and love our child.
Our child may never be in our arms again, but they will never leave our hearts.
Ok, I'm going to go cry a bit now. More updates on Monday.
Jenna
Silly me, I didn't pay enough attention to the exact number, because I was just so excited to hear - but I know it was over 1800! Which means another more than double result!
Have to call my doc on Monday, and see what comes next.
Tomorrow, May 6, is International Bereaved Mother's Day. A day to honor women (and families) who have lost babies to miscarriage, still birth, death, and infertility as well. I have been so lucky to have met some amazing women who are suffering the loss of their own child or children. We cry together, share together, grieve together. Without their support, I don't think I could handle any of the emotions I've been dealing with.
(well, that's not true. I have some amazing friends and family as well who have been rocks for me. they have been so caring and supportive.)
So tomorrow will be a day of tears and sadness. Much like every day, but with a spot light on this day around the world. If you believe, say a prayer for anyone you know who has lost a child, or the promise of a child. If you don't pray, make sure your friends know that you support them and you're there for them. Remember their child, don't shy away from talking about that child. What we want most is to know that we aren't the only ones who remember and love our child.
Our child may never be in our arms again, but they will never leave our hearts.
Ok, I'm going to go cry a bit now. More updates on Monday.
Jenna
Thursday, May 3, 2012
feelings
I have an obsession with finding and posting pictures. My other facebook page, not my personal one, is a page devoted to pictures - mostly offensive, but funny and disturbing and goofy and whatever.
Today, this is what applies to me the most.
Results!
So I called the clinic this morning, and as I was on hold, I get call waiting.... from the clinic! My OB's nurse was calling with some test results for me.
The hCG, which was 267 on Monday and should be doubled 48 hours later, was up to 825! She said that was fantastic. Need to go back on Friday as well, to test again, and make sure they are still rising. (ok by me!)
Like with every pregnancy in the past, I have a UTI. Ugh... This is how I know I'm pregnant, because I always get one when I am.
This morning I had a little spotting. I know they say that when implantation occurs, that can happen. Blood always scares me. Of course, my lil Bear kicked me in the gut in her sleep last night, and I don't know if that would make a difference. But who knows.
Just doing a little research, implantation usually occurs 7 to 10 days after ovulation. So that would be way off for causing this spotting. (curses, why do I have to investigate this crap and give my mind more things to worry about?!?!)
I told myself from the beginning that I was going to remain positive about everything, so no more brain freak!
I'm officially at 4 weeks and 4 days. I'm going to try and remember to post the progress like that every time.
Today is my oldest daughter's 11th birthday. She's such an amazing girl, and everything I have been through with her reminds that I need to keep fighting. No matter what stands in my way, I need to fight til the end. (I love you Miss Kaylie bug!)
☆★
Jenna
The hCG, which was 267 on Monday and should be doubled 48 hours later, was up to 825! She said that was fantastic. Need to go back on Friday as well, to test again, and make sure they are still rising. (ok by me!)
Like with every pregnancy in the past, I have a UTI. Ugh... This is how I know I'm pregnant, because I always get one when I am.
This morning I had a little spotting. I know they say that when implantation occurs, that can happen. Blood always scares me. Of course, my lil Bear kicked me in the gut in her sleep last night, and I don't know if that would make a difference. But who knows.
Just doing a little research, implantation usually occurs 7 to 10 days after ovulation. So that would be way off for causing this spotting. (curses, why do I have to investigate this crap and give my mind more things to worry about?!?!)
I told myself from the beginning that I was going to remain positive about everything, so no more brain freak!
I'm officially at 4 weeks and 4 days. I'm going to try and remember to post the progress like that every time.
Today is my oldest daughter's 11th birthday. She's such an amazing girl, and everything I have been through with her reminds that I need to keep fighting. No matter what stands in my way, I need to fight til the end. (I love you Miss Kaylie bug!)
☆★
Jenna
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Boo.
I went today for more blood work. They wanted to check the numbers again to make sure everything is rising like it should. The nurse I spoke to yesterday said "Try and get there at the same time as you did the first day." Well, that didn't happen. I was about 2 hours later. I missed the noon currier to the other clinic, so the stuff wasn't send until 3:30. Apparently everyone in West Bend leaves work early, because when I called at 4:30, there was nothing done and no one there. And the nurse requested the results normal, not stat.
Do these people not understand the way my life works? There is no waiting. I do not like waiting. I want to know NOW. There is no reason that they couldn't just do whatever it is that they do, and get me my results. It is medically necessary for my mental health NOT to be made to wait for things like this. My stupid brain does things like poison my thoughts with the idea that they actually have the results, but just don't want to be the ones to deliver the bad news. (yes, i know that's ridiculous, but that's just the way my brain works.)
*sigh*
So there will be updates tomorrow.
Do these people not understand the way my life works? There is no waiting. I do not like waiting. I want to know NOW. There is no reason that they couldn't just do whatever it is that they do, and get me my results. It is medically necessary for my mental health NOT to be made to wait for things like this. My stupid brain does things like poison my thoughts with the idea that they actually have the results, but just don't want to be the ones to deliver the bad news. (yes, i know that's ridiculous, but that's just the way my brain works.)
*sigh*
So there will be updates tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
And now.... Now.
So on April 1 (april fools day, which is the day I likely conceived Casper last year), 2012 I started my cycle, and made the decision that I was getting pregnant again. I had waited long enough, and I couldn't wait a minute longer. If the choice were mine, I would have been 9 months pregnant at that exact moment.... Sadly, life isn't that advanced quite yet.
(I read Robert Heinlein novels, and I swear that man was brilliant before his time. Some day I hope the world makes it to the way he envisioned it!)
So I used an app on my phone to calculate the days, got an ovulation kit to start testing when the app said it was time, and prepared to get myself knocked up.
Well, this past weekend I tested 3 different times. All 3 tests were very faint.... but positive! I called my doctor first thing Monday and went in for blood tests. My hcg test was 267, and that's pretty normal. But she wants me to come back in 48 hours (which is tomorrow) for another test to see if the numbers are rising. (Should be about double that number) Today I heard that the progesterone numbers were also normal.
I got the results of my a1c, which is a comprehensive look at my blood sugars for the last 3 months (I have no idea how they do that with one prick for blood, but I'm no doctor). Everything was normal with that. But it was also before I tested positive for pregnancy. So I might have to do it again.
I have also been testing my blood after eating. Well, I did it one day. Numbers are kinda of all over the place. But I know I'm not eating right, and I just have too much going on that distracts me from the stupid machine. Right now I'm not worried about it, I know I have to deal with it sooner or later and I'm just trying to do my best. I know when I eat bad, I need to be physically active, and that I can handle.
As soon as the results come back for the hormone test tomorrow, my doctor is going to schedule me for an early ultrasound. Which I have to say I'm really excited for. I'm anxious to see this little one already. I know it's not a perfect picture, and won't tell me if anything bad will happen..... but ... I don't know, I can't explain. I just know each little step along the way will be a little stress pressure on my nerves.
So until tomorrow....
☆★
Jenna
(I read Robert Heinlein novels, and I swear that man was brilliant before his time. Some day I hope the world makes it to the way he envisioned it!)
So I used an app on my phone to calculate the days, got an ovulation kit to start testing when the app said it was time, and prepared to get myself knocked up.
Well, this past weekend I tested 3 different times. All 3 tests were very faint.... but positive! I called my doctor first thing Monday and went in for blood tests. My hcg test was 267, and that's pretty normal. But she wants me to come back in 48 hours (which is tomorrow) for another test to see if the numbers are rising. (Should be about double that number) Today I heard that the progesterone numbers were also normal.
I got the results of my a1c, which is a comprehensive look at my blood sugars for the last 3 months (I have no idea how they do that with one prick for blood, but I'm no doctor). Everything was normal with that. But it was also before I tested positive for pregnancy. So I might have to do it again.
I have also been testing my blood after eating. Well, I did it one day. Numbers are kinda of all over the place. But I know I'm not eating right, and I just have too much going on that distracts me from the stupid machine. Right now I'm not worried about it, I know I have to deal with it sooner or later and I'm just trying to do my best. I know when I eat bad, I need to be physically active, and that I can handle.
As soon as the results come back for the hormone test tomorrow, my doctor is going to schedule me for an early ultrasound. Which I have to say I'm really excited for. I'm anxious to see this little one already. I know it's not a perfect picture, and won't tell me if anything bad will happen..... but ... I don't know, I can't explain. I just know each little step along the way will be a little stress pressure on my nerves.
So until tomorrow....
☆★
Jenna
Casper's Arrival (written 11/5/11)
On Thursday, November 3, 2011 my heart was shattered. I went in for a regular doctor's checkup,
hoping to convince my doctor that I couldn't handle the diabetic issues and
that I wanted the baby delivered as soon as possible. The Monday just passed I had started testing
my blood sugar regularly and attempting to change my diet. We were made aware of the potential diabetic
situation after a follow-up ultrasound showed too much amniotic fluid, and a
second blood sugar test showed a dangerous spike.
I did what I could – I stopped eating candy, didn’t have any
soda, curbed my junk food intake. I
thought I was doing the right things.
But apparently everything turns into sugar and my blood sugar numbers
were still too high. They wanted to
schedule meetings and teach me what to eat, they talked about insulin, and my
stress level just kept rising. I was
afraid to eat – afraid I would hurt my baby.
I cried every time I took my blood sugar, knowing that my numbers were
not going to be right.
So I was apprehensive about my appointment with the doctor,
even though it was a regular check and Jay convinced me that I should just tell
her we wanted Casper
born. That would be the safest thing for
him. Doctor Jayne understood my
predicament – don’t have the right foods, can’t afford the right foods. Her answer was a simple, “Let’s add some
insulin.” She said she would keep an eye
on me more closely, and that everything would be fine.
The next step in the appointment was to listen to his
heartbeat. I looked forward to that
moment every single time I stepped in that office. It was a confirmation that he was in there
and he was healthy, and that we would be together soon. But Dr. Jayne was having a hard time finding
his heart with the monitor. She was
calm, though, and said she would bring in the ultrasound machine. We knew his head was down, and that he was
facing my back – his spine was facing up.
As she was getting the ultrasound machine ready, I started
feeling a sense of dread. I started
thinking about the fact that I hadn’t really felt him move – when was the last
time he kicked or squirmed. Dr. Jayne
looked and moved and pushed the monitor all over. Nothing.
She asked me when the last time I felt him move was, and I started
crying. I couldn’t remember. I had been busy much of the morning, running
errands, worrying about things. She
tried to calm me down, told me that machine wasn’t very accurate. She said she would rush me to West Bend for a more
thorough ultrasound. She asked me if I
knew what she was concerned about, and of course I did. That something was wrong.
She left the room, and I lost it. I was begging him to be safe, not to leave
me. I tried to calm myself down and tell
myself that the machine was wrong, or just couldn’t get to the right
place. I desperately begged my baby boy
to stay with me, because I needed him.
She came back and told me that she was doing everything she
could to get me in. She asked about me
getting to the clinic, and I told her I had my dad’s car. I called Jay and let him know. All I told him was that they couldn’t hear Casper . He told me he would be there as soon as
possible. Dr. Jayne came in again and
told me she was arguing with the clinic, not wanting to make me wait any time
to get in and see what was going on.
I got in the car and headed over the clinic in West Bend . I called Jay and told him where to go. He told me he was moving as fast as he could,
and I could hear in his voice that he was trying to hold it together. Which tore apart my self-control. So I called the only person I knew who could
help… I called my chica. I told her what had happened, and of course
she tried to stay positive. She told me
not to panic, not to lose hope. She said
it could be a fluke. We caught up on the
goings-on of the past month or so, as we both had been too busy to keep each
other updated. She kept on the phone
with me all the way until I got to the clinic, and I walked in feeling a little
hope.
I checked myself in, heard that the appointment was set for 4:30
(it was only 3 or so), and went down to the radiology department. As I checked in there, I started to lose it
again. The receptionists knew why I was
there, and asked me if I wanted a private room to wait in. I said yes, told them that Jay was coming
shortly. I sat down in a closed off area
and started sobbing. A few minutes later
Jay came, and when I told him how long we were supposed to wait, he went to
talk to the receptionists. They told him
no, they were getting things ready for me right away. Another few minutes, and the radiologist tech
came back. She got right to it, and told
me the plan – she was going to get a few pictures, show the radiologist, and
then Dr. Jayne would let me know what the diagnosis was.
She told me if I had any questions to please ask, and I said
the only thing I wanted to know was if Casper
had a heartbeat. As she was taking the
pictures, I was watching on the screen.
I saw nothing moving. I kept
searching and watching, silently begging to see something – anything. She took a sound recording, and I could see
that there was nothing there. All of his
other parts were there, and fine. But
there was no heartbeat. Nothing. She told me when she was finished, and I responded,
“There is no heartbeat, is there?” She said
no, and Jay and I both fell apart.
It was my worst nightmare.
The most devastating and heart wrenching response.
She left the room, and came back a few minutes later to tell
us that Dr. Jayne would be calling.
Seconds later, the phone rang and Jay answered. She confirmed the situation, and said we
needed to head to the hospital. She said
she would call ahead, and as soon as her appointments were finished for the day
she would be there. She was
shocked. She was also hurting for us. Her diagnosis was that the blood sugar issue
wasn’t caught early enough, and the drastic variances in my blood sugars were
too much for Casper
to handle.
The hospital had no idea why I was there – thought I was
coming for the ultrasound. The computer
wasn’t updated, but apparently they figured out and knew where to send me. We went upstairs, found our room, and the
beginning of the end was happening. Dad
and Linda came to the hospital, Jay went home to tend to the kids. I was prepped, poked, and emotionally numb. But aching all the same. As much as I knew there was no mistake, I
kept believing I would feel him start to move.
Dr. Jayne came while Jay was gone. Dad and Linda went out in the hall so she
could check me. She told me what the
plan was – she would give me a drug that would begin to induce. She wasn’t on call that night, but had told
the on-call doctor that she would take care of me. She assumed that labor would begin around 2
in the morning. She said that if Jay had
any questions when he came back that the nurse could call and she would call
back to tell Jay anything he needed. I
wanted to wait for the medication until Jay came. Jay showed up shortly after, and everything
was explained to him. Dad and Linda said
their goodbyes, offered sympathy and love, said to call if we needed
anything.
I got an IV started.
They took blood samples for testing.
They gave me an epidural, which was a new experience for me. I’ve never had time for medication
before. It was painful, but the
anesthesiologist was amazing. It made me
itchy, the nurse made me wear messaging boots so there wouldn’t be blood
clots. Contractions started coming, and
then they gave me the numbing injection.
The contractions lessened. I
dozed off and on, the nurse came and checked my vitals and such.
I got a catheter, which I never felt courtesy of the
epidural. The nurse checked, I was
getting ready slowly but surely. I got
another dose of the inducing medication.
I started feeling more contractions, and got more of the numbing
medication. Around 1 in the morning, I
crashed out. I don’t think I dreamed, I
don’t remember feeling anything or even thinking anything. I know she came and checked me.
Around 6 am, I started feeling back pain. It was intense. After several hours of relative quiet, things
had built up incredibly. The nurse
called Dr. Jayne, and for the anesthesiologist.
But the pain and contractions just kept coming. I tried to move and change positions, which
worked for a short time. The pain in my
back was excruciating, and multiplying with each contraction. There was pressure, but no urge to push. Dr. Jayne made it with seconds to spare. It was clear to me at that moment that the
time had come – Casper
was coming. As I was crying and moaning
in pain, breathing and trying to control my responses, I began to feel the
devastation again. I knew my little boy
was almost here, but that he was already gone.
I tried to remind myself that there would be no little first cry; that
he wouldn’t breathe, he wouldn’t nurse, he wouldn’t do anything…. I wanted to quit, give up. But it was too late, he was almost
there.
After he crowned and his head was out, I could tell there
was a change in the room. Labor almost
stopped, there was some kind of activity going on, but I was in another place. I finished delivering, and Dr. Jayne asked
Jay to come down by her. I remember
feeling so empty and just sick. Casper was beautiful she
said. He was perfect. But the umbilical cord was wrapped around his
neck so tight that the doctor had to cut it off of him. There was also a knot tied into the cord in
another spot. He had no chance. The diabetes didn’t make him sick, but caused
the extra fluid which allowed him to move around too much and he got himself
tangled up.
Everyone told me not to feel guilty, that it was a complete
fluke. Dr. Jayne said in her 10 years of
delivering babies, she had never lost a baby so late in the pregnancy, and even
though it happened, never had a baby tangled up. She was clearly upset. She told us again that he was perfect, and
that she didn’t need to do any follow up testing. It was obvious what has caused him to pass
away… She told us again that he was
perfect in every way, and that she was so sorry for us.
They wrapped him up and handing him to me to hold. Some part of me was still expecting that
there was a mistake, that he wasn’t gone, that he would look at me or move or
something…. He was so beautiful. Absolutely perfect. I had thought I would have a problem with
holding him, and loving him, but I felt no different – this was my baby
boy. I felt his spirit still there, and
I knew he was slipping away. Jay and I
held him and cried together.
We kissed him and talked to him, told him how perfect he was
and how much we loved him. We both said
he looked so much like Wynter when she was born. He had beautiful dark hair, and chubby little
cheeks. He looked like an angel….
I know the placenta was delivered shortly after, and I
remember Dr. Jayne saying it looked a little wrong. She figured with the problems with the cord,
it wasn’t working correctly or something.
There were no tears or rips on me, the delivery went very well. I don’t remember much, because I was lost in Casper ’s face.
We spent some time with him, called Dad and told him the
baby was delivered. They had offered to
go get the kids and bring them to the hospital.
We kept Casper
with us the whole time. He was cleaned
up a little – his skin was very thin and fragile. Parts were already starting to tear. He got a little outfit, and a hat, and we
wrapped in the blanket that his Auntie Vito sent. We took pictures, and loved him some more.
Dad and Linda came with the kids, and they all got a chance
to see and hold him. We got more
pictures. The kids were hesitant at
first, but they showed him the love that they had grown for him.
We told Wynter that Casper
was an angel now, and she seemed to grasp that.
She made a comment about him not being able to open his eyes, and I said
no because he was an angel now. She
didn’t want to give him a kiss or anything, but I don’t think she truly
understood.
The kids were all a little antsy. Derek wanted to go back to school because of
a test, and Kaylie was ready to go by her dad.
None of the kids slept very well, and I think they were a little
lost. So Dad and Linda took them home
and said goodbye.
It was so hard… When
Jay would hold him, I kept wanting to ask if Casper was ok, if he had done anything, if he
needed anything. I knew in my head that
it was only Casper ’s
“shell”, that his spirit wasn’t there anymore.
But in my heart, I couldn’t accept it – no, I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how… His nose would leak a little fluid, his mouth
would fall open, we had to prop him with a blanket so that he didn’t look wrong. His skin was red and flakey looking, his lips
were a dark blood red. His eyes were
caked shut. But all I saw was a
beautiful little boy that I wanted so much to be what I was waiting for.
I took a nap with him, and was peaceful. I expected a bad dream, or to wake up in a
nightmare. I thought I would wake up
disoriented, or oblivious and shocked all over again. While I slept, Jay went home for awhile and
took Mike and Wynter to Wal-Mart, he knew that Wynter needed some time and to
know that daddy and mommy were still there.
Wynter was heartsick at the idea of him leaving again and not bringing
her with – she said she needed to go to the hospital so she could take care of
Mommy. She wanted to wear her Casper coat.
After awhile, they all came back (Kaylie had been picked up
by her dad for the weekend by then). We
shared some more time with Casper ,
and finally told the nurse that it was time for him to go. We all said goodbye, and gave him his last
kisses. I thought I would have a hard
time letting him go, but it was time. I
felt it, and I knew that he was gone.
I take comfort in the fact that Grandpa Frank was waiting
for him with open arms, to take him in and welcome him with love. I know that he is watching over us, and we
all will carry him in our hearts forever.
We may have only had him for a short time, but his impact on
our lives with never be forgotten.
Even on the darkest nights, he will be our shining star…
Casper
My pregnancy with Casper was trouble from the start. At 11 weeks, I went to the emergency because I was bleeding. Not spotting, but actually bleeding. I was scared to death. I know many women have bleeding throughout their pregnancy, but not me. I figured something had to be wrong. Jay was at work, but came to the hospital to be with me. Bloodwork came back normal, the exam showed some bleeding but no reason why. So the doctor ordered an ultrasound. Having suffered a miscarriage prior to my oldest daughter being born, I was expecting the worst. But the ultrasound showed a steady beating heart, and nothing abnormal.
The bleeding tapered off, and everything was pretty great for awhile. All the testing came back normal.
At one point, I was diagnosed with a Strep B infection. I was terrified, but my doctor explained that it wouldn't be treated until labor. She said it was really nothing to worry about, just something to know.
I got my Rhogam shots, being A negative blood type. The glucose testing came back normal. (only in my pregnancy with Kaylie had I had a problem with that - the one hour test was borderline, so they gave me a 3 hour test. oh did I hate that, I wanted to barf.)
I take a lot of medication for different things, and I have always been really careful about everything related to that during pregnancy. I had 3 ultrasounds during the pregnancy all together, and all but the last one was normal. I was told I would need the last one because one of the medications I take causes growth problems, and they wanted to monitor the baby. It was during that final ultrasound that the techs noticed an abundance of amniotic fluid.
I was tested again for glucose, and the result was actually alarming. I also had sugar in my urine. I was sent to a diabetic specialist right away. I had to change my diet, watching what I ate and counting carbs, as well as testing my blood sugar several times a day. For me, that was agony. I have always been the type who eats whatever and whenever, and never had a problem. I knew with my mother having diabetes around this point in her life that I would most likely end up with it, but I never expecting such a slap in the face.
I tried so hard, but nothing seemed to make my blood sugars normal. I was always starving, and I felt like crap.
I remember clearly on Wednesday, November 2 - my stepson and his girlfriend Sara were coming to our house to stay over. It was snowing, and her car ended up breaking down. I was scared for them, and stressed out. I was cooking dinner and trying to clean up a little. I was really big by this point, and always uncomfortable. Couldn't sleep at night, because I could never find a good spot. I was stressed beyond belief about the diabetes stuff, and wondering what was going to happen at my doctor's appointment the next day. The kids ended up getting back safe, after my husband drove his car out to try and help fix the problem.
We ate dinner and after settled down to watch a movie. I laid down on the floor with my legs propped up, and I remember a sharp pain in my stomach. I had been having braxton-hicks (practice) contractions, and figured I had gotten a really strong one. I sat up and moved around, and put it out of my mind. Later that night, when we went to bed, I laid waiting for Casper to start his gymnastics. Night time was always his most active period. I was calm, the house was quiet and settled, and I absolutely loved that time with him. But on this night, there was nothing. I was achy and uncomfortable, but there was nothing going on in my belly. I told myself that because all the stress, he had worn himself out.
The next day, I was running some errands and doing grocery shopping. All morning, I was distracted and not paying attention to my body. Not that it would have mattered..... I cried to my doctor about the blood sugars and the stress of the testing and problems with eating and everything. She immediately told me not to worry about the diabetes stuff, and said she would start me taking some insulin. (She was always really good about alleviating my anxiety about things like that!) Then she got out the fetal heart rate monitor. I loved listening to Casper's tiny little heart bumping away.... but she was having a hard time finding it. She asked me about the last time I felt him moving, and I was struck dumb.... I couldn't remember. She said that sometimes the way baby was positioned made it difficult to hear a heart beat.
She went and got the ultrasound machine and hooked everything up. Again, she was having a hard time finding his heart. By this time, I was panicked. I knew something was wrong, but I never would have expected that he was gone.... My doc called the bigger clinic and scheduled me right away for a better ultrasound. I was sobbing, because I knew.... I was screaming and begging and pleading for there to be a mistake, I just couldn't face this.... I called my husband and he fell apart, but made arrangements to get off work and meet me at the other clinic. I had to drive myself the 20 minutes to the other clinic by myself, because the kids were home with Wynter and no one else was around.
On the way, I called my best friend. I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me that 20 minutes. She talked to me and calmed me down, and she actually gave me hope. I was able to make the drive without being hysterical and crashing my car. I walked into the clinic believing again that there was some mistake and that everything might be ok... I went down to the ultrasound center, and was taking to a private waiting space. Then I started to fall apart again. I still hadn't felt him move, and I starting begging again for him to not leave me. I told him how much I needed him and that I couldn't lose my baby boy.
My husband showed up, we cried together for a few minutes, and then were taken back to the ultrasound room. The tech who was there was so sweet and calm. She got me hooked up right away and talked me through everything. But I was focused on the machine and desperately searching for any sign of my boy. There was nothing. No movement. No heart. I saw her doing a sound recording, and there was nothing.... She said she had to call my doctor, and I said, "there's nothing there, is there?" She lowered her eyes, looked back at me with the saddest face, and said, "I'm sorry, there isn't." Once again, I just fell apart. My heart was broken, and I knew it was over.
The doctor told us to head over to the hospital, and that she would get there as soon as possible. She told my husband that she was just heart broken.
Oh, I have to stop. This has been harder than I thought. I wrote a letter kind of thing a day or two after coming home the hospital, that says some of this and then so much more. I'm going to copy and paste that into the blog, because I don't think I can go through it again.
☆★
Jenna
The bleeding tapered off, and everything was pretty great for awhile. All the testing came back normal.
At one point, I was diagnosed with a Strep B infection. I was terrified, but my doctor explained that it wouldn't be treated until labor. She said it was really nothing to worry about, just something to know.
I got my Rhogam shots, being A negative blood type. The glucose testing came back normal. (only in my pregnancy with Kaylie had I had a problem with that - the one hour test was borderline, so they gave me a 3 hour test. oh did I hate that, I wanted to barf.)
I take a lot of medication for different things, and I have always been really careful about everything related to that during pregnancy. I had 3 ultrasounds during the pregnancy all together, and all but the last one was normal. I was told I would need the last one because one of the medications I take causes growth problems, and they wanted to monitor the baby. It was during that final ultrasound that the techs noticed an abundance of amniotic fluid.
I was tested again for glucose, and the result was actually alarming. I also had sugar in my urine. I was sent to a diabetic specialist right away. I had to change my diet, watching what I ate and counting carbs, as well as testing my blood sugar several times a day. For me, that was agony. I have always been the type who eats whatever and whenever, and never had a problem. I knew with my mother having diabetes around this point in her life that I would most likely end up with it, but I never expecting such a slap in the face.
I tried so hard, but nothing seemed to make my blood sugars normal. I was always starving, and I felt like crap.
I remember clearly on Wednesday, November 2 - my stepson and his girlfriend Sara were coming to our house to stay over. It was snowing, and her car ended up breaking down. I was scared for them, and stressed out. I was cooking dinner and trying to clean up a little. I was really big by this point, and always uncomfortable. Couldn't sleep at night, because I could never find a good spot. I was stressed beyond belief about the diabetes stuff, and wondering what was going to happen at my doctor's appointment the next day. The kids ended up getting back safe, after my husband drove his car out to try and help fix the problem.
We ate dinner and after settled down to watch a movie. I laid down on the floor with my legs propped up, and I remember a sharp pain in my stomach. I had been having braxton-hicks (practice) contractions, and figured I had gotten a really strong one. I sat up and moved around, and put it out of my mind. Later that night, when we went to bed, I laid waiting for Casper to start his gymnastics. Night time was always his most active period. I was calm, the house was quiet and settled, and I absolutely loved that time with him. But on this night, there was nothing. I was achy and uncomfortable, but there was nothing going on in my belly. I told myself that because all the stress, he had worn himself out.
The next day, I was running some errands and doing grocery shopping. All morning, I was distracted and not paying attention to my body. Not that it would have mattered..... I cried to my doctor about the blood sugars and the stress of the testing and problems with eating and everything. She immediately told me not to worry about the diabetes stuff, and said she would start me taking some insulin. (She was always really good about alleviating my anxiety about things like that!) Then she got out the fetal heart rate monitor. I loved listening to Casper's tiny little heart bumping away.... but she was having a hard time finding it. She asked me about the last time I felt him moving, and I was struck dumb.... I couldn't remember. She said that sometimes the way baby was positioned made it difficult to hear a heart beat.
She went and got the ultrasound machine and hooked everything up. Again, she was having a hard time finding his heart. By this time, I was panicked. I knew something was wrong, but I never would have expected that he was gone.... My doc called the bigger clinic and scheduled me right away for a better ultrasound. I was sobbing, because I knew.... I was screaming and begging and pleading for there to be a mistake, I just couldn't face this.... I called my husband and he fell apart, but made arrangements to get off work and meet me at the other clinic. I had to drive myself the 20 minutes to the other clinic by myself, because the kids were home with Wynter and no one else was around.
On the way, I called my best friend. I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me that 20 minutes. She talked to me and calmed me down, and she actually gave me hope. I was able to make the drive without being hysterical and crashing my car. I walked into the clinic believing again that there was some mistake and that everything might be ok... I went down to the ultrasound center, and was taking to a private waiting space. Then I started to fall apart again. I still hadn't felt him move, and I starting begging again for him to not leave me. I told him how much I needed him and that I couldn't lose my baby boy.
My husband showed up, we cried together for a few minutes, and then were taken back to the ultrasound room. The tech who was there was so sweet and calm. She got me hooked up right away and talked me through everything. But I was focused on the machine and desperately searching for any sign of my boy. There was nothing. No movement. No heart. I saw her doing a sound recording, and there was nothing.... She said she had to call my doctor, and I said, "there's nothing there, is there?" She lowered her eyes, looked back at me with the saddest face, and said, "I'm sorry, there isn't." Once again, I just fell apart. My heart was broken, and I knew it was over.
The doctor told us to head over to the hospital, and that she would get there as soon as possible. She told my husband that she was just heart broken.
Oh, I have to stop. This has been harder than I thought. I wrote a letter kind of thing a day or two after coming home the hospital, that says some of this and then so much more. I'm going to copy and paste that into the blog, because I don't think I can go through it again.
☆★
Jenna
A little biographical information
I figured it might be nice to share with everyone who we are and where we come from and what we're all about. Obviously most of my family and friends know this information, but not everyone knows everything.
My husband Jay and I have been married since June 4, 2005. We met on a silly "dating" website called Hot or Not. He brought 4 children into the family from his first marriage - Brad, Mike, Nikita and Derek. I had a daughter of my own from my first marriage, Kaylie. The first couple years of our marriage were ... interesting, so say the least! It took awhile for everyone to adjust to the new family dynamic, to learn all about each other, and find our places.
In April of 2008, our first child together was born. Wynter Raine Olson was born on April 10, in Watertown WI. My pregnancy was fairly normal. I was horribly sick for much of the time. At about 30 weeks, I got badly dehydrated, started having cramps as I was picking up the 2 girls from school, and rushed ourselves to the hospital. They fixed me up, and she was left where she was. We moved about 2 weeks before she was born, and I was desperately hoping that would knock her out of me, but no such luck. However, when she was ready, there was no stopping her! I woke up at 5:30 with contractions, we got to the hospital at 5:55, and she was born at 6:05!
We had our hands full with her for the first 3 years. She is full of energy and sassy (like her mommy, is what her dad would say). Her big sister Nikita was like a second mother to her, until she moved to Texas. When her youngest big brother Derek moved in with Jay and I, he taught her lots of fun but naughty stuff. They play fight together and jump around like loonies, and play rough and tumble. But the love is undeniable.
Last year, 2011, I decided that since my baby Bear (Wynter's nickname is Bear, Pooh Bear, and many variations of those) was not such a baby anymore, that I wanted to try for another baby. Jay and I talked about it, and he felt the same. I had hoped for a boy, since I already had 2 girls - but like every pregnancy, I knew either one would be a blessing.
See, I was one of those kids that knew being a mom was everything I wanted to do with my life. I had dreams of being a therapist or maybe a teacher, but more than anything in the world I wanted to have lots and lots of kids. I knew my first marriage wasn't meant to accommodate that goal, though. When I met Jay, and learned that he loved kids as much as me (well, maybe not AS much, but that's debatable), I knew everything would work out.
My husband Jay and I have been married since June 4, 2005. We met on a silly "dating" website called Hot or Not. He brought 4 children into the family from his first marriage - Brad, Mike, Nikita and Derek. I had a daughter of my own from my first marriage, Kaylie. The first couple years of our marriage were ... interesting, so say the least! It took awhile for everyone to adjust to the new family dynamic, to learn all about each other, and find our places.
In April of 2008, our first child together was born. Wynter Raine Olson was born on April 10, in Watertown WI. My pregnancy was fairly normal. I was horribly sick for much of the time. At about 30 weeks, I got badly dehydrated, started having cramps as I was picking up the 2 girls from school, and rushed ourselves to the hospital. They fixed me up, and she was left where she was. We moved about 2 weeks before she was born, and I was desperately hoping that would knock her out of me, but no such luck. However, when she was ready, there was no stopping her! I woke up at 5:30 with contractions, we got to the hospital at 5:55, and she was born at 6:05!
We had our hands full with her for the first 3 years. She is full of energy and sassy (like her mommy, is what her dad would say). Her big sister Nikita was like a second mother to her, until she moved to Texas. When her youngest big brother Derek moved in with Jay and I, he taught her lots of fun but naughty stuff. They play fight together and jump around like loonies, and play rough and tumble. But the love is undeniable.
Last year, 2011, I decided that since my baby Bear (Wynter's nickname is Bear, Pooh Bear, and many variations of those) was not such a baby anymore, that I wanted to try for another baby. Jay and I talked about it, and he felt the same. I had hoped for a boy, since I already had 2 girls - but like every pregnancy, I knew either one would be a blessing.
See, I was one of those kids that knew being a mom was everything I wanted to do with my life. I had dreams of being a therapist or maybe a teacher, but more than anything in the world I wanted to have lots and lots of kids. I knew my first marriage wasn't meant to accommodate that goal, though. When I met Jay, and learned that he loved kids as much as me (well, maybe not AS much, but that's debatable), I knew everything would work out.
Introduction
Hi and Welcome! This is my attempt to keep a journal and keep everyone updated on the process of our rainbow baby.
For those of you who do not know what a rainbow baby is, the concept of a rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it does mean is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds.
On November 3, 2011 we learned that our baby Casper no longer had a heartbeat. I was admitted to the hospital and he was delivered the next morning. He was delivered with the umbilical cord tightly wrapped around his neck, so that it had to be cut to be removed. There was also a true knot in the cord in a different spot, and the placenta showed signs of trauma. The extra fluid caused by gestational diabetes allowed my little guy to squirm and twist himself all up.
Just about 5 months later, with the encouragement and support of my obstetrician, we planned to get pregnant again, and it appears to have been a success! We are very excited, as well as scared witless.
My intention of the blog is to have something to show this child when he or she grows up, so s/he knows how much we went through, and so the rest of the family and our friends can know as well. There will be laughter, tears, joy and pain. I am desperately holding on the hope that we have been through enough bad stuff so that this baby will come to know us the way we will know him or her.
Losing Casper was the most devastating and painful experience of our lives. I thought the miscarriage I had before my first live birth was something I would never get over. It was difficult to get through, but all means, but it didn't stop me from living.
Without my husband and our wonderful children, without the support of amazing friends and family, I would have never made it through losing Casper. He spent 33 weeks in my belly, and has forever changed my life. I still ache every day with how I miss him and wish he was here in my arms. Nothing will ever replace him, and he will always be a part of our family and our lives.
SO anyway, here we go. I'll do my best to explain as much as possible for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about. Please feel free to ask any questions! I'm not very adventurous with computers, so I apologize if things look weird or anything. I have no idea what I'm doing.... I'll add pictures, and share quotes, probably reminisce a lot and cry. I can't promise this will be exciting, but I'll do my best.
And here we go!
☆★
Jenna
For those of you who do not know what a rainbow baby is, the concept of a rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it does mean is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds.
On November 3, 2011 we learned that our baby Casper no longer had a heartbeat. I was admitted to the hospital and he was delivered the next morning. He was delivered with the umbilical cord tightly wrapped around his neck, so that it had to be cut to be removed. There was also a true knot in the cord in a different spot, and the placenta showed signs of trauma. The extra fluid caused by gestational diabetes allowed my little guy to squirm and twist himself all up.
Just about 5 months later, with the encouragement and support of my obstetrician, we planned to get pregnant again, and it appears to have been a success! We are very excited, as well as scared witless.
My intention of the blog is to have something to show this child when he or she grows up, so s/he knows how much we went through, and so the rest of the family and our friends can know as well. There will be laughter, tears, joy and pain. I am desperately holding on the hope that we have been through enough bad stuff so that this baby will come to know us the way we will know him or her.
Losing Casper was the most devastating and painful experience of our lives. I thought the miscarriage I had before my first live birth was something I would never get over. It was difficult to get through, but all means, but it didn't stop me from living.
Without my husband and our wonderful children, without the support of amazing friends and family, I would have never made it through losing Casper. He spent 33 weeks in my belly, and has forever changed my life. I still ache every day with how I miss him and wish he was here in my arms. Nothing will ever replace him, and he will always be a part of our family and our lives.
SO anyway, here we go. I'll do my best to explain as much as possible for anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about. Please feel free to ask any questions! I'm not very adventurous with computers, so I apologize if things look weird or anything. I have no idea what I'm doing.... I'll add pictures, and share quotes, probably reminisce a lot and cry. I can't promise this will be exciting, but I'll do my best.
And here we go!
☆★
Jenna
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