I realized after a posting in my baby loss group on Facebook that I haven't been here and updated things in just about forever. In fact, it's been so long that I actually had to go back and read through to see where I last left off. So much has happened since then......
To update the gestational diabetes situation, it's such a hassle. As soon as I get things under control, it all changes. I have been trying so hard to keep things under control, I have been literally starving for the last 2 months..... I love food. I always have. I love to eat. Good mood or bad, I just want to eat. Can't do that anymore. The things I enjoy eating aren't good for me or my body right now. Trying to eat the right balance of things from a nutritious standpoint isn't working either.
2 major things happened since I last posted, in terms of the pregnancy.
We went on vacation to see my stepson graduate from the Air Force officer training school. We drove down to Alabama, and then over to Florida to their new station. The drive home took 24 hours. I ended up with a blood clot in my left leg. A combination of the pregnancy and longs hours not moving around enough. My feet and ankles were swollen like the Marshmallow man, and I ended up going in to the ER. So now I have been injecting myself with Lovenox twice a day, which will continue until the baby is born and then I have to take oral medication. Total treatment time is 6 months. They did all kinds of bloodwork, and I do not have any clotting or blood disorders, so that is the good news. (meaning I won't likely have another clot)
The other thing was going into pre-term labor. I have been having weekly non stress tests (NST) *1 since about 31 weeks. The first one, Soren's heart beat dropped a couple times, and Dr. Jayne wanted to investigate further. So I was sent to a different clinic where they did a biophysical profile *2 . Everything there showed up fine, except his lungs were not working - which the tech did say was somewhat common at only 31 weeks. I assumed I was fine, and going home. But Nurse Tammy called as I was driving and said that even though all looked fine, Dr Jayne wanted me to head to the hospital and sit on the monitor for a couple hours, just to see if everything was stable. Well, after being admitted I ended up going into pre-term labor. Because I was only 31 weeks, and St Joe's isn't prepared to handle a baby that early, I was rushed over to Children's Hospital (where my husband works) which has the best NICU in the midwest. They pumped me full of steroids to help Soren's lungs, and gave me magnesium to help stop the contractions.
All in all, they were able to stop labor. I only dialated to 3 cm. The magnesium made me terrible sick, the steroids completely threw my blood sugars out of whack. I am now taking a medication 4 times a day to help prevent major contractions.
I was able to meet the head of the high risk OB department. She is amazing, and we developed a game plan. I explained that I was terrified that I would not be able to keep Soren safe enough inside of me, even though I know that is the best place for him still. Everyone told me that he had excellent survival chances, like 99% if he was born at that point, 32 weeks, even though he would most likely be in the NICU for a time. I asked how soon we could do an amniocentesis to check on his lungs, and she told me 36 to 37 weeks would give a definite positive. I begged for a sooner answer, and she said no earlier than 35 weeks. I asked if we could plan for that, and she said she wanted to run it by Dr Jayne and the other doctor.
I was released from Children's after 2 days, with an ultrasound schedule for a couple days later. The high risk OB wanted me to start having ultrasounds every week, and Dr Jayne had me set up for NSTs twice a week as well as once a week check ups.
At the ultrasound, everything was still looking great. Soren is a mover and a shaker, and always shows off when being "watched." I was able to talk to another high risk specialist (the other doc) and asked more about planning the amnio. She said that I could certainly have the amnio at 35 weeks, but it would likely be a negative result and then I would have to wait longer. She said she would prefer that I plan it for 35.5 weeks or 36, and have a better chance of a positive result. She also said if as time got closer I just could not handle it anymore and wanted to push for the 35 weeks, we would discuss the possibility.
(while I was in the hospital for the pre-term labor, we learned that i was being served with a restraining order by my stepson's mother. on the first anniversary of Casper's delivery, Derek decided he wasn't coming home from his mother's house, which has started a custody battle and so much drama it makes me ... i don't even know. the doctors are all aware of what is going on and the amount of stress it has placed on me, so they are understanding of my need to keep Soren as safe as possible)
So that brings us up to now. It's Thanksgiving, I am 33 weeks and 4 days, I have 18 days until the scheduled amnio, and I am desperate to get this baby in my arms. While I haven't had any more brushes with labor, I still have contractions. My body is at it's limit with all the things I have to endure. My blood sugars are constantly out of whack as each DAY passes. I'm sore, and can't do much of anything. I just keep waiting for one more thing, for something else to happen, and worst of all, for Soren to stop moving... I'm so grateful that he is so active, even it causes me pain, because I know that means he is ok in there. But how long is that going to last?
We have made it past the milestones of Casper's journey, which were agonizing for me to deal with. We passed the day I learned he was gone, the day he was delivered, the point in this pregnancy that I was at with him. Aside from everything that we have had to deal with because of Derek - on the day of Casper's birthaversary - it was such a bad day. I spent most of it in tears, trying to hide it from Wynter and everyone else. The only nice thing was being "surrounded" with love from my babyloss mom community, and family and friends. People who don't know me or my son were more caring and compassionate than most of my family, my flesh and blood. But then they have gone through the same thing and understand....
This past year has been the hardest year I've ever lived. I've struggled to deal with the loss of my son and all of the changes that his death caused to the fabric of my life. I'm still not at the point where I can think of him or see anything of his and not cry. I'm starting to be grateful for the fact that I had him, for even just a short time. But mostly I miss him and would give just about anything to have him back. Even when I realize that it means I wouldn't have Soren.... which of course makes me all conflicted again. But if I had Casper, I would never know anything about Soren... What a retched experience to live through....
*1 - an NST is a procedure where you are connected to a monitor - straps around your belly hold 2 stethoscope like microphones that measure baby's heart rate and the tightness of the uterus. Both are recorded on a chart. You also have a button to press each time you feel baby move, which is also recorded. The monitoring takes about half an hour, and the idea is to watch for consistency
*2 - a biophysical profile is an ultrasound which is graded on 5 things - overall movement, extremity movement, heart rate, lung function, and amniotic fluid. each part has a possible score of 2, for an overall top score of 10
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
Today is a national or international day set aside to remember all the babies and pregnancies that were gone too soon. My Facebook page is full of people posting about their losses, missing their babies, and a general sense of "community" among us babyloss moms. The month of October itself is dedicated to remember babies who were gone too soon, but because it's also breast cancer awareness and several other awarenesses, baby loss gets a tad overshadowed.
Today I have a candle lit, with Casper's name written on it as well as a few of my friends' babies on it as well. Around the world there will be candles lit at 7 pm local time for one hour, intended to create a wave of light around the world. To honor our babies and pregnancies.
I miss my son more and more every day. I thought after a long enough time it would get better. It seems like I've only learned how to handle it better. Today is especially rough though. Plus knowing that just a few weeks from now will be his "birthday." What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time. To kiss his sweet face.
I know that once again I am behind in updating my pregnancy. Things are very stressful with the diabetic issue. I am injecting myself with 2 different types of insulin each day - once before dinner and once before I go to bed. I'm still learning how to eat - counting carbs and knowing what is good when. Dinner time is the hardest, because I am the most hungry and I'm not so great about eating a variety of things. Trying to change a lifetime of eating habits in a matter of weeks is probably the hardest thing I've had to accomplish.
The diabetic ed counselor I have been working with is really great. When I get down on myself, she tells me that I'm doing fine. I know for a fact my numbers are more controlled now than when they were with Casper. I know that as each week passes, it gets harder and harder - my body works less and less on it's own to handle everything.
On the plus side, my little rainbow baby seems to be handling things just fine. He moves all the time, letting me know that he's here with me. Every check up shows a strong heart beat and that he is growing perfectly fine. In 21 days I will have another ultrasound and another chance to see him again.
I'm worried about our family vacation next week, being so far from my doctor, and having to deal with all the diabetic stuff. It's hard enough at home, and even harder when I have to be out and about while close to home. But being all the way across the country is something that terrifies with me.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. I wish I could fast forward time until the day I'm holding my little boy, healthy and alive. I don't want to deal with Casper's anniversary, I don't want to deal with my birthday or the holidays. I don't want to deal with the mounting anxiety, the fears of all that could go wrong.
But I know that I have no choice, I have to struggle through these days and deal with everything that comes. I know the reward will be all the sweeter at the end.
Today I have a candle lit, with Casper's name written on it as well as a few of my friends' babies on it as well. Around the world there will be candles lit at 7 pm local time for one hour, intended to create a wave of light around the world. To honor our babies and pregnancies.
I miss my son more and more every day. I thought after a long enough time it would get better. It seems like I've only learned how to handle it better. Today is especially rough though. Plus knowing that just a few weeks from now will be his "birthday." What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time. To kiss his sweet face.
I know that once again I am behind in updating my pregnancy. Things are very stressful with the diabetic issue. I am injecting myself with 2 different types of insulin each day - once before dinner and once before I go to bed. I'm still learning how to eat - counting carbs and knowing what is good when. Dinner time is the hardest, because I am the most hungry and I'm not so great about eating a variety of things. Trying to change a lifetime of eating habits in a matter of weeks is probably the hardest thing I've had to accomplish.
The diabetic ed counselor I have been working with is really great. When I get down on myself, she tells me that I'm doing fine. I know for a fact my numbers are more controlled now than when they were with Casper. I know that as each week passes, it gets harder and harder - my body works less and less on it's own to handle everything.
On the plus side, my little rainbow baby seems to be handling things just fine. He moves all the time, letting me know that he's here with me. Every check up shows a strong heart beat and that he is growing perfectly fine. In 21 days I will have another ultrasound and another chance to see him again.
I'm worried about our family vacation next week, being so far from my doctor, and having to deal with all the diabetic stuff. It's hard enough at home, and even harder when I have to be out and about while close to home. But being all the way across the country is something that terrifies with me.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all over. I wish I could fast forward time until the day I'm holding my little boy, healthy and alive. I don't want to deal with Casper's anniversary, I don't want to deal with my birthday or the holidays. I don't want to deal with the mounting anxiety, the fears of all that could go wrong.
But I know that I have no choice, I have to struggle through these days and deal with everything that comes. I know the reward will be all the sweeter at the end.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Updates, updates.
It's been a long time, as always. This is getting to be a pattern. HA!
So my last appointment was Thursday, Sept 27. My doc made a comment about me looking bigger. Should have known that would be a sign.... Soren's heart beat was 151. I even got to take a peek at him. He looks great. Nothing around his neck. But he is still in breech position.
I asked if the move down to head-down position would maybe get him tangled in the cord. She said it's slightly possible, but there is really no way to tell. She said that at my next ultrasound appointment (Nov 7), he will have moved and we can check everything very carefully. If anything looks worrisome she has no problem taking action.
She's mentioned several times that we can check the status of his lungs by doing an amniocentesis. The thought scares me, even though she explained that done in the early stages of pregnancy is when that procedure can cause problems.
I just want my baby.
The worst part of the appointment last week was the diabetic testing. The results came back the next day, and as I was afraid, were positive. I don't know the extent of the results, but the nurse said she was sending a strict diet plan for 3 days, to be followed by the longer glucose test. I will admit, I kind of lost it. Freaked out and panicked.
After taking a nap, I called the clinic back and told the nurse that I wanted to just skip that and move on to the next step. I am certain the further test would show the same thing, and I didn't want to waste my time with it. She said she would talk to Dr Jayne and get her opinion. Dr Jayne said she was with me 100%. The next step would then be scheduling an appointment with Diabetic Ed.
The whole weekend was a nightmare. I tried not to eat, and analyzed everything that passed my lips. I'm caught between eating enough to make me feel full, and making sure I eat the right kind of things. And knowing that no matter how hard I try, I know it's not right....
My neighbor Denise said she went through GD with her last 3 pregnancies. We commiserated about it. She had the same problem - she couldn't get enough to eat, and even when she was following the right "rules" the numbers still weren't right.
So I got a call from DE to schedule an appointment, and they actually had an opening this afternoon. It worked out perfectly for me. I went expecting to spend much of the appointment in tears and frustrated. But it was the same woman I met last year, and she even remembered Wynter and me. She said right away that she knew I would be worried about everything, but said that the diabetes had nothing to do with Casper's death. I explained my fears, knowing that it wasn't the reason but walking down that same path had my fear working overtime. I explained everything that happened with the beginning stages the last time, and she said that we would start from there.
We talked a little about what kind of things I was feeling, and what I was eating. Apparently a bowl of cereal for breakfast isn't the greatest and fruit in the morning isn't either. I need more protein type things. She also adjusted the "number" of carb servings I should eat at each meal, in the attempt to help me fill up. It was decided that since mornings are really hard for me, she would start me right away with some insulin.
Bad news..... it's the injection kind. She said the pill makes the body produce insulin all day long, it's not regulated, and it can cause extremes, which lead to the possibility of fainting. The injection is more controlled. Which I'm all for.... Except that now I have to stab myself every night before bed. (ok, the needle is tiny, and it's really pretty simple... but me and needles don't get along too well.)
So she tested me there, it had been a couple hours since we had a small lunch. Number was great. (came home and had a snack, tested an hour later and it was fine as well.) She showed me how to use the insulin. Told me that if my numbers are elevated to call and we can adjust. I have a follow up appointment with a dietitian next week.
My doc is seeing me every week now, though the way it played out it's more like a week and a half. She knows my fears are crowding me. She wants to keep me as calm as possible. We're going to start stress testing after the ultrasound. But I'm sure that if the ultrasound looks ok, it will make me feel so much better. I know that's not the end of the road, but it's a big bend to get past.
I have to say, the worst part of today.... The memories. Driving past the funeral home where Casper was taken after the hospital. Being at the same clinic where we learned that he had no heartbeat. Going through the same steps with the diabetic education people. I miss my baby boy so much. So many reminders of him, and what we lost.
As I was getting ready to leave the appointment with Dr Jayne last week, I was looking at his picture on her "wall of fame." Reading the note written in the card. I started tearing up. (been doing that a lot lately) I mentioned it to her, how much I loved seeing him up there but that it was hard too. She said that he was with us. She said she had another patient who lost a baby a few days after birth from a medical condition, and she said that the baby was also with us.
I don't really know what I believe about the afterlife and all that..... But to know that she believes my boy is watching over me, her, us.... It means a lot.
Until next time...
So my last appointment was Thursday, Sept 27. My doc made a comment about me looking bigger. Should have known that would be a sign.... Soren's heart beat was 151. I even got to take a peek at him. He looks great. Nothing around his neck. But he is still in breech position.
I asked if the move down to head-down position would maybe get him tangled in the cord. She said it's slightly possible, but there is really no way to tell. She said that at my next ultrasound appointment (Nov 7), he will have moved and we can check everything very carefully. If anything looks worrisome she has no problem taking action.
She's mentioned several times that we can check the status of his lungs by doing an amniocentesis. The thought scares me, even though she explained that done in the early stages of pregnancy is when that procedure can cause problems.
I just want my baby.
The worst part of the appointment last week was the diabetic testing. The results came back the next day, and as I was afraid, were positive. I don't know the extent of the results, but the nurse said she was sending a strict diet plan for 3 days, to be followed by the longer glucose test. I will admit, I kind of lost it. Freaked out and panicked.
After taking a nap, I called the clinic back and told the nurse that I wanted to just skip that and move on to the next step. I am certain the further test would show the same thing, and I didn't want to waste my time with it. She said she would talk to Dr Jayne and get her opinion. Dr Jayne said she was with me 100%. The next step would then be scheduling an appointment with Diabetic Ed.
The whole weekend was a nightmare. I tried not to eat, and analyzed everything that passed my lips. I'm caught between eating enough to make me feel full, and making sure I eat the right kind of things. And knowing that no matter how hard I try, I know it's not right....
My neighbor Denise said she went through GD with her last 3 pregnancies. We commiserated about it. She had the same problem - she couldn't get enough to eat, and even when she was following the right "rules" the numbers still weren't right.
So I got a call from DE to schedule an appointment, and they actually had an opening this afternoon. It worked out perfectly for me. I went expecting to spend much of the appointment in tears and frustrated. But it was the same woman I met last year, and she even remembered Wynter and me. She said right away that she knew I would be worried about everything, but said that the diabetes had nothing to do with Casper's death. I explained my fears, knowing that it wasn't the reason but walking down that same path had my fear working overtime. I explained everything that happened with the beginning stages the last time, and she said that we would start from there.
We talked a little about what kind of things I was feeling, and what I was eating. Apparently a bowl of cereal for breakfast isn't the greatest and fruit in the morning isn't either. I need more protein type things. She also adjusted the "number" of carb servings I should eat at each meal, in the attempt to help me fill up. It was decided that since mornings are really hard for me, she would start me right away with some insulin.
Bad news..... it's the injection kind. She said the pill makes the body produce insulin all day long, it's not regulated, and it can cause extremes, which lead to the possibility of fainting. The injection is more controlled. Which I'm all for.... Except that now I have to stab myself every night before bed. (ok, the needle is tiny, and it's really pretty simple... but me and needles don't get along too well.)
So she tested me there, it had been a couple hours since we had a small lunch. Number was great. (came home and had a snack, tested an hour later and it was fine as well.) She showed me how to use the insulin. Told me that if my numbers are elevated to call and we can adjust. I have a follow up appointment with a dietitian next week.
My doc is seeing me every week now, though the way it played out it's more like a week and a half. She knows my fears are crowding me. She wants to keep me as calm as possible. We're going to start stress testing after the ultrasound. But I'm sure that if the ultrasound looks ok, it will make me feel so much better. I know that's not the end of the road, but it's a big bend to get past.
I have to say, the worst part of today.... The memories. Driving past the funeral home where Casper was taken after the hospital. Being at the same clinic where we learned that he had no heartbeat. Going through the same steps with the diabetic education people. I miss my baby boy so much. So many reminders of him, and what we lost.
As I was getting ready to leave the appointment with Dr Jayne last week, I was looking at his picture on her "wall of fame." Reading the note written in the card. I started tearing up. (been doing that a lot lately) I mentioned it to her, how much I loved seeing him up there but that it was hard too. She said that he was with us. She said she had another patient who lost a baby a few days after birth from a medical condition, and she said that the baby was also with us.
I don't really know what I believe about the afterlife and all that..... But to know that she believes my boy is watching over me, her, us.... It means a lot.
Until next time...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
And today....
Today's date is September 4. 10 months ago, I delivered my dead son. I got to hold his perfect little body in my arms. He never took a single breath. He never opened his eyes. I never heard a single cry, or any sound from him.
Today was the start of school for the kids, for this year. My baby bear Wynter started her first day of 4 year old kindergarten. Today was the first day since November 4 that I spent any amount of time away from her.
Granted, she was fine. She was so excited to go to school, and didn't even seem to notice that 3 hours passed without my being right there.
I on the other hand was just empty. I missed my girl. I missed my boy even more. I was reminded of the worst day of my life all over again.
Feeling Soren move inside my belly lessens the hurt just a little.... knowing that he is growing big and strong, and that I'll have him soon.....
But I'm just so tired of not having a baby in my arms, not having what I should.
I was so excited to pick her up from school, and she was excited to see us. But she wanted to stay at school, so she could play some more. She had a very good day, and we didn't get any calls or emails saying anything different.
Tomorrow is a new day....
Today was the start of school for the kids, for this year. My baby bear Wynter started her first day of 4 year old kindergarten. Today was the first day since November 4 that I spent any amount of time away from her.
Granted, she was fine. She was so excited to go to school, and didn't even seem to notice that 3 hours passed without my being right there.
I on the other hand was just empty. I missed my girl. I missed my boy even more. I was reminded of the worst day of my life all over again.
Feeling Soren move inside my belly lessens the hurt just a little.... knowing that he is growing big and strong, and that I'll have him soon.....
But I'm just so tired of not having a baby in my arms, not having what I should.
I was so excited to pick her up from school, and she was excited to see us. But she wanted to stay at school, so she could play some more. She had a very good day, and we didn't get any calls or emails saying anything different.
Tomorrow is a new day....
Catching Up....
I am so far behind.... This is terrible!
So here we go. On August 15, we had our nuchal ultrasound. That is the ultrasound where they look at EVERYTHING. Measure arm and leg bones, head, stomach, heart, check blood flow, brain activity, and so much more. My little one is so perfect! Everything measures just right. In fact, this baby is measuring in the 90th percentile!
We were able to confirm - baby boy! I'm thrilled to be having a boy again, because I really want to experience having a son. We decided to name him Soren Casper. Soren is Scandinavian for God of War, or Thunder. It's a very strong name, which I hope translates to him being strong and a fighter. Obviously I was very adamant about Casper being the middle name, to honor his big brother.
He looks so much like Casper, it's uncanny. Part of me is grateful to have a reminder of what Casper would have been. Part of me knows that a permanent reminder is going to cause some heartache. Though I honestly believe it wouldn't matter what he looked like, this new rainbow will always be a reminder of what should have been.... A part of me will always miss Casper.
The nurse and radiologist were both very amazing. I asked the nurse if she would check the entire length of the umbilical cord, explaining that Casper's death was caused by problems with the cord. She look over all of it and checked the blood flow. Everything looked perfect. She even checked his neck, to show us that it was completely clear.
The radiologist checked over everything as well, and confirmed that everything looks great. She said she wanted us to come back in 10 weeks, to check everything again and make sure there are no problems. No complaints from me!
I always feel such a sense of relief after checking out Soren. Knowing that everything is fine, hearing or seeing him. It makes me believe that things might be ok. Of course, time passes and my fear and paranoia takes over.... Until the next appointment anyway.
So normally the clinic will call after the ultrasound appointment and just confirm that everything was ok. But, since my OB was on vacation that week, I knew I wasn't going to get a call. I assumed that if there was any kind of problem, another doctor or nurse from the clinic would have called. Having heard nothing by Friday evening, I took faith in the fact that things were fine.
My next OB check up was August 27th, with my regular OB. I was happy to see her, and confirm that everything was ok. We listened to Soren's heart beat, which was a good 170. Still not losing any sugar in my urine. I asked her about my thoughts - could the knot in the cord closer to the placenta have caused the gestational diabetes to show up or be worse than it normally would have been? She said absolutely - she something about the fact that the placenta controls the way the body processes the sugars that get transferred to the baby. It made me feel a tiny bit better... Just knowing anyway.
After that appointment, I start going every 2 weeks. So my next appointment will be on September 10. I'm not sure if she wanted me to start coming sooner this fast, but I'm ready to start coming more often! 2 weeks after that, I have to get my blood sugar tested - the one where I have to drink the evil stuff and wait for an hour. Not my favorite....
I'm sooooo in love with this baby! I simply can not wait until I can hold him in my arms and kiss him!
So here we go. On August 15, we had our nuchal ultrasound. That is the ultrasound where they look at EVERYTHING. Measure arm and leg bones, head, stomach, heart, check blood flow, brain activity, and so much more. My little one is so perfect! Everything measures just right. In fact, this baby is measuring in the 90th percentile!
We were able to confirm - baby boy! I'm thrilled to be having a boy again, because I really want to experience having a son. We decided to name him Soren Casper. Soren is Scandinavian for God of War, or Thunder. It's a very strong name, which I hope translates to him being strong and a fighter. Obviously I was very adamant about Casper being the middle name, to honor his big brother.
He looks so much like Casper, it's uncanny. Part of me is grateful to have a reminder of what Casper would have been. Part of me knows that a permanent reminder is going to cause some heartache. Though I honestly believe it wouldn't matter what he looked like, this new rainbow will always be a reminder of what should have been.... A part of me will always miss Casper.
The nurse and radiologist were both very amazing. I asked the nurse if she would check the entire length of the umbilical cord, explaining that Casper's death was caused by problems with the cord. She look over all of it and checked the blood flow. Everything looked perfect. She even checked his neck, to show us that it was completely clear.
The radiologist checked over everything as well, and confirmed that everything looks great. She said she wanted us to come back in 10 weeks, to check everything again and make sure there are no problems. No complaints from me!
I always feel such a sense of relief after checking out Soren. Knowing that everything is fine, hearing or seeing him. It makes me believe that things might be ok. Of course, time passes and my fear and paranoia takes over.... Until the next appointment anyway.
So normally the clinic will call after the ultrasound appointment and just confirm that everything was ok. But, since my OB was on vacation that week, I knew I wasn't going to get a call. I assumed that if there was any kind of problem, another doctor or nurse from the clinic would have called. Having heard nothing by Friday evening, I took faith in the fact that things were fine.
My next OB check up was August 27th, with my regular OB. I was happy to see her, and confirm that everything was ok. We listened to Soren's heart beat, which was a good 170. Still not losing any sugar in my urine. I asked her about my thoughts - could the knot in the cord closer to the placenta have caused the gestational diabetes to show up or be worse than it normally would have been? She said absolutely - she something about the fact that the placenta controls the way the body processes the sugars that get transferred to the baby. It made me feel a tiny bit better... Just knowing anyway.
After that appointment, I start going every 2 weeks. So my next appointment will be on September 10. I'm not sure if she wanted me to start coming sooner this fast, but I'm ready to start coming more often! 2 weeks after that, I have to get my blood sugar tested - the one where I have to drink the evil stuff and wait for an hour. Not my favorite....
I'm sooooo in love with this baby! I simply can not wait until I can hold him in my arms and kiss him!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Trouble always comes ...
Yesterday morning, my dear sweet baby bear (4 year old Wynter) was cuddled in bed with me and kicked me in the belly. Pretty hard, for a little girl. It hurt. For a good hour. And we all know me, I was panicked. I posted on Facebook, and my wonderful friends assured me that it was most likely ok, and that I shouldn't worry too much. What bothered me was that after a couple hours of really paying attention, I wasn't feeling baby Bubble moving too much.
I ate. I had some MnM's (baby's favorite!). I drank lots of fluids. And I did my best to calm myself down and not stress out.
After Jay came home from work, we went out and ran some errands and went to eat. Still nothing like I was used to. So I told him I wanted to go to the ER and check the baby out.
Even though there was barely anyone there, it took forever. Of course a major trauma came in while I was there, but whatever.
First the checked for baby's heart beat, and it was a strong 162. That made me relax just a little bit. The doctor came in and checked me out, feeling baby in my belly and talking me through everything. He said that he was pretty sure everything was ok, and that there wasn't really too much they could really do. I said I would call my regular clinic the next day and just touch base with my doctor.
He said he would call the doc on call and just check with them if I wanted. So he did. Turns out Dr. Jayne is on vacation. This on-call doc said that he thought I should get a Rhogam shot just to be on the safe side. And that was the start of the insanity.
They had to draw blood and run panels. Remember the days when that would take about 10 minutes? Not so anymore. It took almost 2 hours. Jay was losing his patience with Wynter, who does not handle hospitals very well to begin with and was tired to boot. So he took her out in the car, where she was much better. But then she had to go potty, so he ended up taking her home.
I was waiting..... and waiting..... and waiting...... The nurse brought me water and blankets (the hospital was FREEZING!!), and both doc and nurse checked in with me a couple times. I finally asked if I could just go home and get the shot later. The nurse said she would talk to the doc. He came in and said it would be easier for me just to wait a little bit longer and he would push it through as fast as he could.
So I texted Jay that it would be about a half an hour, and she came in to poke me. I had to wait 20 minutes to make sure I didn't have an adverse reaction (after like 6 of these damn Rhogam shots, I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but whatever!).
Well, apparently while waiting out in the car for me to come out, my poor baby girl was having a breakdown. Worried about Mommy and baby, and why I wasn't out yet. Daddy was a tad exasperated by the time I finally came out, but Wynter was convinced that something was wrong with the baby.
The last time Mommy spent that much time in the hospital, Casper never came home. I think she knew that, remembered that.... She had me in tears and scared again, remembering.
But I got her calmed down, we came home and had Taco Bell, and she got to play with some play-doh. The trauma of the night was mostly forgotten.
She let me sleep in, since she slept until after noon. But the emotions of the night before caught up to her, and she messed herself. That has never happened to her (since she became potty trained) and she was distraught. I think her poor tummy took the brunt of the stress.
Once again, after mommy cleaned her up and reassured her everything was ok, she played with her play-doh and all is well.
I am recuperating as well. Little one is moving a little. Before I left the hospital, the nurse checked baby's heart beat again, and it was still in the 160s. Baby was moving and squirming a lot, and I didn't feel any of it. Just heard it on the monitor. That also made me relax, a lot.
This morning, my body feels like it was run over by a Mack truck. Sore and achy. Still so tired. But I'm not as worried as I was yesterday, and I'm excited for my ultrasound on Wednesday. This little one is certainly keeping me on my toes!
I heard a piece of information that kind of freaks me out. My BLM friend who just had her rainbow said that she was so happy to have had a c-section with this pregnancy, because the doctor told her that the umbilical cord was around baby Jack's neck. That was what caused her angel to pass away - the cord compressed his neck during delivery.
It makes me wonder if this "rare" thing really could happen again?
But it makes me all the more vigilant about this pregnancy. My doctor knows my state of mind and worry, so I'm not worried about her. But when I get my ultrasound, and every one that happens after this one, I will make SURE that they inspect the cord - every single inch of it. If anything looks off, I will make sure they pay attention. The idea of a c-section scares me, but if it means life and death for my child, there is no question I will demand it!
I love this baby Bubble so incredibly much. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold and snuggle and kiss him/her.
I miss my Casper so much and wish he was in my arms, too. I will never forget him, or ever stop loving him and wishing he was in my arms.
I ate. I had some MnM's (baby's favorite!). I drank lots of fluids. And I did my best to calm myself down and not stress out.
After Jay came home from work, we went out and ran some errands and went to eat. Still nothing like I was used to. So I told him I wanted to go to the ER and check the baby out.
Even though there was barely anyone there, it took forever. Of course a major trauma came in while I was there, but whatever.
First the checked for baby's heart beat, and it was a strong 162. That made me relax just a little bit. The doctor came in and checked me out, feeling baby in my belly and talking me through everything. He said that he was pretty sure everything was ok, and that there wasn't really too much they could really do. I said I would call my regular clinic the next day and just touch base with my doctor.
He said he would call the doc on call and just check with them if I wanted. So he did. Turns out Dr. Jayne is on vacation. This on-call doc said that he thought I should get a Rhogam shot just to be on the safe side. And that was the start of the insanity.
They had to draw blood and run panels. Remember the days when that would take about 10 minutes? Not so anymore. It took almost 2 hours. Jay was losing his patience with Wynter, who does not handle hospitals very well to begin with and was tired to boot. So he took her out in the car, where she was much better. But then she had to go potty, so he ended up taking her home.
I was waiting..... and waiting..... and waiting...... The nurse brought me water and blankets (the hospital was FREEZING!!), and both doc and nurse checked in with me a couple times. I finally asked if I could just go home and get the shot later. The nurse said she would talk to the doc. He came in and said it would be easier for me just to wait a little bit longer and he would push it through as fast as he could.
So I texted Jay that it would be about a half an hour, and she came in to poke me. I had to wait 20 minutes to make sure I didn't have an adverse reaction (after like 6 of these damn Rhogam shots, I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but whatever!).
Well, apparently while waiting out in the car for me to come out, my poor baby girl was having a breakdown. Worried about Mommy and baby, and why I wasn't out yet. Daddy was a tad exasperated by the time I finally came out, but Wynter was convinced that something was wrong with the baby.
The last time Mommy spent that much time in the hospital, Casper never came home. I think she knew that, remembered that.... She had me in tears and scared again, remembering.
But I got her calmed down, we came home and had Taco Bell, and she got to play with some play-doh. The trauma of the night was mostly forgotten.
She let me sleep in, since she slept until after noon. But the emotions of the night before caught up to her, and she messed herself. That has never happened to her (since she became potty trained) and she was distraught. I think her poor tummy took the brunt of the stress.
Once again, after mommy cleaned her up and reassured her everything was ok, she played with her play-doh and all is well.
I am recuperating as well. Little one is moving a little. Before I left the hospital, the nurse checked baby's heart beat again, and it was still in the 160s. Baby was moving and squirming a lot, and I didn't feel any of it. Just heard it on the monitor. That also made me relax, a lot.
This morning, my body feels like it was run over by a Mack truck. Sore and achy. Still so tired. But I'm not as worried as I was yesterday, and I'm excited for my ultrasound on Wednesday. This little one is certainly keeping me on my toes!
I heard a piece of information that kind of freaks me out. My BLM friend who just had her rainbow said that she was so happy to have had a c-section with this pregnancy, because the doctor told her that the umbilical cord was around baby Jack's neck. That was what caused her angel to pass away - the cord compressed his neck during delivery.
It makes me wonder if this "rare" thing really could happen again?
But it makes me all the more vigilant about this pregnancy. My doctor knows my state of mind and worry, so I'm not worried about her. But when I get my ultrasound, and every one that happens after this one, I will make SURE that they inspect the cord - every single inch of it. If anything looks off, I will make sure they pay attention. The idea of a c-section scares me, but if it means life and death for my child, there is no question I will demand it!
I love this baby Bubble so incredibly much. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold and snuggle and kiss him/her.
I miss my Casper so much and wish he was in my arms, too. I will never forget him, or ever stop loving him and wishing he was in my arms.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Hurting....
I waited to write this for a day or 2 so that I could compose myself a bit.... It's been really hard, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this. But I need to get it out.
Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days. Both had baby boys. Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.
Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine. But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why. Stress, most likely.
I'm happy for them. They are both such amazing women. And I know they have have been where I am.
But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies. Not jealousy or anything like that... well, not in a bad way. Does that make sense? It's hard to put into words, I guess.
I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of hurting. I want MY baby.
It's just so hard..... Tears, anger, sadness. All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.
Sigh.
Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days. Both had baby boys. Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.
Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine. But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why. Stress, most likely.
I'm happy for them. They are both such amazing women. And I know they have have been where I am.
But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies. Not jealousy or anything like that... well, not in a bad way. Does that make sense? It's hard to put into words, I guess.
I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of hurting. I want MY baby.
It's just so hard..... Tears, anger, sadness. All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.
Sigh.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
GAH!
I'm really getting bad about this. I think because I post everything on Facebook, I forget about posting here too. But I really want this record here for all time, so that this baby can see everything.
So today I am at 18 weeks and 2 days. My last appointment was on Monday, July 30. My stepdaughter Nikita was staying with us in preparation for her 21st birthday, so she was able to come with me to the appointment. Which was a bit of a blessing!
The appointment started with me walking into another patient's room, where a doctor was WITH a patient! Instead of the bathroom to give my urine sample. Oops!
I came back with the nurse, got weighed (185), blood pressure checked (normal) and then waited for my doctor. First thing we did was listen to Bubble's heart beat. PERFECT! Nikita got a sound recording on it, so now I have 2. We talked about how I was feeling, and she asked if I have been feeling any movement. Which I have, a little, sporadically. She asked if I was going to do the quad screening (for birth defects) and I said yes. Then I asked, since Nikita was there and wouldn't be again for awhile, if we could take a little peek at Bubble. She said of course!
Nikita got up and went use the restroom, and the doc said she would have the nurse get everything ready while she went a checked in with her next patient. I sat kind of anxious, since it usually meant I would be waiting awhile. But less than a minute later, she pops back in and says she doesn't have any other patients waiting! She got the machine in and set up, and started right checking Bubble out. First thing she asked was if we wanted to check gender, if we wanted to know. I said that when I had the extensive ultrasound with Casper, I was so lost as to how the doctor could tell that he was a boy - even though they pointed everything out. She said with girls, it looks more like 3 little lines between the legs. With boys, you obviously see the testes sack.
First we looked at Bubble's head. Baby was sucking thumb, again! The other arm was kinda up raised over the head. We started looking at the heart beat when Nikita came back in. She of course started tearing up, which got me going too! The heart was beating perfectly. Then we moved down to looking at baby's legs to see if we could make anything out between the legs. Based on a first look, I'm pretty certain it's a baby boy! My doc said she had a feeling, from earlier, that I was having a girl. I responded to that almost certain that it was a boy. At this point in the ultrasound, she said it looked like she might have been wrong!
She also pointed out that the reason I might not be feeling too much was because my placenta was anterior, meaning that it was wrapped around my belly and baby was curled into it. So the placenta is absorbing a lot of the movement, but as baby gets bigger I'll feel more. (and I have been too!)
This was kinda where I started sobbing. Sad, because I miss my Casper. But so excited for this new baby. I really do want a boy, not in any way to replace Casper, but because I have 2 daughters already and I really want to experience raising a boy.
We got a couple of pictures, wishes of good luck, and then went to give blood for the quad screen. I stopped by to make a few more appointments (getting to the every 2 weeks point! doc said around the point where we lost Casper, she wants to see me a lot so we can be reassured, since she knew that I would be worried).
So I got blood drawn, and off we went. Having Nikita there with me was really special, and I'm so glad she got to experience that with me. Jay (Daddy) was a little upset that WE got to see and hear baby without him. But he got to see and hear everything we brought home.
The test results came back yesterday, and everything was negative which is normal. Also, there is no sugar in my urine which means my body is not having any trouble processing all the carbs and sugar I'm eating.
Jay and I really think that the reason I started having the complications of diabetes had more to do with Casper being under stress, from the knot and the cord being around his neck. I really want to believe that, but I'm still doing my best and so much better with watching what I eat, and eating better food.
I love the feeling of elation and excitement I have when I leave the doctor's office. It lasts for a good day or 2 after, and it just feels so incredible. I know my baby is doing ok, I know that the chances of things being good are really high. But then the fear and depression start creeping in....
I miss my baby boy so much, and I would give just about anything to have him back. I would give up this pregnancy, and give up my soul to have him in my arms again. I look forward to teaching this baby about his/her big brother who never got the chance to live. Of course this baby wouldn't be here or even a possibility if Casper had lived - he was the last child for a our family. Some people would say to consider that a blessing..... It just makes me sad and hurt.
Well, in 8 more days, we'll go in for the comprehensive ultrasound. A confirmation on gender, measuring all the pieces and parts, and making sure everything is working right. I'm going to demand a thorough inspection of the umbilical, beginning to end. I think I might even ask my hubby to video record the whole thing.
So today I am at 18 weeks and 2 days. My last appointment was on Monday, July 30. My stepdaughter Nikita was staying with us in preparation for her 21st birthday, so she was able to come with me to the appointment. Which was a bit of a blessing!
The appointment started with me walking into another patient's room, where a doctor was WITH a patient! Instead of the bathroom to give my urine sample. Oops!
I came back with the nurse, got weighed (185), blood pressure checked (normal) and then waited for my doctor. First thing we did was listen to Bubble's heart beat. PERFECT! Nikita got a sound recording on it, so now I have 2. We talked about how I was feeling, and she asked if I have been feeling any movement. Which I have, a little, sporadically. She asked if I was going to do the quad screening (for birth defects) and I said yes. Then I asked, since Nikita was there and wouldn't be again for awhile, if we could take a little peek at Bubble. She said of course!
Nikita got up and went use the restroom, and the doc said she would have the nurse get everything ready while she went a checked in with her next patient. I sat kind of anxious, since it usually meant I would be waiting awhile. But less than a minute later, she pops back in and says she doesn't have any other patients waiting! She got the machine in and set up, and started right checking Bubble out. First thing she asked was if we wanted to check gender, if we wanted to know. I said that when I had the extensive ultrasound with Casper, I was so lost as to how the doctor could tell that he was a boy - even though they pointed everything out. She said with girls, it looks more like 3 little lines between the legs. With boys, you obviously see the testes sack.
First we looked at Bubble's head. Baby was sucking thumb, again! The other arm was kinda up raised over the head. We started looking at the heart beat when Nikita came back in. She of course started tearing up, which got me going too! The heart was beating perfectly. Then we moved down to looking at baby's legs to see if we could make anything out between the legs. Based on a first look, I'm pretty certain it's a baby boy! My doc said she had a feeling, from earlier, that I was having a girl. I responded to that almost certain that it was a boy. At this point in the ultrasound, she said it looked like she might have been wrong!
She also pointed out that the reason I might not be feeling too much was because my placenta was anterior, meaning that it was wrapped around my belly and baby was curled into it. So the placenta is absorbing a lot of the movement, but as baby gets bigger I'll feel more. (and I have been too!)
This was kinda where I started sobbing. Sad, because I miss my Casper. But so excited for this new baby. I really do want a boy, not in any way to replace Casper, but because I have 2 daughters already and I really want to experience raising a boy.
We got a couple of pictures, wishes of good luck, and then went to give blood for the quad screen. I stopped by to make a few more appointments (getting to the every 2 weeks point! doc said around the point where we lost Casper, she wants to see me a lot so we can be reassured, since she knew that I would be worried).
So I got blood drawn, and off we went. Having Nikita there with me was really special, and I'm so glad she got to experience that with me. Jay (Daddy) was a little upset that WE got to see and hear baby without him. But he got to see and hear everything we brought home.
The test results came back yesterday, and everything was negative which is normal. Also, there is no sugar in my urine which means my body is not having any trouble processing all the carbs and sugar I'm eating.
Jay and I really think that the reason I started having the complications of diabetes had more to do with Casper being under stress, from the knot and the cord being around his neck. I really want to believe that, but I'm still doing my best and so much better with watching what I eat, and eating better food.
I love the feeling of elation and excitement I have when I leave the doctor's office. It lasts for a good day or 2 after, and it just feels so incredible. I know my baby is doing ok, I know that the chances of things being good are really high. But then the fear and depression start creeping in....
I miss my baby boy so much, and I would give just about anything to have him back. I would give up this pregnancy, and give up my soul to have him in my arms again. I look forward to teaching this baby about his/her big brother who never got the chance to live. Of course this baby wouldn't be here or even a possibility if Casper had lived - he was the last child for a our family. Some people would say to consider that a blessing..... It just makes me sad and hurt.
Well, in 8 more days, we'll go in for the comprehensive ultrasound. A confirmation on gender, measuring all the pieces and parts, and making sure everything is working right. I'm going to demand a thorough inspection of the umbilical, beginning to end. I think I might even ask my hubby to video record the whole thing.
this is the picture of between the legs - right about the middle of the picture, you can see both thigh bones, and in between is a small round sack kind of thing.
this is the back of baby's head, and spine really bright. you can also see that left arm up by the ear.
pardon the crappy picture quality (i'm too impatient to scan them in) but this is a side profile of baby sucking a thumb
Sunday, July 22, 2012
16 weeks today...
So last week I have a freak out, and went to the clinic. Just for a heart tone check. Little one is perfectly fine. Heart beat was strong, in the 160s.
I feel so much relief when I go in and get checked out. I know the chances of something going wrong this time are so slim.... But my head gets the best of me and I end up over-thinking and worrying myself sick.
Last night while trying to fall asleep, I felt a thump in my belly. Just one. Couldn't get a re-creation either. But it made me smile, and I know my little one is working hard growing. I just wish I could fast forward time...
I have a check up at 17 weeks. And soon after that a full ultrasound. I can't wait. I'm almost certain we're having a boy. It doesn't matter to me as long as baby comes healthy.
I miss my Casper so much it hurts. I wish I could see him again, just one more time. I wish I could hold him again, and never give him back....
I love you baby boy, for always and forever.
I feel so much relief when I go in and get checked out. I know the chances of something going wrong this time are so slim.... But my head gets the best of me and I end up over-thinking and worrying myself sick.
Last night while trying to fall asleep, I felt a thump in my belly. Just one. Couldn't get a re-creation either. But it made me smile, and I know my little one is working hard growing. I just wish I could fast forward time...
I have a check up at 17 weeks. And soon after that a full ultrasound. I can't wait. I'm almost certain we're having a boy. It doesn't matter to me as long as baby comes healthy.
I miss my Casper so much it hurts. I wish I could see him again, just one more time. I wish I could hold him again, and never give him back....
I love you baby boy, for always and forever.
Carly Marie - Pregnancy After Loss
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2011/10/pregnancy-after-loss.html
Emotions About This New Little Life You Are Carrying
Falling pregnant after enduring the loss of a baby at any age or gestation can be an emotional rollercoaster. Your innocence has been taken from you. There is not blissful pregnancy anymore. You may feel anxious, worried, frightened, excited, joyful and thankful all in the one day.
You may have many fears about this new road that you have begun to walk and that is completely normal and understandable. There is no real magic cure to get over your fears but there are some things that you can do that may help to calm your mind and worried heart.
Women handle pregnancy after loss differently. Some women distance themselves from their baby as a means to protect themselves from another loss. They feel that if they don’t connect with their baby then they will not suffer so much if the baby dies. Other women do everything possible to connect with their baby. They want to make as many memories as possible.
When Should We Announce The Pregnancy?
This is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong time. Some people wait until they are 13 weeks as that is a time that society believes everything will be okay from that point on… oh don’t we in this community know better than that. Some people try to hold off telling family until they have past the point of the gestation of their previous baby that died. They do this to avoid having family and friends always asking them questions on how they are feeling and so on. Obviously you can only hide a pregnancy for so long before if becomes obvious. Others tell their family and friends straight away so that they have a support network from day one. The only issue people may have that is the baby does pass away they have to go through the experience of notifying everyone of their loss. Do what feels right for you.
This Is A Different Baby
It is only natural that your heart and mind are with your little one that could not stay with you. You need to take this pregnancy one day at a time. This is a different baby, a completely new life. You need to focus your energy on today, not tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow and the week after that and the month after that will only bring you anxiety and that is the last thing you need to feel right now. it is important for you to relax as much as possible. Make sure you can get outside each day for some fresh air even if it is just for 5 minutes. Spend that time focusing on your breathing. Take deep long breaths. Do this whenever you are feeling really anxious.
Support Groups
Find yourself a support group online for people who are pregnant after experiencing a loss. There is a really sweet page on facebook that is uplifting and positive. Talking to others who are going through what you are will be helpful to you and you will not feel so alone. If you read grief blogs you may want to distance yourself a little from the real heavy stuff as you need to remain as positive as possible to help you get through the remaining months of your pregnancy. People will tend to warn you of all the things that could possibly go wrong with your pregnancy… “watch out for this and watch out for that” These people mean only good things for you but at the end of the day there a a million different things that could wrong and if you were going to try and concertrate on them all you will end up in a very bad place. Staying positive can be a real challenge after everything you have been through but it is really important to spend your precious engery on things that will uplift you rather than drag you down into a deep hole. Some people read a positive affirmations when they get up in the morning, others spend time meditating/praying or spending their spare time doing something they enjoy and love. Find something that works for you.
Hospital and Clinic Appointments
You may want to arrange a friend or family member to accompany you to your appointments if you have to go to a place that may bring upsetting memories to you. Having emotional support will be of great help to you. Make sure you tell your care giver how you are feeling and ask them any questions that you may have.
What To Do If You Are Worried ABout Your Baby
Call your midwife or obstetrician. Always go with your gut, if something feels wrong to you or you are worried just go into the ER. Do not worry that you are wasting anybodies time – you are not.
Should I have A Baby Shower?
This is completely up to you. Never feel pressured into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. A really beautiful alternative to a baby shower is a mother and baby blessing ceremony. To read more about them click here.
Should I Bother Having A Birth Plan?
Birth plans are a good thing to have. We all know though that sometimes when you make plans, life gets in the way and changes your plans for you. In saying that though write yourself out a plan for what you would like to have happen on the day of your child’s birth. SPeak to your midwife/ob about your wishes and desires.
We wish you all the peace and love in the world for this road you are walking. We hope you found this information helpful.
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