16 weeks today...

So last week I have a freak out, and went to the clinic.  Just for a heart tone check.  Little one is perfectly fine.  Heart beat was strong, in the 160s.

I feel so much relief when I go in and get checked out.  I know the chances of something going wrong this time are so slim....  But my head gets the best of me and I end up over-thinking and worrying myself sick.

Last night while trying to fall asleep, I felt a thump in my belly.  Just one.  Couldn't get a re-creation either.  But it made me smile, and I know my little one is working hard growing.  I just wish I could fast forward time...

I have a check up at 17 weeks.  And soon after that a full ultrasound.  I can't wait.  I'm almost certain we're having a boy.  It doesn't matter to me as long as baby comes healthy.


I miss my Casper so much it hurts.  I wish I could see him again, just one more time.  I wish I could hold him again, and never give him back....

I love you baby boy, for always and forever.

Carly Marie - Pregnancy After Loss

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2011/10/pregnancy-after-loss.html

Emotions About This New Little Life You Are Carrying

Falling pregnant after enduring the loss of a baby at any age or gestation can be an emotional rollercoaster. Your innocence has been taken from you. There is not blissful pregnancy anymore. You may feel anxious, worried, frightened, excited, joyful and thankful all in the one day.

You may have many fears about this new road that you have begun to walk and that is completely normal and understandable. There is no real magic cure to get over your fears but there are some things that you can do that may help to calm your mind and worried heart.

Women handle pregnancy after loss differently. Some women distance themselves from their baby as a means to protect themselves from another loss. They feel that if they don’t connect with their baby then they will not suffer so much if the baby dies. Other women do everything possible to connect with their baby. They want to make as many memories as possible.

When Should We Announce The Pregnancy?

This is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong time. Some people wait until they are 13 weeks as that is a time that society believes everything will be okay from that point on… oh don’t we in this community know better than that. Some people try to hold off telling family until they have past the point of the gestation of their previous baby that died. They do this to avoid having family and friends always asking them questions on how they are feeling and so on. Obviously you can only hide a pregnancy for so long before if becomes obvious. Others tell their family and friends straight away so that they have a support network from day one. The only issue people may have that is the baby does pass away they have to go through the experience of notifying everyone of their loss. Do what feels right for you.

This Is A Different Baby

It is only natural that your heart and mind are with your little one that could not stay with you. You need to take this pregnancy one day at a time. This is a different baby, a completely new life. You need to focus your energy on today, not tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow and the week after that and the month after that will only bring you anxiety and that is the last thing you need to feel right now. it is important for you to relax as much as possible. Make sure you can get outside each day for some fresh air even if it is just for 5 minutes. Spend that time focusing on your breathing. Take deep long breaths. Do this whenever you are feeling really anxious.

Support Groups

Find yourself a support group online for people who are pregnant after experiencing a loss. There is a really sweet page on facebook that is uplifting and positive. Talking to others who are going through what you are will be helpful to you and you will not feel so alone. If you read grief blogs you may want to distance yourself a little from the real heavy stuff as you need to remain as positive as possible to help you get through the remaining months of your pregnancy. People will tend to warn you of all the things that could possibly go wrong with your pregnancy… “watch out for this and watch out for that” These people mean only good things for you but at the end of the day there a a million different things that could wrong and if you were going to try and concertrate on them all you will end up in a very bad place. Staying positive can be a real challenge after everything you have been through but it is really important to spend your precious engery on things that will uplift you rather than drag you down into a deep hole. Some people read a positive affirmations when they get up in the morning, others spend time meditating/praying or spending their spare time doing something they enjoy and love. Find something that works for you.

Hospital and Clinic Appointments

You may want to arrange a friend or family member to accompany you to your appointments if you have to go to a place that may bring upsetting memories to you. Having emotional support will be of great help to you. Make sure you tell your care giver how you are feeling and ask them any questions that you may have.

What To Do If You Are Worried ABout Your Baby

Call your midwife or obstetrician. Always go with your gut, if something feels wrong to you or you are worried just go into the ER. Do not worry that you are wasting anybodies time – you are not.

Should I have A Baby Shower?

This is completely up to you. Never feel pressured into doing anything that you are not comfortable with. A really beautiful alternative to a baby shower is a mother and baby blessing ceremony. To read more about them click here.

Should I Bother Having A Birth Plan?

Birth plans are a good thing to have. We all know though that sometimes when you make plans, life gets in the way and changes your plans for you. In saying that though write yourself out a plan for what you would like to have happen on the day of your child’s birth. SPeak to your midwife/ob about your wishes and desires.

We wish you all the peace and love in the world for this road you are walking. We hope you found this information helpful.

It's been awhile....

I've been greatly overwhelmed by life in general, and just haven't had the energy to sit down and write.  But I know it's time, so here I am.

Today, I am 14 weeks and 2 days!

Just over a week ago, I got to see my precious baby.  Everything looks great.  Dr. Jayne first tried to find a heart beat, but couldn't find it.  She said, "Oh it's still early yet."  I almost freaked a little, because we had heard it before.  But she said no worries, we would just do a little ultrasound.  She whisked it in and got everything set up.  Right away, my little munchin popped on the screen, moving and heart beating.  I got another beautiful picture.  She said that the reason we couldn't hear the heart beat is because my uterus has already ascended up, and she wasn't looking that far up with the doppler.

A week before this appointment, I went in because I was scared.  I got another picture, as well as a voice recording of the heart beat.  The intention, in my head, was that when I was scared or worried, I could listen to the recording and feel a little more at ease.  I listen to it at least once a day....  But it just makes me more worried.  My brain tells me that everything in fine.  My heart tells me - but that was last week.  It's old.  So much can change so fast....

But problems with my van mean I can't just pick up and go to the clinic.  So I keep telling myself that everything is fine, and I'm just over-reacting.  But it's still so hard.....

I am almost certain that around 11 weeks, I could feel baby moving.  But I haven't felt anything since.  And believe me, I have tried!  I poke and prod and move and sit still for hours at night, trying to fall asleep, trying to reassure myself that this little baby is growing just fine.

I have books and apps on my phone and I look up stuff online about every little thing happening....  All in attempts to know my baby, that much more.  And yet I'm just so scared.

So many stories of happy healthy babies.  But so many new stories of grief and heartbreak and loss.  New friends on FB who share their story, and I share mine.  The telling doesn't get any easier.  And I feel so much pain for each of the new people I meet, knowing how much they hurt, how unfair life has been to them.

I miss my baby boy so much.  My arms still ache so much.  I know I need to focus on the future and taking care of myself for the sake of this new baby....  But I can't stop looking back at what should have been.  I know there is no fault or blame....  But is there?  Reading up, I have seen it mentioned that cord problems are noticeable during ultrasound.  I had an ultrasound just a couple weeks before we learned that Casper was gone.  Why didn't they see anything?  Were they not looking for something wrong?  Were they only focused on his size, because of the medication issue?  Why wouldn't they just look at everything?  And would it have made a difference?  Could they really have done anything?

These thoughts plague me.  I hate it.  I know it's unhealthy, I know it's too late, I know it was a complete fluke.  But it breaks my heart, because I don't want to think that I could have had my son if someone had just gone the extra step...

Well, I'm going to go off and cry a bit now.  But I shall leave you with a picture of my beautiful little one...



13 weeks, 1 day