Yesterday morning, my dear sweet baby bear (4 year old Wynter) was cuddled in bed with me and kicked me in the belly. Pretty hard, for a little girl. It hurt. For a good hour. And we all know me, I was panicked. I posted on Facebook, and my wonderful friends assured me that it was most likely ok, and that I shouldn't worry too much. What bothered me was that after a couple hours of really paying attention, I wasn't feeling baby Bubble moving too much.
I ate. I had some MnM's (baby's favorite!). I drank lots of fluids. And I did my best to calm myself down and not stress out.
After Jay came home from work, we went out and ran some errands and went to eat. Still nothing like I was used to. So I told him I wanted to go to the ER and check the baby out.
Even though there was barely anyone there, it took forever. Of course a major trauma came in while I was there, but whatever.
First the checked for baby's heart beat, and it was a strong 162. That made me relax just a little bit. The doctor came in and checked me out, feeling baby in my belly and talking me through everything. He said that he was pretty sure everything was ok, and that there wasn't really too much they could really do. I said I would call my regular clinic the next day and just touch base with my doctor.
He said he would call the doc on call and just check with them if I wanted. So he did. Turns out Dr. Jayne is on vacation. This on-call doc said that he thought I should get a Rhogam shot just to be on the safe side. And that was the start of the insanity.
They had to draw blood and run panels. Remember the days when that would take about 10 minutes? Not so anymore. It took almost 2 hours. Jay was losing his patience with Wynter, who does not handle hospitals very well to begin with and was tired to boot. So he took her out in the car, where she was much better. But then she had to go potty, so he ended up taking her home.
I was waiting..... and waiting..... and waiting...... The nurse brought me water and blankets (the hospital was FREEZING!!), and both doc and nurse checked in with me a couple times. I finally asked if I could just go home and get the shot later. The nurse said she would talk to the doc. He came in and said it would be easier for me just to wait a little bit longer and he would push it through as fast as he could.
So I texted Jay that it would be about a half an hour, and she came in to poke me. I had to wait 20 minutes to make sure I didn't have an adverse reaction (after like 6 of these damn Rhogam shots, I'm pretty sure I'm fine, but whatever!).
Well, apparently while waiting out in the car for me to come out, my poor baby girl was having a breakdown. Worried about Mommy and baby, and why I wasn't out yet. Daddy was a tad exasperated by the time I finally came out, but Wynter was convinced that something was wrong with the baby.
The last time Mommy spent that much time in the hospital, Casper never came home. I think she knew that, remembered that.... She had me in tears and scared again, remembering.
But I got her calmed down, we came home and had Taco Bell, and she got to play with some play-doh. The trauma of the night was mostly forgotten.
She let me sleep in, since she slept until after noon. But the emotions of the night before caught up to her, and she messed herself. That has never happened to her (since she became potty trained) and she was distraught. I think her poor tummy took the brunt of the stress.
Once again, after mommy cleaned her up and reassured her everything was ok, she played with her play-doh and all is well.
I am recuperating as well. Little one is moving a little. Before I left the hospital, the nurse checked baby's heart beat again, and it was still in the 160s. Baby was moving and squirming a lot, and I didn't feel any of it. Just heard it on the monitor. That also made me relax, a lot.
This morning, my body feels like it was run over by a Mack truck. Sore and achy. Still so tired. But I'm not as worried as I was yesterday, and I'm excited for my ultrasound on Wednesday. This little one is certainly keeping me on my toes!
I heard a piece of information that kind of freaks me out. My BLM friend who just had her rainbow said that she was so happy to have had a c-section with this pregnancy, because the doctor told her that the umbilical cord was around baby Jack's neck. That was what caused her angel to pass away - the cord compressed his neck during delivery.
It makes me wonder if this "rare" thing really could happen again?
But it makes me all the more vigilant about this pregnancy. My doctor knows my state of mind and worry, so I'm not worried about her. But when I get my ultrasound, and every one that happens after this one, I will make SURE that they inspect the cord - every single inch of it. If anything looks off, I will make sure they pay attention. The idea of a c-section scares me, but if it means life and death for my child, there is no question I will demand it!
I love this baby Bubble so incredibly much. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold and snuggle and kiss him/her.
I miss my Casper so much and wish he was in my arms, too. I will never forget him, or ever stop loving him and wishing he was in my arms.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Hurting....
I waited to write this for a day or 2 so that I could compose myself a bit.... It's been really hard, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this. But I need to get it out.
Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days. Both had baby boys. Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.
Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine. But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why. Stress, most likely.
I'm happy for them. They are both such amazing women. And I know they have have been where I am.
But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies. Not jealousy or anything like that... well, not in a bad way. Does that make sense? It's hard to put into words, I guess.
I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of hurting. I want MY baby.
It's just so hard..... Tears, anger, sadness. All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.
Sigh.
Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days. Both had baby boys. Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.
Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine. But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why. Stress, most likely.
I'm happy for them. They are both such amazing women. And I know they have have been where I am.
But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies. Not jealousy or anything like that... well, not in a bad way. Does that make sense? It's hard to put into words, I guess.
I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of hurting. I want MY baby.
It's just so hard..... Tears, anger, sadness. All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.
Sigh.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
GAH!
I'm really getting bad about this. I think because I post everything on Facebook, I forget about posting here too. But I really want this record here for all time, so that this baby can see everything.
So today I am at 18 weeks and 2 days. My last appointment was on Monday, July 30. My stepdaughter Nikita was staying with us in preparation for her 21st birthday, so she was able to come with me to the appointment. Which was a bit of a blessing!
The appointment started with me walking into another patient's room, where a doctor was WITH a patient! Instead of the bathroom to give my urine sample. Oops!
I came back with the nurse, got weighed (185), blood pressure checked (normal) and then waited for my doctor. First thing we did was listen to Bubble's heart beat. PERFECT! Nikita got a sound recording on it, so now I have 2. We talked about how I was feeling, and she asked if I have been feeling any movement. Which I have, a little, sporadically. She asked if I was going to do the quad screening (for birth defects) and I said yes. Then I asked, since Nikita was there and wouldn't be again for awhile, if we could take a little peek at Bubble. She said of course!
Nikita got up and went use the restroom, and the doc said she would have the nurse get everything ready while she went a checked in with her next patient. I sat kind of anxious, since it usually meant I would be waiting awhile. But less than a minute later, she pops back in and says she doesn't have any other patients waiting! She got the machine in and set up, and started right checking Bubble out. First thing she asked was if we wanted to check gender, if we wanted to know. I said that when I had the extensive ultrasound with Casper, I was so lost as to how the doctor could tell that he was a boy - even though they pointed everything out. She said with girls, it looks more like 3 little lines between the legs. With boys, you obviously see the testes sack.
First we looked at Bubble's head. Baby was sucking thumb, again! The other arm was kinda up raised over the head. We started looking at the heart beat when Nikita came back in. She of course started tearing up, which got me going too! The heart was beating perfectly. Then we moved down to looking at baby's legs to see if we could make anything out between the legs. Based on a first look, I'm pretty certain it's a baby boy! My doc said she had a feeling, from earlier, that I was having a girl. I responded to that almost certain that it was a boy. At this point in the ultrasound, she said it looked like she might have been wrong!
She also pointed out that the reason I might not be feeling too much was because my placenta was anterior, meaning that it was wrapped around my belly and baby was curled into it. So the placenta is absorbing a lot of the movement, but as baby gets bigger I'll feel more. (and I have been too!)
This was kinda where I started sobbing. Sad, because I miss my Casper. But so excited for this new baby. I really do want a boy, not in any way to replace Casper, but because I have 2 daughters already and I really want to experience raising a boy.
We got a couple of pictures, wishes of good luck, and then went to give blood for the quad screen. I stopped by to make a few more appointments (getting to the every 2 weeks point! doc said around the point where we lost Casper, she wants to see me a lot so we can be reassured, since she knew that I would be worried).
So I got blood drawn, and off we went. Having Nikita there with me was really special, and I'm so glad she got to experience that with me. Jay (Daddy) was a little upset that WE got to see and hear baby without him. But he got to see and hear everything we brought home.
The test results came back yesterday, and everything was negative which is normal. Also, there is no sugar in my urine which means my body is not having any trouble processing all the carbs and sugar I'm eating.
Jay and I really think that the reason I started having the complications of diabetes had more to do with Casper being under stress, from the knot and the cord being around his neck. I really want to believe that, but I'm still doing my best and so much better with watching what I eat, and eating better food.
I love the feeling of elation and excitement I have when I leave the doctor's office. It lasts for a good day or 2 after, and it just feels so incredible. I know my baby is doing ok, I know that the chances of things being good are really high. But then the fear and depression start creeping in....
I miss my baby boy so much, and I would give just about anything to have him back. I would give up this pregnancy, and give up my soul to have him in my arms again. I look forward to teaching this baby about his/her big brother who never got the chance to live. Of course this baby wouldn't be here or even a possibility if Casper had lived - he was the last child for a our family. Some people would say to consider that a blessing..... It just makes me sad and hurt.
Well, in 8 more days, we'll go in for the comprehensive ultrasound. A confirmation on gender, measuring all the pieces and parts, and making sure everything is working right. I'm going to demand a thorough inspection of the umbilical, beginning to end. I think I might even ask my hubby to video record the whole thing.
So today I am at 18 weeks and 2 days. My last appointment was on Monday, July 30. My stepdaughter Nikita was staying with us in preparation for her 21st birthday, so she was able to come with me to the appointment. Which was a bit of a blessing!
The appointment started with me walking into another patient's room, where a doctor was WITH a patient! Instead of the bathroom to give my urine sample. Oops!
I came back with the nurse, got weighed (185), blood pressure checked (normal) and then waited for my doctor. First thing we did was listen to Bubble's heart beat. PERFECT! Nikita got a sound recording on it, so now I have 2. We talked about how I was feeling, and she asked if I have been feeling any movement. Which I have, a little, sporadically. She asked if I was going to do the quad screening (for birth defects) and I said yes. Then I asked, since Nikita was there and wouldn't be again for awhile, if we could take a little peek at Bubble. She said of course!
Nikita got up and went use the restroom, and the doc said she would have the nurse get everything ready while she went a checked in with her next patient. I sat kind of anxious, since it usually meant I would be waiting awhile. But less than a minute later, she pops back in and says she doesn't have any other patients waiting! She got the machine in and set up, and started right checking Bubble out. First thing she asked was if we wanted to check gender, if we wanted to know. I said that when I had the extensive ultrasound with Casper, I was so lost as to how the doctor could tell that he was a boy - even though they pointed everything out. She said with girls, it looks more like 3 little lines between the legs. With boys, you obviously see the testes sack.
First we looked at Bubble's head. Baby was sucking thumb, again! The other arm was kinda up raised over the head. We started looking at the heart beat when Nikita came back in. She of course started tearing up, which got me going too! The heart was beating perfectly. Then we moved down to looking at baby's legs to see if we could make anything out between the legs. Based on a first look, I'm pretty certain it's a baby boy! My doc said she had a feeling, from earlier, that I was having a girl. I responded to that almost certain that it was a boy. At this point in the ultrasound, she said it looked like she might have been wrong!
She also pointed out that the reason I might not be feeling too much was because my placenta was anterior, meaning that it was wrapped around my belly and baby was curled into it. So the placenta is absorbing a lot of the movement, but as baby gets bigger I'll feel more. (and I have been too!)
This was kinda where I started sobbing. Sad, because I miss my Casper. But so excited for this new baby. I really do want a boy, not in any way to replace Casper, but because I have 2 daughters already and I really want to experience raising a boy.
We got a couple of pictures, wishes of good luck, and then went to give blood for the quad screen. I stopped by to make a few more appointments (getting to the every 2 weeks point! doc said around the point where we lost Casper, she wants to see me a lot so we can be reassured, since she knew that I would be worried).
So I got blood drawn, and off we went. Having Nikita there with me was really special, and I'm so glad she got to experience that with me. Jay (Daddy) was a little upset that WE got to see and hear baby without him. But he got to see and hear everything we brought home.
The test results came back yesterday, and everything was negative which is normal. Also, there is no sugar in my urine which means my body is not having any trouble processing all the carbs and sugar I'm eating.
Jay and I really think that the reason I started having the complications of diabetes had more to do with Casper being under stress, from the knot and the cord being around his neck. I really want to believe that, but I'm still doing my best and so much better with watching what I eat, and eating better food.
I love the feeling of elation and excitement I have when I leave the doctor's office. It lasts for a good day or 2 after, and it just feels so incredible. I know my baby is doing ok, I know that the chances of things being good are really high. But then the fear and depression start creeping in....
I miss my baby boy so much, and I would give just about anything to have him back. I would give up this pregnancy, and give up my soul to have him in my arms again. I look forward to teaching this baby about his/her big brother who never got the chance to live. Of course this baby wouldn't be here or even a possibility if Casper had lived - he was the last child for a our family. Some people would say to consider that a blessing..... It just makes me sad and hurt.
Well, in 8 more days, we'll go in for the comprehensive ultrasound. A confirmation on gender, measuring all the pieces and parts, and making sure everything is working right. I'm going to demand a thorough inspection of the umbilical, beginning to end. I think I might even ask my hubby to video record the whole thing.
this is the picture of between the legs - right about the middle of the picture, you can see both thigh bones, and in between is a small round sack kind of thing.
this is the back of baby's head, and spine really bright. you can also see that left arm up by the ear.
pardon the crappy picture quality (i'm too impatient to scan them in) but this is a side profile of baby sucking a thumb
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