Dreams....

I pushed this off as long as I could, and now Im breaking down and writing.  yesterday morning, I had several dreams in a row.  short little snippets of things that I mostly didn't rememeber....  except the one I couldn't get out of my head.  i don't remember a lot of details, but someone was trying to hurt my baby.  no regard for my life either.  i woke up in a panic and felt sick to my stomach.  my whole belly was aching.  i had tears in my eyes and my throat felt raw from screaming.  even after just waking, i had no real concept of who or what the dream was about, but i was scared for the baby...

i got up and tried to go about my morning routine, hoping to put the dream behind me.  i told myself over and over that is was JUST a dream, and that everything was fine.  but i just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.  no matter what i did, no matter what i tried to eat, i just felt like i was going to throw up. 

so without really thinking too much about it, i got on the computer and sent an email to the clinic.  i explained about my dream and feeling weird, and asked if i could get in for someone - anyone - to see if baby was ok.  i got a call just about 20 minutes later and they were able to get me in later that afternoon.

then all hell broke with my daughter in Texas.  she moved down there about 2 years ago because her mom and dad were fighting and she felt trapped in the middle.  she said she hated being treated like a child and wanted to be on her own.  so she moved down with her oldest brother and his family.  she got her GED, started working, and then got her own place.  but she ended up getting herself in over her head...  we had told her a few months ago that if she needed to come home, we would come get her.  we had our tax return coming and would be able to work it out.  but she dragged her feet and attempted to make a go of it again, but just dug herself deeper.  so now we can't help....  and a big part of me says that since she out herself where she is, she needs to pull herself up and out. 

but she is doing what she can, with a little help from her mom and her dad (my husband) and coming home.

so i went to my appointment, with my girls in tow because Wynter refused to let me leave the house without her.  got there right on time, but had to sit and wait, which always cranks up my anxiety.  but finally they called me back, checked my vitals, and didn't even really ask about why i was there.  the computer said it, so i didn't have to try and explain.  and again i had to wait for the PA to come in.  but she finally did, and was very cool.  she got right to it, and started looking for Bubble. 

this little one is a mover!  every time she would get a lock on him, he would swim away.  we got a few beats and he was gone.  so she asked me if it was ok that we keep looking, until we could get a good read.  i said of course!  each little beat made me indescribably happy....  and finally she cornered him and we got a strong steady heartbeat.  i felt so much at ease, and all of the tension went right out of me.

baby heart beat was 162. 

and my paranoia was relieved.

until next time?