Today, I am 14 weeks and 2 days!
Just over a week ago, I got to see my precious baby. Everything looks great. Dr. Jayne first tried to find a heart beat, but couldn't find it. She said, "Oh it's still early yet." I almost freaked a little, because we had heard it before. But she said no worries, we would just do a little ultrasound. She whisked it in and got everything set up. Right away, my little munchin popped on the screen, moving and heart beating. I got another beautiful picture. She said that the reason we couldn't hear the heart beat is because my uterus has already ascended up, and she wasn't looking that far up with the doppler.
A week before this appointment, I went in because I was scared. I got another picture, as well as a voice recording of the heart beat. The intention, in my head, was that when I was scared or worried, I could listen to the recording and feel a little more at ease. I listen to it at least once a day.... But it just makes me more worried. My brain tells me that everything in fine. My heart tells me - but that was last week. It's old. So much can change so fast....
But problems with my van mean I can't just pick up and go to the clinic. So I keep telling myself that everything is fine, and I'm just over-reacting. But it's still so hard.....
I am almost certain that around 11 weeks, I could feel baby moving. But I haven't felt anything since. And believe me, I have tried! I poke and prod and move and sit still for hours at night, trying to fall asleep, trying to reassure myself that this little baby is growing just fine.
I have books and apps on my phone and I look up stuff online about every little thing happening.... All in attempts to know my baby, that much more. And yet I'm just so scared.
So many stories of happy healthy babies. But so many new stories of grief and heartbreak and loss. New friends on FB who share their story, and I share mine. The telling doesn't get any easier. And I feel so much pain for each of the new people I meet, knowing how much they hurt, how unfair life has been to them.
I miss my baby boy so much. My arms still ache so much. I know I need to focus on the future and taking care of myself for the sake of this new baby.... But I can't stop looking back at what should have been. I know there is no fault or blame.... But is there? Reading up, I have seen it mentioned that cord problems are noticeable during ultrasound. I had an ultrasound just a couple weeks before we learned that Casper was gone. Why didn't they see anything? Were they not looking for something wrong? Were they only focused on his size, because of the medication issue? Why wouldn't they just look at everything? And would it have made a difference? Could they really have done anything?
These thoughts plague me. I hate it. I know it's unhealthy, I know it's too late, I know it was a complete fluke. But it breaks my heart, because I don't want to think that I could have had my son if someone had just gone the extra step...
Well, I'm going to go off and cry a bit now. But I shall leave you with a picture of my beautiful little one...
13 weeks, 1 day
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