Hurting....

I waited to write this for a day or 2 so that I could compose myself a bit....  It's been really hard, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this.  But I need to get it out.

Two of my baby loss mom friends gave birth to their rainbow babies in the last couple days.  Both had baby boys.  Both are so deserving, as their first children were stillborn.

Jena had no idea anything was wrong until her son was delivered stillborn - prior to labor everything was fine.  But when he was delivered, the cord was wrapped around his neck.

Kaz lost her baby at 22 weeks, and no idea why.  Stress, most likely.

I'm happy for them.  They are both such amazing women.  And I know they have have been where I am.

But it is heartwrenching to see pictures on Facebook of them holding and loving their precious new babies.  Not jealousy or anything like that...  well, not in a bad way.  Does that make sense?  It's hard to put into words, I guess.

I know I'm growing my own rainbow, and I really believe that everything will be fine.  But I'm sick of waiting.  I'm sick of hurting.  I want MY baby.

It's just so hard.....  Tears, anger, sadness.  All the same feelings pushed back into the front of my existence.

Sigh.