It's been a long time, as always. This is getting to be a pattern. HA!
So my last appointment was Thursday, Sept 27. My doc made a comment about me looking bigger. Should have known that would be a sign.... Soren's heart beat was 151. I even got to take a peek at him. He looks great. Nothing around his neck. But he is still in breech position.
I asked if the move down to head-down position would maybe get him tangled in the cord. She said it's slightly possible, but there is really no way to tell. She said that at my next ultrasound appointment (Nov 7), he will have moved and we can check everything very carefully. If anything looks worrisome she has no problem taking action.
She's mentioned several times that we can check the status of his lungs by doing an amniocentesis. The thought scares me, even though she explained that done in the early stages of pregnancy is when that procedure can cause problems.
I just want my baby.
The worst part of the appointment last week was the diabetic testing. The results came back the next day, and as I was afraid, were positive. I don't know the extent of the results, but the nurse said she was sending a strict diet plan for 3 days, to be followed by the longer glucose test. I will admit, I kind of lost it. Freaked out and panicked.
After taking a nap, I called the clinic back and told the nurse that I wanted to just skip that and move on to the next step. I am certain the further test would show the same thing, and I didn't want to waste my time with it. She said she would talk to Dr Jayne and get her opinion. Dr Jayne said she was with me 100%. The next step would then be scheduling an appointment with Diabetic Ed.
The whole weekend was a nightmare. I tried not to eat, and analyzed everything that passed my lips. I'm caught between eating enough to make me feel full, and making sure I eat the right kind of things. And knowing that no matter how hard I try, I know it's not right....
My neighbor Denise said she went through GD with her last 3 pregnancies. We commiserated about it. She had the same problem - she couldn't get enough to eat, and even when she was following the right "rules" the numbers still weren't right.
So I got a call from DE to schedule an appointment, and they actually had an opening this afternoon. It worked out perfectly for me. I went expecting to spend much of the appointment in tears and frustrated. But it was the same woman I met last year, and she even remembered Wynter and me. She said right away that she knew I would be worried about everything, but said that the diabetes had nothing to do with Casper's death. I explained my fears, knowing that it wasn't the reason but walking down that same path had my fear working overtime. I explained everything that happened with the beginning stages the last time, and she said that we would start from there.
We talked a little about what kind of things I was feeling, and what I was eating. Apparently a bowl of cereal for breakfast isn't the greatest and fruit in the morning isn't either. I need more protein type things. She also adjusted the "number" of carb servings I should eat at each meal, in the attempt to help me fill up. It was decided that since mornings are really hard for me, she would start me right away with some insulin.
Bad news..... it's the injection kind. She said the pill makes the body produce insulin all day long, it's not regulated, and it can cause extremes, which lead to the possibility of fainting. The injection is more controlled. Which I'm all for.... Except that now I have to stab myself every night before bed. (ok, the needle is tiny, and it's really pretty simple... but me and needles don't get along too well.)
So she tested me there, it had been a couple hours since we had a small lunch. Number was great. (came home and had a snack, tested an hour later and it was fine as well.) She showed me how to use the insulin. Told me that if my numbers are elevated to call and we can adjust. I have a follow up appointment with a dietitian next week.
My doc is seeing me every week now, though the way it played out it's more like a week and a half. She knows my fears are crowding me. She wants to keep me as calm as possible. We're going to start stress testing after the ultrasound. But I'm sure that if the ultrasound looks ok, it will make me feel so much better. I know that's not the end of the road, but it's a big bend to get past.
I have to say, the worst part of today.... The memories. Driving past the funeral home where Casper was taken after the hospital. Being at the same clinic where we learned that he had no heartbeat. Going through the same steps with the diabetic education people. I miss my baby boy so much. So many reminders of him, and what we lost.
As I was getting ready to leave the appointment with Dr Jayne last week, I was looking at his picture on her "wall of fame." Reading the note written in the card. I started tearing up. (been doing that a lot lately) I mentioned it to her, how much I loved seeing him up there but that it was hard too. She said that he was with us. She said she had another patient who lost a baby a few days after birth from a medical condition, and she said that the baby was also with us.
I don't really know what I believe about the afterlife and all that..... But to know that she believes my boy is watching over me, her, us.... It means a lot.
Until next time...
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