Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is a national or international day set aside to remember all the babies and pregnancies that were gone too soon.  My Facebook page is full of people posting  about their losses, missing their babies, and a general sense of "community" among us babyloss moms.  The month of October itself is dedicated to remember babies who were gone too soon, but because it's also breast cancer awareness and several other awarenesses, baby loss gets a tad overshadowed.

Today I have a candle lit, with Casper's name written on it as well as a few of my friends' babies on it as well.  Around the world there will be candles lit at 7 pm local time for one hour, intended to create a wave of light around the world.  To honor our babies and pregnancies.

I miss my son more and more every day.  I thought after a long enough time it would get better.  It seems like I've only learned how to handle it better.  Today is especially rough though.  Plus knowing that just a few weeks from now will be his "birthday."  What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time.  To kiss his sweet face.

I know that once again I am behind in updating my pregnancy.  Things are very stressful with the diabetic issue.  I am injecting myself with 2 different types of insulin each day - once before dinner and once before I go to bed.  I'm still learning how to eat - counting carbs and knowing what is good when.  Dinner time is the hardest, because I am the most hungry and I'm not so great about eating a variety of things.  Trying to change a lifetime of eating habits in a matter of weeks is probably the hardest thing I've had to accomplish.

The diabetic ed counselor I have been working with is really great.  When I get down on myself, she tells me that I'm doing fine.  I know for a fact my numbers are more controlled now than when they were with Casper.  I know that as each week passes, it gets harder and harder - my body works less and less on it's own to handle everything.

On the plus side, my little rainbow baby seems to be handling things just fine.  He moves all the time, letting me know that he's here with me.  Every check up shows a strong heart beat and that he is growing perfectly fine.  In 21 days I will have another ultrasound and another chance to see him again.

I'm worried about our family vacation next week, being so far from my doctor, and having to deal with all the diabetic stuff.  It's hard enough at home, and even harder when I have to be out and about while close to home.  But being all the way across the country is something that terrifies with me.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.  I wish I could fast forward time until the day I'm holding my little boy, healthy and alive.  I don't want to deal with Casper's anniversary, I don't want to deal with my birthday or the holidays.  I don't want to deal with the mounting anxiety, the fears of all that could go wrong.

But I know that I have no choice, I have to struggle through these days and deal with everything that comes. I know the reward will be all the sweeter at the end.