I realized after a posting in my baby loss group on Facebook that I haven't been here and updated things in just about forever. In fact, it's been so long that I actually had to go back and read through to see where I last left off. So much has happened since then......
To update the gestational diabetes situation, it's such a hassle. As soon as I get things under control, it all changes. I have been trying so hard to keep things under control, I have been literally starving for the last 2 months..... I love food. I always have. I love to eat. Good mood or bad, I just want to eat. Can't do that anymore. The things I enjoy eating aren't good for me or my body right now. Trying to eat the right balance of things from a nutritious standpoint isn't working either.
2 major things happened since I last posted, in terms of the pregnancy.
We went on vacation to see my stepson graduate from the Air Force officer training school. We drove down to Alabama, and then over to Florida to their new station. The drive home took 24 hours. I ended up with a blood clot in my left leg. A combination of the pregnancy and longs hours not moving around enough. My feet and ankles were swollen like the Marshmallow man, and I ended up going in to the ER. So now I have been injecting myself with Lovenox twice a day, which will continue until the baby is born and then I have to take oral medication. Total treatment time is 6 months. They did all kinds of bloodwork, and I do not have any clotting or blood disorders, so that is the good news. (meaning I won't likely have another clot)
The other thing was going into pre-term labor. I have been having weekly non stress tests (NST) *1 since about 31 weeks. The first one, Soren's heart beat dropped a couple times, and Dr. Jayne wanted to investigate further. So I was sent to a different clinic where they did a biophysical profile *2 . Everything there showed up fine, except his lungs were not working - which the tech did say was somewhat common at only 31 weeks. I assumed I was fine, and going home. But Nurse Tammy called as I was driving and said that even though all looked fine, Dr Jayne wanted me to head to the hospital and sit on the monitor for a couple hours, just to see if everything was stable. Well, after being admitted I ended up going into pre-term labor. Because I was only 31 weeks, and St Joe's isn't prepared to handle a baby that early, I was rushed over to Children's Hospital (where my husband works) which has the best NICU in the midwest. They pumped me full of steroids to help Soren's lungs, and gave me magnesium to help stop the contractions.
All in all, they were able to stop labor. I only dialated to 3 cm. The magnesium made me terrible sick, the steroids completely threw my blood sugars out of whack. I am now taking a medication 4 times a day to help prevent major contractions.
I was able to meet the head of the high risk OB department. She is amazing, and we developed a game plan. I explained that I was terrified that I would not be able to keep Soren safe enough inside of me, even though I know that is the best place for him still. Everyone told me that he had excellent survival chances, like 99% if he was born at that point, 32 weeks, even though he would most likely be in the NICU for a time. I asked how soon we could do an amniocentesis to check on his lungs, and she told me 36 to 37 weeks would give a definite positive. I begged for a sooner answer, and she said no earlier than 35 weeks. I asked if we could plan for that, and she said she wanted to run it by Dr Jayne and the other doctor.
I was released from Children's after 2 days, with an ultrasound schedule for a couple days later. The high risk OB wanted me to start having ultrasounds every week, and Dr Jayne had me set up for NSTs twice a week as well as once a week check ups.
At the ultrasound, everything was still looking great. Soren is a mover and a shaker, and always shows off when being "watched." I was able to talk to another high risk specialist (the other doc) and asked more about planning the amnio. She said that I could certainly have the amnio at 35 weeks, but it would likely be a negative result and then I would have to wait longer. She said she would prefer that I plan it for 35.5 weeks or 36, and have a better chance of a positive result. She also said if as time got closer I just could not handle it anymore and wanted to push for the 35 weeks, we would discuss the possibility.
(while I was in the hospital for the pre-term labor, we learned that i was being served with a restraining order by my stepson's mother. on the first anniversary of Casper's delivery, Derek decided he wasn't coming home from his mother's house, which has started a custody battle and so much drama it makes me ... i don't even know. the doctors are all aware of what is going on and the amount of stress it has placed on me, so they are understanding of my need to keep Soren as safe as possible)
So that brings us up to now. It's Thanksgiving, I am 33 weeks and 4 days, I have 18 days until the scheduled amnio, and I am desperate to get this baby in my arms. While I haven't had any more brushes with labor, I still have contractions. My body is at it's limit with all the things I have to endure. My blood sugars are constantly out of whack as each DAY passes. I'm sore, and can't do much of anything. I just keep waiting for one more thing, for something else to happen, and worst of all, for Soren to stop moving... I'm so grateful that he is so active, even it causes me pain, because I know that means he is ok in there. But how long is that going to last?
We have made it past the milestones of Casper's journey, which were agonizing for me to deal with. We passed the day I learned he was gone, the day he was delivered, the point in this pregnancy that I was at with him. Aside from everything that we have had to deal with because of Derek - on the day of Casper's birthaversary - it was such a bad day. I spent most of it in tears, trying to hide it from Wynter and everyone else. The only nice thing was being "surrounded" with love from my babyloss mom community, and family and friends. People who don't know me or my son were more caring and compassionate than most of my family, my flesh and blood. But then they have gone through the same thing and understand....
This past year has been the hardest year I've ever lived. I've struggled to deal with the loss of my son and all of the changes that his death caused to the fabric of my life. I'm still not at the point where I can think of him or see anything of his and not cry. I'm starting to be grateful for the fact that I had him, for even just a short time. But mostly I miss him and would give just about anything to have him back. Even when I realize that it means I wouldn't have Soren.... which of course makes me all conflicted again. But if I had Casper, I would never know anything about Soren... What a retched experience to live through....
*1 - an NST is a procedure where you are connected to a monitor - straps around your belly hold 2 stethoscope like microphones that measure baby's heart rate and the tightness of the uterus. Both are recorded on a chart. You also have a button to press each time you feel baby move, which is also recorded. The monitoring takes about half an hour, and the idea is to watch for consistency
*2 - a biophysical profile is an ultrasound which is graded on 5 things - overall movement, extremity movement, heart rate, lung function, and amniotic fluid. each part has a possible score of 2, for an overall top score of 10
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