On Thursday, November 3, 2011 my heart was shattered. I went in for a regular doctor's checkup,
hoping to convince my doctor that I couldn't handle the diabetic issues and
that I wanted the baby delivered as soon as possible. The Monday just passed I had started testing
my blood sugar regularly and attempting to change my diet. We were made aware of the potential diabetic
situation after a follow-up ultrasound showed too much amniotic fluid, and a
second blood sugar test showed a dangerous spike.
I did what I could – I stopped eating candy, didn’t have any
soda, curbed my junk food intake. I
thought I was doing the right things.
But apparently everything turns into sugar and my blood sugar numbers
were still too high. They wanted to
schedule meetings and teach me what to eat, they talked about insulin, and my
stress level just kept rising. I was
afraid to eat – afraid I would hurt my baby.
I cried every time I took my blood sugar, knowing that my numbers were
not going to be right.
So I was apprehensive about my appointment with the doctor,
even though it was a regular check and Jay convinced me that I should just tell
her we wanted Casper
born. That would be the safest thing for
him. Doctor Jayne understood my
predicament – don’t have the right foods, can’t afford the right foods. Her answer was a simple, “Let’s add some
insulin.” She said she would keep an eye
on me more closely, and that everything would be fine.
The next step in the appointment was to listen to his
heartbeat. I looked forward to that
moment every single time I stepped in that office. It was a confirmation that he was in there
and he was healthy, and that we would be together soon. But Dr. Jayne was having a hard time finding
his heart with the monitor. She was
calm, though, and said she would bring in the ultrasound machine. We knew his head was down, and that he was
facing my back – his spine was facing up.
As she was getting the ultrasound machine ready, I started
feeling a sense of dread. I started
thinking about the fact that I hadn’t really felt him move – when was the last
time he kicked or squirmed. Dr. Jayne
looked and moved and pushed the monitor all over. Nothing.
She asked me when the last time I felt him move was, and I started
crying. I couldn’t remember. I had been busy much of the morning, running
errands, worrying about things. She
tried to calm me down, told me that machine wasn’t very accurate. She said she would rush me to West Bend for a more
thorough ultrasound. She asked me if I
knew what she was concerned about, and of course I did. That something was wrong.
She left the room, and I lost it. I was begging him to be safe, not to leave
me. I tried to calm myself down and tell
myself that the machine was wrong, or just couldn’t get to the right
place. I desperately begged my baby boy
to stay with me, because I needed him.
She came back and told me that she was doing everything she
could to get me in. She asked about me
getting to the clinic, and I told her I had my dad’s car. I called Jay and let him know. All I told him was that they couldn’t hear Casper . He told me he would be there as soon as
possible. Dr. Jayne came in again and
told me she was arguing with the clinic, not wanting to make me wait any time
to get in and see what was going on.
I got in the car and headed over the clinic in West Bend . I called Jay and told him where to go. He told me he was moving as fast as he could,
and I could hear in his voice that he was trying to hold it together. Which tore apart my self-control. So I called the only person I knew who could
help… I called my chica. I told her what had happened, and of course
she tried to stay positive. She told me
not to panic, not to lose hope. She said
it could be a fluke. We caught up on the
goings-on of the past month or so, as we both had been too busy to keep each
other updated. She kept on the phone
with me all the way until I got to the clinic, and I walked in feeling a little
hope.
I checked myself in, heard that the appointment was set for 4:30
(it was only 3 or so), and went down to the radiology department. As I checked in there, I started to lose it
again. The receptionists knew why I was
there, and asked me if I wanted a private room to wait in. I said yes, told them that Jay was coming
shortly. I sat down in a closed off area
and started sobbing. A few minutes later
Jay came, and when I told him how long we were supposed to wait, he went to
talk to the receptionists. They told him
no, they were getting things ready for me right away. Another few minutes, and the radiologist tech
came back. She got right to it, and told
me the plan – she was going to get a few pictures, show the radiologist, and
then Dr. Jayne would let me know what the diagnosis was.
She told me if I had any questions to please ask, and I said
the only thing I wanted to know was if Casper
had a heartbeat. As she was taking the
pictures, I was watching on the screen.
I saw nothing moving. I kept
searching and watching, silently begging to see something – anything. She took a sound recording, and I could see
that there was nothing there. All of his
other parts were there, and fine. But
there was no heartbeat. Nothing. She told me when she was finished, and I responded,
“There is no heartbeat, is there?” She said
no, and Jay and I both fell apart.
It was my worst nightmare.
The most devastating and heart wrenching response.
She left the room, and came back a few minutes later to tell
us that Dr. Jayne would be calling.
Seconds later, the phone rang and Jay answered. She confirmed the situation, and said we
needed to head to the hospital. She said
she would call ahead, and as soon as her appointments were finished for the day
she would be there. She was
shocked. She was also hurting for us. Her diagnosis was that the blood sugar issue
wasn’t caught early enough, and the drastic variances in my blood sugars were
too much for Casper
to handle.
The hospital had no idea why I was there – thought I was
coming for the ultrasound. The computer
wasn’t updated, but apparently they figured out and knew where to send me. We went upstairs, found our room, and the
beginning of the end was happening. Dad
and Linda came to the hospital, Jay went home to tend to the kids. I was prepped, poked, and emotionally numb. But aching all the same. As much as I knew there was no mistake, I
kept believing I would feel him start to move.
Dr. Jayne came while Jay was gone. Dad and Linda went out in the hall so she
could check me. She told me what the
plan was – she would give me a drug that would begin to induce. She wasn’t on call that night, but had told
the on-call doctor that she would take care of me. She assumed that labor would begin around 2
in the morning. She said that if Jay had
any questions when he came back that the nurse could call and she would call
back to tell Jay anything he needed. I
wanted to wait for the medication until Jay came. Jay showed up shortly after, and everything
was explained to him. Dad and Linda said
their goodbyes, offered sympathy and love, said to call if we needed
anything.
I got an IV started.
They took blood samples for testing.
They gave me an epidural, which was a new experience for me. I’ve never had time for medication
before. It was painful, but the
anesthesiologist was amazing. It made me
itchy, the nurse made me wear messaging boots so there wouldn’t be blood
clots. Contractions started coming, and
then they gave me the numbing injection.
The contractions lessened. I
dozed off and on, the nurse came and checked my vitals and such.
I got a catheter, which I never felt courtesy of the
epidural. The nurse checked, I was
getting ready slowly but surely. I got
another dose of the inducing medication.
I started feeling more contractions, and got more of the numbing
medication. Around 1 in the morning, I
crashed out. I don’t think I dreamed, I
don’t remember feeling anything or even thinking anything. I know she came and checked me.
Around 6 am, I started feeling back pain. It was intense. After several hours of relative quiet, things
had built up incredibly. The nurse
called Dr. Jayne, and for the anesthesiologist.
But the pain and contractions just kept coming. I tried to move and change positions, which
worked for a short time. The pain in my
back was excruciating, and multiplying with each contraction. There was pressure, but no urge to push. Dr. Jayne made it with seconds to spare. It was clear to me at that moment that the
time had come – Casper
was coming. As I was crying and moaning
in pain, breathing and trying to control my responses, I began to feel the
devastation again. I knew my little boy
was almost here, but that he was already gone.
I tried to remind myself that there would be no little first cry; that
he wouldn’t breathe, he wouldn’t nurse, he wouldn’t do anything…. I wanted to quit, give up. But it was too late, he was almost
there.
After he crowned and his head was out, I could tell there
was a change in the room. Labor almost
stopped, there was some kind of activity going on, but I was in another place. I finished delivering, and Dr. Jayne asked
Jay to come down by her. I remember
feeling so empty and just sick. Casper was beautiful she
said. He was perfect. But the umbilical cord was wrapped around his
neck so tight that the doctor had to cut it off of him. There was also a knot tied into the cord in
another spot. He had no chance. The diabetes didn’t make him sick, but caused
the extra fluid which allowed him to move around too much and he got himself
tangled up.
Everyone told me not to feel guilty, that it was a complete
fluke. Dr. Jayne said in her 10 years of
delivering babies, she had never lost a baby so late in the pregnancy, and even
though it happened, never had a baby tangled up. She was clearly upset. She told us again that he was perfect, and
that she didn’t need to do any follow up testing. It was obvious what has caused him to pass
away… She told us again that he was
perfect in every way, and that she was so sorry for us.
They wrapped him up and handing him to me to hold. Some part of me was still expecting that
there was a mistake, that he wasn’t gone, that he would look at me or move or
something…. He was so beautiful. Absolutely perfect. I had thought I would have a problem with
holding him, and loving him, but I felt no different – this was my baby
boy. I felt his spirit still there, and
I knew he was slipping away. Jay and I
held him and cried together.
We kissed him and talked to him, told him how perfect he was
and how much we loved him. We both said
he looked so much like Wynter when she was born. He had beautiful dark hair, and chubby little
cheeks. He looked like an angel….
I know the placenta was delivered shortly after, and I
remember Dr. Jayne saying it looked a little wrong. She figured with the problems with the cord,
it wasn’t working correctly or something.
There were no tears or rips on me, the delivery went very well. I don’t remember much, because I was lost in Casper ’s face.
We spent some time with him, called Dad and told him the
baby was delivered. They had offered to
go get the kids and bring them to the hospital.
We kept Casper
with us the whole time. He was cleaned
up a little – his skin was very thin and fragile. Parts were already starting to tear. He got a little outfit, and a hat, and we
wrapped in the blanket that his Auntie Vito sent. We took pictures, and loved him some more.
Dad and Linda came with the kids, and they all got a chance
to see and hold him. We got more
pictures. The kids were hesitant at
first, but they showed him the love that they had grown for him.
We told Wynter that Casper
was an angel now, and she seemed to grasp that.
She made a comment about him not being able to open his eyes, and I said
no because he was an angel now. She
didn’t want to give him a kiss or anything, but I don’t think she truly
understood.
The kids were all a little antsy. Derek wanted to go back to school because of
a test, and Kaylie was ready to go by her dad.
None of the kids slept very well, and I think they were a little
lost. So Dad and Linda took them home
and said goodbye.
It was so hard… When
Jay would hold him, I kept wanting to ask if Casper was ok, if he had done anything, if he
needed anything. I knew in my head that
it was only Casper ’s
“shell”, that his spirit wasn’t there anymore.
But in my heart, I couldn’t accept it – no, I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how… His nose would leak a little fluid, his mouth
would fall open, we had to prop him with a blanket so that he didn’t look wrong. His skin was red and flakey looking, his lips
were a dark blood red. His eyes were
caked shut. But all I saw was a
beautiful little boy that I wanted so much to be what I was waiting for.
I took a nap with him, and was peaceful. I expected a bad dream, or to wake up in a
nightmare. I thought I would wake up
disoriented, or oblivious and shocked all over again. While I slept, Jay went home for awhile and
took Mike and Wynter to Wal-Mart, he knew that Wynter needed some time and to
know that daddy and mommy were still there.
Wynter was heartsick at the idea of him leaving again and not bringing
her with – she said she needed to go to the hospital so she could take care of
Mommy. She wanted to wear her Casper coat.
After awhile, they all came back (Kaylie had been picked up
by her dad for the weekend by then). We
shared some more time with Casper ,
and finally told the nurse that it was time for him to go. We all said goodbye, and gave him his last
kisses. I thought I would have a hard
time letting him go, but it was time. I
felt it, and I knew that he was gone.
I take comfort in the fact that Grandpa Frank was waiting
for him with open arms, to take him in and welcome him with love. I know that he is watching over us, and we
all will carry him in our hearts forever.
We may have only had him for a short time, but his impact on
our lives with never be forgotten.
Even on the darkest nights, he will be our shining star…
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