Casper

My pregnancy with Casper was trouble from the start.  At 11 weeks, I went to the emergency because I was bleeding.  Not spotting, but actually bleeding.  I was scared to death.  I know many women have bleeding throughout their pregnancy, but not me.  I figured something had to be wrong.  Jay was at work, but came to the hospital to be with me.  Bloodwork came back normal, the exam showed some bleeding but no reason why.  So the doctor ordered an ultrasound.  Having suffered a miscarriage prior to my oldest daughter being born, I was expecting the worst.  But the ultrasound showed a steady beating heart, and nothing abnormal.

The bleeding tapered off, and everything was pretty great for awhile.  All the testing came back normal.

At one point, I was diagnosed with a Strep B infection.  I was terrified, but my doctor explained that it wouldn't be treated until labor.  She said it was really nothing to worry about, just something to know.

I got my Rhogam shots, being A negative blood type.  The glucose testing came back normal.  (only in my pregnancy with Kaylie had I had a problem with that - the one hour test was borderline, so they gave me a 3 hour test.  oh did I hate that, I wanted to barf.)

I take a lot of medication for different things, and I have always been really careful about everything related to that during pregnancy.  I had 3 ultrasounds during the pregnancy all together, and all but the last one was normal.  I was told I would need the last one because one of the medications I take causes growth problems, and they wanted to monitor the baby.  It was during that final ultrasound that the techs noticed an abundance of amniotic fluid.

I was tested again for glucose, and the result was actually alarming.  I also had sugar in my urine.  I was sent to a diabetic specialist right away.  I had to change my diet, watching what I ate and counting carbs, as well as testing my blood sugar several times a day.  For me, that was agony.  I have always been the type who eats whatever and whenever, and never had a problem.  I knew with my mother having diabetes around this point in her life that I would most likely end up with it, but I never expecting such a slap in the face.

I tried so hard, but nothing seemed to make my blood sugars normal.  I was always starving, and I felt like crap.

I remember clearly on Wednesday, November 2 - my stepson and his girlfriend Sara were coming to our house to stay over.  It was snowing, and her car ended up breaking down.  I was scared for them, and stressed out.   I was cooking dinner and trying to clean up a little.  I was really big by this point, and always uncomfortable.  Couldn't sleep at night, because I could never find a good spot.  I was stressed beyond belief about the diabetes stuff, and wondering what was going to happen at my doctor's appointment the next day.  The kids ended up getting back safe, after my husband drove his car out to try and help fix the problem.

We ate dinner and after settled down to watch a movie.  I laid down on the floor with my legs propped up, and I remember a sharp pain in my stomach.  I had been having braxton-hicks (practice) contractions, and figured I had gotten a really strong one.  I sat up and moved around, and put it out of my mind.  Later that night, when we went to bed, I laid waiting for Casper to start his gymnastics.  Night time was always his most active period.  I was calm, the house was quiet and settled, and I absolutely loved that time with him.  But on this night, there was nothing.  I was achy and uncomfortable, but there was nothing going on in my belly.  I told myself that because all the stress, he had worn himself out.

The next day, I was running some errands and doing grocery shopping.  All morning, I was distracted and not paying attention to my body.  Not that it would have mattered.....  I cried to my doctor about the blood sugars and the stress of the testing and problems with eating and everything.   She immediately told me not to worry about the diabetes stuff, and said she would start me taking some insulin.  (She was always really good about alleviating my anxiety about things like that!)  Then she got out the fetal heart rate monitor.  I loved listening to Casper's tiny little heart bumping away....  but she was having a hard time finding it.  She asked me about the last time I felt him moving, and I was struck dumb....  I couldn't remember.  She said that sometimes the way baby was positioned made it difficult to hear a heart beat.

She went and got the ultrasound machine and hooked everything up.  Again, she was having a hard time finding his heart.  By this time, I was panicked.  I knew something was wrong, but I never would have expected that he was gone....  My doc called the bigger clinic and scheduled me right away for a better ultrasound.  I was sobbing, because I knew....  I was screaming and begging and pleading for there to be a mistake, I just couldn't face this....  I called my husband and he fell apart, but made arrangements to get off work and meet me at the other clinic.  I had to drive myself the 20 minutes to the other clinic by myself, because the kids were home with Wynter and no one else was around.

On the way, I called my best friend.  I will never be able to repay her for what she did for me that 20 minutes.  She talked to me and calmed me down, and she actually gave me hope.  I was able to make the drive without being hysterical and crashing my car.  I walked into the clinic believing again that there was some mistake and that everything might be ok...  I went down to the ultrasound center, and was taking to a private waiting space.  Then I started to fall apart again.  I still hadn't felt him move, and I starting begging again for him to not leave me.  I told him how much I needed him and that I couldn't lose my baby boy.

My husband showed up, we cried together for a few minutes, and then were taken back to the ultrasound room.  The tech who was there was so sweet and calm.  She got me hooked up right away and talked me through everything.  But I was focused on the machine and desperately searching for any sign of my boy.  There was nothing.  No movement.  No heart.  I saw her doing a sound recording, and there was nothing.... She said she had to call my doctor, and I said, "there's nothing there, is there?"  She lowered her eyes, looked back at me with the saddest face, and said, "I'm sorry, there isn't."  Once again, I just fell apart.  My heart was broken, and I knew it was over.

The doctor told us to head over to the hospital, and that she would get there as soon as possible.  She told my husband that she was just heart broken.

Oh, I have to stop.  This has been harder than I thought.  I wrote a letter kind of thing a day or two after coming home the hospital, that says some of this and then so much more.  I'm going to copy and paste that into the blog, because I don't think I can go through it again.

☆★
Jenna